I was in a three day work shop on Aboriginal Awareness, put on by Metis CFS. It is required for working there, and definitely worth taking. What a journey it was spiritually.
The first day, me and two other girls were late, so the sharing circle had started without us. So when we got there, they got us to smudge before entering the circle. Of course, being late, I was not about to ask about the significance of smudging, so I just did it. And you know what? It wasn't all that bad. I mean, how many cleansing rituals do we have as christians? the "opening prayer", the worship songs asking for forgiveness and cleansing, the songs of "entering into worship" etc... There's no real difference. It's an Aboriginal way of cleansing yourself. Asking the creator to cleanse your mind, your eyes what you see, your ears what you hear and praying that your heart will be sincere and you will speak truth. Sometimes women gesture the smoke also to their womb if they are on their "time" as a sign of cleansing as well...
I guess I see it like the early christians who still celebrated pass over. It's not sinful to practice these things, especially if you can connect with your Creator, your God through those things. It is simply that they are not your means of salvation. Smudging and sweat lodges will not get you to heaven, but if you have a relationship with your God, they can bring you closer to Him and His creation.
Noah had 3 sons. One of them stayed with noah and became the Jewish, middle-eastern nations. One went north and became the european nations. one ventured across the oceans and found land. He became the indigenous nations. So really, do you think we serve the same God? Because in Noah's time, that God was pretty new. There weren't really any rituals or Jewish traditions yet. So The God and Creator that Aboriginal people worship, to me, is the same one and only God, with a different centuries filled twist. They may not have been God's "chosen people", but neither were the greeks or the romans or the english or irish.
In all honesty, I think that all Native people needed in the first place was a "hey! Did you hear the good news? Jesus, God's son died for us, and we can be intimately close with the creator!"...then, if we left them with that and let them worship in their own way, it would be pretty awesome to see I think.
Apparently the last residential school closed in 89...bet you didn't know that. it's more recent than my birth date. "Geeze! Get over it already!" we say... "get over your years and years of daily rape and physical abuse!" we say "get over the cultural gennocide and take our money" we say. Hm... Sounds fair...coming from someone mennonite, (whose people are STILL living in colonies from their oppression) or from someone irish (who may STILL have a tendancy to get angry), or someone Jewish (who may still be very defensive and upset over their history) or someone Black (who may still get aggressively upset over passive racism)...
The greatest earthly example of God's grace today, is Aboriginal people. When I, a blond haired blue eyed ancestor of a residential school teacher can sit in a room full of metis people, be welcomed to smudge with them, pray with them, hear their stories, recieve their smiling friendship and acceptance, be given a gift and hear their forgiveness for what they have suffered... it is overwhelming. There were deffinately tears at this workshop on all sides.
But when an elder who has experienced horror at the hands of my race, and maybe even my own grandmother, can hug me, look me in the eyes and say "you have a beautiful spirit"...that is grace. That is real and trrue grace.
I think God has blessed me with the gift of worship. I say this because I can worship by looking at a piece of moss. By listening to music. By being sick, by being well. I can worship through my rebellion or faithfulness. I can worhsip in my failures and successes... I don't completely understand it. But these last three days, I have begun to realize that our God is not limited to european worship.
Worship is a smudge. Worship is a sun dance. Buffalo heart, tree, skin ripping and all. That is true worship of the Creator. OUR Creator.... I don't care what the old white missionaries said on Mission X 2, Creator and God are one and the same. Take it or leave it. God will still love you if you leave it, and Creator will still love you if you leave it...Because they are the same....Jesus has no substitute. God has no substitute. But God has many names. One of those names is Creator.
From what I have seen, Native people may have some random spirituality about the afterlife that's a little off, but they don't actually worship nature itself. They always worship the Creator, for giving the Nature... and they greatly respect nature...again there is more spirituality involved in that nature...such as spirit guides...but is that really so bizzare? If my spirit guide is the Bear or the wolfe, or a guardian angel...those are all just as strange. God created Bears and Wolves. and if the animal's characteristics are characteristic of me, then perhaps it is a good analogy. A good comparison and image to respect. But a guardian angel is just as foolish a thought as a spirit guide.
Also, Native prayers really just sound like Tongues to me... I'm curious if my tongues are a native language, cause that would be really cool! :P just a random blurb...
Anyway, it was a lot to think about. Today, the last day, they gave us each a gift, and that is a rock. The rock is to symbolize our spirit guides. They said to hold on to the rock and at some point, you will see the image of an animal in that rock. When you see that image, you will know that that is your spirit guide. My rock looks like it has a dog on it. So I'm not entirely sure what that means, but it seems to line up alot with grace, worhsip, faithfulness, obedience, strength, endurance, bravery, protection, submission... all noble qualities. So I'll take it. I did not feel a spiritual urgency to throw away the rock, infact, I felt God encouraging me to keep it. It was so strange to me to hear God say that.... and to not hear him say "Don't smudge!!"...So I smudged. I did it all three days, and I would do it again. I would also go to a teaching Sweat Lodge (not a healing one at this point)...
I guess what I'm beginning to see is that worship is so much bigger than us, and it encompasses so many things. I can also worship God in yoga...worshipping him for the breath in me, the movements of my body, the muscles and how much they can take... I can worhsip him for these things. I am edifying my body, relaxing it, being in tune with the gift of a body that God gave me...what is wrong with that? I sure don't feel the need to stay for meditation at the end. A walk afterwards is good enough for me...
I would love to learn some aboriginal songs, dance and drumming. I'd be the whitest native :P and I don['t think everyone at the pow wows is emotionally ready for white dancers yet. I respect that, but when they are ready, i'll be there, front and center! And until then, I surrender to God and say "here I am, I don't understand. I want to follow you, I want to marry your son Christ. He is my love... I don't know what worhsip looks like for You, but I know you want to show me. So I will obey and follow you on this journey." I know God will protect me. I am honoring Him. I cannot be cursed or possessed by honoring and persuing Him. Any demon that dares to try and overtake me, will be sorry for the day he ever tried to take God's daughter from Him.
Thanks. Meegiwich (Ojibiway for "thank you", or "finished" or "Amen")
Friday, June 3, 2011
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Nothing like reading case files...
Second day on the job, got my case files! Oh boy... nothing like a day of reading about pedophilia with an 8 year old girl and a 40 year old step-father (ages obviously generalized for confidentiality)... and other stories of beatings... Geez i thought I was ready to read it, but you're never ready for the explicit details as stated by a child. I can see the importance of self-care in this business! I haven't talked to any clients and I already feel like I can see the vicarious trauma creeping towards my future. Oh well! Guess that's my pill to swallow!
I found myself driving around for my lunch hour listening to chvn thinking... God...how can you love and forgive a man like that... a man who rapes a little girl 2-3 times a week, who beats his son and chokes him until blood is coming out of his mouth...who ties a noose around his son's head... how can you love someone like that? Someone who NORMALIZES rape to a little girl...Just rape, then go back to Xbox... no big deal...
And then I am reminded of his grace for me... and as I see things through his eyes, I just see another confused and lost soul. I see a man with a detailed, layered culture and generations of abuse (and no, this isn't an Aboriginal rant...). So much fear and uncertainty in the family. Repetitions of old patterns...
What has happened to make a 13 year old boy sexually harass his 11 year old sister (ages generalized once again)? What has that boy been through? How can that girl ever learn to trust? What goes through a mother's head when she decides not to intervene, or to ignore her son's blue and yellow leg? his bloodshot eyes and purple arm? What goes through a mother's head as she choses to deny her daughter's allegations of sexual abuse?
I think these things as i hear my lovely professor chanting in my head "Inherent dignity and worth!" and I am ashamed of how judgmental I become. I still have to work with these people, and I need to give them the dignity and worth they deserve as human beings. I have to give them the respect the don't deserve (in my opinion).
It's a tricky place to be in... your co-workers are there to support you, but they are all jaded and just think it's funny that you worry, or are over-whelmed...but they would also be concerned if you presented with NO emotions about the cases. So I guess I need to strike some kind of a balance. I need to figure out my own self-care. How do i get it all out? Obviously this is as detailed as I can get on a blog, so this can't be my method of self-care. And it's not like i'm so overwhelmed that I can't stand the thought of going to work tomorrow (Mid $20's an hour is a pretty good reason to go to work tomorrow!). But I don't want to become a jaded worker.
The reason I decided to go into social work, was a grade 3 girl that had been in 5 foster homes in one year....I decided I would be a good social worker. I was going to make a difference. Now I'm here, and I don't want to lose my passion to "giving up" or jadedness or "the system"... (of course if i am too passionate, My supervisor will assign me all the new cases...then i'm over-worked and I don't want that either!).
Right now i've got 10 cases (which is pretty awesome compared to the average 30, which is 5 above the recommended maximum caseload). I'm sure that will quickly change, but for now, I think it will be managable.
Did i mention taht I was told in the phone call i would be shadowing for 2 weeks before getting a case-load? And that I will meet briefly with the social worker 1 day, before having my caseload? and my supervisor will also be on holidays next week when I start with my clients!? No no... no stress at all over here! (sarcasm)
Apparently that's one of the easier introductions to the system amongst the people in my unit.
I found myself driving around for my lunch hour listening to chvn thinking... God...how can you love and forgive a man like that... a man who rapes a little girl 2-3 times a week, who beats his son and chokes him until blood is coming out of his mouth...who ties a noose around his son's head... how can you love someone like that? Someone who NORMALIZES rape to a little girl...Just rape, then go back to Xbox... no big deal...
And then I am reminded of his grace for me... and as I see things through his eyes, I just see another confused and lost soul. I see a man with a detailed, layered culture and generations of abuse (and no, this isn't an Aboriginal rant...). So much fear and uncertainty in the family. Repetitions of old patterns...
What has happened to make a 13 year old boy sexually harass his 11 year old sister (ages generalized once again)? What has that boy been through? How can that girl ever learn to trust? What goes through a mother's head when she decides not to intervene, or to ignore her son's blue and yellow leg? his bloodshot eyes and purple arm? What goes through a mother's head as she choses to deny her daughter's allegations of sexual abuse?
I think these things as i hear my lovely professor chanting in my head "Inherent dignity and worth!" and I am ashamed of how judgmental I become. I still have to work with these people, and I need to give them the dignity and worth they deserve as human beings. I have to give them the respect the don't deserve (in my opinion).
It's a tricky place to be in... your co-workers are there to support you, but they are all jaded and just think it's funny that you worry, or are over-whelmed...but they would also be concerned if you presented with NO emotions about the cases. So I guess I need to strike some kind of a balance. I need to figure out my own self-care. How do i get it all out? Obviously this is as detailed as I can get on a blog, so this can't be my method of self-care. And it's not like i'm so overwhelmed that I can't stand the thought of going to work tomorrow (Mid $20's an hour is a pretty good reason to go to work tomorrow!). But I don't want to become a jaded worker.
The reason I decided to go into social work, was a grade 3 girl that had been in 5 foster homes in one year....I decided I would be a good social worker. I was going to make a difference. Now I'm here, and I don't want to lose my passion to "giving up" or jadedness or "the system"... (of course if i am too passionate, My supervisor will assign me all the new cases...then i'm over-worked and I don't want that either!).
Right now i've got 10 cases (which is pretty awesome compared to the average 30, which is 5 above the recommended maximum caseload). I'm sure that will quickly change, but for now, I think it will be managable.
Did i mention taht I was told in the phone call i would be shadowing for 2 weeks before getting a case-load? And that I will meet briefly with the social worker 1 day, before having my caseload? and my supervisor will also be on holidays next week when I start with my clients!? No no... no stress at all over here! (sarcasm)
Apparently that's one of the easier introductions to the system amongst the people in my unit.
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Isaiah 30:10-15
"They say to the seers, "See no more visions!" and to the prophets, "Give us no more visions of what is right! Tell us pleasant things, prophesy illusions, Leave this way, get off this path, and stop confronting us with the Holy One of Israel!"
Therfore this is what the Holy One of Israel says:
"Because you have rejected this message, relied on oppression and depended on deceit, this sin will become for you like a high wall, cracked and bulging,that collapses suddenly, in an instant. It will break in pieces like pottery, shattered so mercilessly that among its pieces not a fragment will be found for taking coals from a hearth or scooping water out of a cistern,"
This is Isaiah talking to the israelites about how they choose to listen to the false prophets instead of the real ones who are coming with less-than-pleasant news... I can't help being convicted by these words because the church (including me) seems to be crying out to the people with bad news "stop it! Just look at the theology that can break down your Holy words from God!" we don't counter with false prophets anymore, we counter prophecy with theology now...
I walk into the church saying listen, I know from SEVERAL unrelated sources that have prophetic tendancies that the end of the world will be coming very soon... and the church just responds "well we can't know the day or the hour"...But I say "well the hour is drawing near!" and they say "well thats what paul said too"...
So I say...frick! He wasn't crying wolf and I'm not either!! I think it's time to start listening to some of the Rapture freaks! Not the ones that are saying May 21'st of this year...that's just stupid to pick a date. Do you really think you've out-smarted God?! ("oh shoot! Those people figured out my plan! I guess I shouldn't show my math work in the bible next time...")
Here's my spiritual timeline in the past couple years (and when I say "my" i am referring to me, Kayla and the bible study group as well as other un-related individuals)
- 2009 God calls me through Kayla and Jason (mike's friend) to do something deeper with my faith. Kayla joined a bible study group and started prophesying and stuff.
- I join the group...People are being saved from crap... more than 3 people prophesy and confirm each other's words that God is raiding the enemy camp and making an army for himself
- 2010...in this bible study, it is prophesyed (again, never by just one person or all at the same meeting) That it is harvest time. Harvest is messy. there needs to be a cleansing with fire which is painful. Cleansing of our souls, preparation for the battle
- Late 2010 I stop going to bible study, cause I've started speaking in tongues and prophesying and i'm scared of my own potential.
- 2011 I begin hearing from God that it's urgent I return to Him. Then Kayla confirms it with her own prophetic words (relating back to the 20 Bridesmaids, 10 with extra oil and 10 without...it's time to just follow, and no turning back to wait for someone to follow. Just follow your God).
Then there is all this end of the world stuff going around, all the natural disasters, all the world peace crap, and waaay too many un-related parties having deep spiritual convictions about end times right now...And If someone says this is all just worry, well then...you are telling me that the personal God I know is simply my own emotions and any connection I have had is not real with him...Because He is who I have recieved my convictions about this from...
So at this point I don't really know what to do with all of this...cause every generation, people think the end of the world is going to come. But I am confident in my faith, and convictions. Maybe I will see the end, maybe I wont...but I know I should be ready, Just as God is convicting me. In either case, I will have to stand before the throne and give an account. I am not ready to give that account yet, so i better pick up the slack...
Therfore this is what the Holy One of Israel says:
"Because you have rejected this message, relied on oppression and depended on deceit, this sin will become for you like a high wall, cracked and bulging,that collapses suddenly, in an instant. It will break in pieces like pottery, shattered so mercilessly that among its pieces not a fragment will be found for taking coals from a hearth or scooping water out of a cistern,"
This is Isaiah talking to the israelites about how they choose to listen to the false prophets instead of the real ones who are coming with less-than-pleasant news... I can't help being convicted by these words because the church (including me) seems to be crying out to the people with bad news "stop it! Just look at the theology that can break down your Holy words from God!" we don't counter with false prophets anymore, we counter prophecy with theology now...
I walk into the church saying listen, I know from SEVERAL unrelated sources that have prophetic tendancies that the end of the world will be coming very soon... and the church just responds "well we can't know the day or the hour"...But I say "well the hour is drawing near!" and they say "well thats what paul said too"...
So I say...frick! He wasn't crying wolf and I'm not either!! I think it's time to start listening to some of the Rapture freaks! Not the ones that are saying May 21'st of this year...that's just stupid to pick a date. Do you really think you've out-smarted God?! ("oh shoot! Those people figured out my plan! I guess I shouldn't show my math work in the bible next time...")
Here's my spiritual timeline in the past couple years (and when I say "my" i am referring to me, Kayla and the bible study group as well as other un-related individuals)
- 2009 God calls me through Kayla and Jason (mike's friend) to do something deeper with my faith. Kayla joined a bible study group and started prophesying and stuff.
- I join the group...People are being saved from crap... more than 3 people prophesy and confirm each other's words that God is raiding the enemy camp and making an army for himself
- 2010...in this bible study, it is prophesyed (again, never by just one person or all at the same meeting) That it is harvest time. Harvest is messy. there needs to be a cleansing with fire which is painful. Cleansing of our souls, preparation for the battle
- Late 2010 I stop going to bible study, cause I've started speaking in tongues and prophesying and i'm scared of my own potential.
- 2011 I begin hearing from God that it's urgent I return to Him. Then Kayla confirms it with her own prophetic words (relating back to the 20 Bridesmaids, 10 with extra oil and 10 without...it's time to just follow, and no turning back to wait for someone to follow. Just follow your God).
Then there is all this end of the world stuff going around, all the natural disasters, all the world peace crap, and waaay too many un-related parties having deep spiritual convictions about end times right now...And If someone says this is all just worry, well then...you are telling me that the personal God I know is simply my own emotions and any connection I have had is not real with him...Because He is who I have recieved my convictions about this from...
So at this point I don't really know what to do with all of this...cause every generation, people think the end of the world is going to come. But I am confident in my faith, and convictions. Maybe I will see the end, maybe I wont...but I know I should be ready, Just as God is convicting me. In either case, I will have to stand before the throne and give an account. I am not ready to give that account yet, so i better pick up the slack...
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
My passion and calling
I know the 5 of you who follow my blog already know what my passion is...First Nations social work. But let me expand on how God continues to nurture this passion...
Today I was riding the bus to the gym downtown, and ran into a family friend. He is an Ojibiway man from the Bear clan who has been through alot in his life, risen above it all through the power of christ, married a wonderful woman and has like...5 or 6 kids with her! Awesome right? He's not an elder or anything, but he's my elder...
Well, when I saw him on the bus, he'd lost about 50-75 lbs, was on crack or pot or something and had his arm slung around another woman. you wouldn't recognize him from a homeless aboriginal man. He said he's leaving his wife, and him and this other woman are getting married and already are working on a baby...
He has a big "colonialism" stamp on his forehead...with neon lights and everything. It hurt me so much to see him this way. Anyone who had met him would know his heart for God and his family. The way he would talk about his wife with such sincerity "I love her so much! She is the most beautiful woman in the world!" (after the 3'rd kid)... After a knee injury and A.D.H.D out of control and mis-diagnosed, he has turned back to his old ways. The problem is not Mark (that's a code name) and the problem is not Hildy (his wife's code name). The problem is history... He tried for years to get a job. But people take one look at a full blooded native man with a knee injury and say "take a hike"...then you add in the A.D.H.D and you come up with an impossible situation. The world rejects him, gives him no identity. The world doesn't see the strength this man had to rise from drug addiction, and drug addict parents. He rose from prison life, homelessness, gang involvement... he rose above it. he was working with his reserve to create a better place... He was on his way to becoming an elder for sure! He got married to a beautiful woman and had 5 or 6 kids (it's funny to see these little Metis children running around speaking Low German). He had a beautiful life built on his strength and the strength of God.
And the world just see's a native man with A.D.H.D and a knee injury.. and now a drug addition and an affair... People don't see a man when they look at him, they see a race. they see a steriotype... How can we expect these people to rise above their issues when Colonialism is so stinking alive?!?
I know if i was running an agency and a tall large aboriginal male with scars and long hair, and who smelled a bit came to my door and said "eh. Can i ged'a job?" my initial reaction would be "no" for sure! How is that not racist? how is that any different than colonialism? We treat any other race with dignity, worth and individuality, but somehow society just can't fathom that the intoxicated aboriginal person has a true worth and identity...that they have something to offer society...
I know this all sounds racist...but If I sometimes think like this and i've been trained and educated in the matter, I KNOW we've all thought it and think it periodically.
The fact is, colonialism isn't over. It is still alive and functioning at a high level in our society.... We see one aboriginal lawyer or doctor or politician and think "well no one else has any excuse then!!" well no, that one person has exceptional strength!! And we owe it to the dude you just walked past on the street corner, that we are even alive and living in Canada.
My youth who was suicidal last week went AWOL (Absent with out L___???) haha don't know all what it stands for... But I look at that... I see her mom, text-harassing her, telling her that she's betraying the family by not living with them (when CFS took her away)... I see just as much colonialism there. Sure, there was good reason to apprehend, but no one told her what was going on. No one told the mom what was happening... She knows the crap her mom does, but no one told her why she was taken away... Isn't that wrong? she's old enough to get it! a kid older than 11 has a brain developed enough to reason like an adult when needed. (that's a stat from a youth retreat sometime in my past)...
So many mixed emotions, especially around Mark and Hildy... It only makes my passion stronger to see this population rise above the crap they are in...the more crap i see the stronger First Nations people seem to me. They have endured so much, and are still so unified, still retaining language and culture, still peacefully living with us, learning from us, teaching us... wow... What a blessing I don't deserve, to be able to learn from these people...
Today I was riding the bus to the gym downtown, and ran into a family friend. He is an Ojibiway man from the Bear clan who has been through alot in his life, risen above it all through the power of christ, married a wonderful woman and has like...5 or 6 kids with her! Awesome right? He's not an elder or anything, but he's my elder...
Well, when I saw him on the bus, he'd lost about 50-75 lbs, was on crack or pot or something and had his arm slung around another woman. you wouldn't recognize him from a homeless aboriginal man. He said he's leaving his wife, and him and this other woman are getting married and already are working on a baby...
He has a big "colonialism" stamp on his forehead...with neon lights and everything. It hurt me so much to see him this way. Anyone who had met him would know his heart for God and his family. The way he would talk about his wife with such sincerity "I love her so much! She is the most beautiful woman in the world!" (after the 3'rd kid)... After a knee injury and A.D.H.D out of control and mis-diagnosed, he has turned back to his old ways. The problem is not Mark (that's a code name) and the problem is not Hildy (his wife's code name). The problem is history... He tried for years to get a job. But people take one look at a full blooded native man with a knee injury and say "take a hike"...then you add in the A.D.H.D and you come up with an impossible situation. The world rejects him, gives him no identity. The world doesn't see the strength this man had to rise from drug addiction, and drug addict parents. He rose from prison life, homelessness, gang involvement... he rose above it. he was working with his reserve to create a better place... He was on his way to becoming an elder for sure! He got married to a beautiful woman and had 5 or 6 kids (it's funny to see these little Metis children running around speaking Low German). He had a beautiful life built on his strength and the strength of God.
And the world just see's a native man with A.D.H.D and a knee injury.. and now a drug addition and an affair... People don't see a man when they look at him, they see a race. they see a steriotype... How can we expect these people to rise above their issues when Colonialism is so stinking alive?!?
I know if i was running an agency and a tall large aboriginal male with scars and long hair, and who smelled a bit came to my door and said "eh. Can i ged'a job?" my initial reaction would be "no" for sure! How is that not racist? how is that any different than colonialism? We treat any other race with dignity, worth and individuality, but somehow society just can't fathom that the intoxicated aboriginal person has a true worth and identity...that they have something to offer society...
I know this all sounds racist...but If I sometimes think like this and i've been trained and educated in the matter, I KNOW we've all thought it and think it periodically.
The fact is, colonialism isn't over. It is still alive and functioning at a high level in our society.... We see one aboriginal lawyer or doctor or politician and think "well no one else has any excuse then!!" well no, that one person has exceptional strength!! And we owe it to the dude you just walked past on the street corner, that we are even alive and living in Canada.
My youth who was suicidal last week went AWOL (Absent with out L___???) haha don't know all what it stands for... But I look at that... I see her mom, text-harassing her, telling her that she's betraying the family by not living with them (when CFS took her away)... I see just as much colonialism there. Sure, there was good reason to apprehend, but no one told her what was going on. No one told the mom what was happening... She knows the crap her mom does, but no one told her why she was taken away... Isn't that wrong? she's old enough to get it! a kid older than 11 has a brain developed enough to reason like an adult when needed. (that's a stat from a youth retreat sometime in my past)...
So many mixed emotions, especially around Mark and Hildy... It only makes my passion stronger to see this population rise above the crap they are in...the more crap i see the stronger First Nations people seem to me. They have endured so much, and are still so unified, still retaining language and culture, still peacefully living with us, learning from us, teaching us... wow... What a blessing I don't deserve, to be able to learn from these people...
Sunday, April 24, 2011
how much can I write in 5 minutes
Happy easter everyone! I'm sitting here with Nix in my hair yet again! ...This is round three with the pest-killing stuff. these lice must be the tolerant kind... its scary to think that Lice have built up an immunity to permethrin! That's scary stuff... Watch...it'll kill me before the lice...
Anyway, i've been sick AGAIN...so it's turning out to be a great year. Sick over christmas and Easter. Now I just have to wait for thanks giving and maybe it'll be a 3 for 3 kind of year... Ya, i'm pretty sick and tired of being sick and tired... But At least this time, I can go outside and enjoy some sunshine. I'm also pushing myself to keep working. Maybe i'll get better faster this way.
anyway, I really didn't have anything imortant to write. Just had to waste 5 minutes...so... Have a good one!
Anyway, i've been sick AGAIN...so it's turning out to be a great year. Sick over christmas and Easter. Now I just have to wait for thanks giving and maybe it'll be a 3 for 3 kind of year... Ya, i'm pretty sick and tired of being sick and tired... But At least this time, I can go outside and enjoy some sunshine. I'm also pushing myself to keep working. Maybe i'll get better faster this way.
anyway, I really didn't have anything imortant to write. Just had to waste 5 minutes...so... Have a good one!
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
CRAFTING AND GETTING PAID!!
So I'd like to just say that i'm pretty sure i'm in the honeymoon phase of this job... cause it's like... Hey! I get to work out and get paid for it! (like...actually go to the Y for free without a membership and get paid 16.55 an hour to do so....) or Go to the Metis CFS office and make traditional crafts every thursday night, for 16.55/Hour! And I get to hang out with just ONE kid at a time, as opposed to camp, where you have 8... and you get 125 a week....woo...
And if one of my campers goes to camp, I might get to supervise her there! So she'll be making 125, and i'll be making 16.55 an hour lol... This whole working thing is pretty awesome.
It has it's ups and downs though...The other night, my 12 year old wanted to commit suicide...so that was pretty stressfull. and I know that once I am working alot with these girls, that the relationships will go deeper, and trials will come, or i'll get bored or who knows what...but for now, I'm in the honeymoon phase and loving it!
I've met 3/4 of my girls, and I"m starting to see that i'll basically have no social life anymore while I do this job...Which is fine, cause I only committed to a year of doing this. So at least there is an end in sight for when I get really sick of working evenings and never seeing my husband... Also summer time is going to be awesome because I can work days when my client's are out of school! :)
In other news, I am now kept awake by fears of head lice, scabies and bed bugs...yay inner city youth! But my supervisor had an awesome idea, to cover my passenger seat with a blanket and then wrap up the blanket when I am done with my client, so anything living, will suffocate overnight. I'm gonna have to try that.
Gotta say, already had lice! Guess that means I'm a good worker with my kids. We bought the multi-pack of nix cause I have a feeling it wont be the only time I get them bugs... I should probably get some raid for my clothes too... I'm deffinately gonna die of cancer haha!
It's a wierd place to be....working in one social class and living in another... don't kid yourself, their's classes...
--And Alyssa if you're feeding jadyn thinking "crap. she's coming to my place" don't worry, i already Nix'ed myself and lice check daily. no signs right now!
But see what I mean? even that worry that I carry about what people in MY social class with think about this little piece of lower class that sticks to me... it's just a bit crazy... anyway, I'm baking buns and this was my "pass the time" ...buns are done! And so is this entry!
And if one of my campers goes to camp, I might get to supervise her there! So she'll be making 125, and i'll be making 16.55 an hour lol... This whole working thing is pretty awesome.
It has it's ups and downs though...The other night, my 12 year old wanted to commit suicide...so that was pretty stressfull. and I know that once I am working alot with these girls, that the relationships will go deeper, and trials will come, or i'll get bored or who knows what...but for now, I'm in the honeymoon phase and loving it!
I've met 3/4 of my girls, and I"m starting to see that i'll basically have no social life anymore while I do this job...Which is fine, cause I only committed to a year of doing this. So at least there is an end in sight for when I get really sick of working evenings and never seeing my husband... Also summer time is going to be awesome because I can work days when my client's are out of school! :)
In other news, I am now kept awake by fears of head lice, scabies and bed bugs...yay inner city youth! But my supervisor had an awesome idea, to cover my passenger seat with a blanket and then wrap up the blanket when I am done with my client, so anything living, will suffocate overnight. I'm gonna have to try that.
Gotta say, already had lice! Guess that means I'm a good worker with my kids. We bought the multi-pack of nix cause I have a feeling it wont be the only time I get them bugs... I should probably get some raid for my clothes too... I'm deffinately gonna die of cancer haha!
It's a wierd place to be....working in one social class and living in another... don't kid yourself, their's classes...
- There's lowest class (homeless fried on hairspray class)
- There's low class (they speak differently "eh! You don godda go'n'do dat duya?!" (or the "native" accent)
- There's middle class (all us poor newly weds, who actually have a home, and the families who live on low income but can afford the neccessities of life
- There's upper middle class (people who have made a living for a while, and live a modest but extremely comfortable life style
- and there's upper class (just drive down pritchard farm road or another fancy development and you'll know what I mean) They have other language too, like all their edu-ma-kated jargon and political talk.
--And Alyssa if you're feeding jadyn thinking "crap. she's coming to my place" don't worry, i already Nix'ed myself and lice check daily. no signs right now!
But see what I mean? even that worry that I carry about what people in MY social class with think about this little piece of lower class that sticks to me... it's just a bit crazy... anyway, I'm baking buns and this was my "pass the time" ...buns are done! And so is this entry!
Saturday, April 16, 2011
Native Pride
It was interesting listening to some of my Girl's favorite songs. She likes one on Youtube called "What's really Rez" and Rez stands for the Reserves. It's funny because it's like the Native version of how Mennonites make fun of themselves. It's not funny if I were to make the jokes about Native people or for them to make jokes about White people...But as a menno, I can understand why a Native person would find a song like that really funny. Some of the stuff, I got just from being up there, like "when you make a sandwich outta moose meat" or "
when you give directions with your lips"
I've been having a wierd day... Watching how my beautiful young ladies are affected by there history, and how Native people have been oppressed...working first hand with youth who adore their parents but hate them at the same time... seeing siblings who band together, brothers who look after sisters, and sisters who look after brothers... We are all going to be surprised by the success of the next generation I think...
I just spent some time watching the opening ceremonies from the olypics again...gets me every time! I can't help but cry when I watch how canada got the First Nations to welcome people to the olympics...
And yet it's a bitter sweet...Because as I watch a Pow wow, I am slightly uncomfortable, but overwhelmingly over-joyed at the same time... it's as if I want these people to have their land back... but at the same time, I feel so inferior! I know people say "Native people are strong"...but dang it they are frigging strong!!
My 12 year old, who has been through hell and back, chooses to have her own identity. She helps the homeless, and tries to get hi-fives in the mall because she has a need for acceptance. but you know what? With all of her friend's committing suicide and going to a school where the "lock ups" go, she keeps her own! She doesn't let herself get knocked around.
My 17 year old who is more street wise than I will ever be, has been called a "fucking squaw" by a police officer. She's been in and out of lock up, on perole...but she WILL NOT let a boy touch her! She has so much pride in who she is. She knows that "they're all the same" is a lie...and didn't believe it when the cop told it to her. In fact, she knows her totem, her colors and is a shawl dancer. She knows who she is, and has her identity. Despite everything she's been through, she has such a balanced outlook on life...towards cops, towards her abusive father, towards me, and cfs... towards her foster parents, her teachers.... She is still a teenager, but with such incredible wisdom for someone who has lived on the streets and so much more... I'd love to brag about her more, but you know the whole confidentiality thing...
Strength doesn't even begin to describe these people... what did the menno's do? they decided not to fight and are still stingy people that can't seem to get out of a rut....what about the irish? they're still ANGRY! and the Germans? well! They think the word "hitler" is a swear word... and how many centuries have we all had to get over our issues... here we are, getting all on the native people's case about saping the system...when our ancestors tried to commit cultural gennocide! Wow! Here they are! Remembering their language! Living at peace with us! Dancing! Singing! Remembering! Here they are, getting over their JUSTIFIABLE grudges, and making peace with the rest of society! So who are we to judge them?
When a man who has been in every steriotype imaginable rises to have a family, and make a difference in his reservation, that's a success. When he relapses and starts drinking again...goodness me! Give the man a break! We right away judge...or write him off...but he is not a write off. he successfully went 7 years without a mess up! That's still a success!
Our vision is disturbing... I sometimes wonder why the native people didn't kill off the settlers...we are forever greatful to them. None of us would be in canada if they were half the stupid people we are.....
when you give directions with your lips"
I've been having a wierd day... Watching how my beautiful young ladies are affected by there history, and how Native people have been oppressed...working first hand with youth who adore their parents but hate them at the same time... seeing siblings who band together, brothers who look after sisters, and sisters who look after brothers... We are all going to be surprised by the success of the next generation I think...
I just spent some time watching the opening ceremonies from the olypics again...gets me every time! I can't help but cry when I watch how canada got the First Nations to welcome people to the olympics...
And yet it's a bitter sweet...Because as I watch a Pow wow, I am slightly uncomfortable, but overwhelmingly over-joyed at the same time... it's as if I want these people to have their land back... but at the same time, I feel so inferior! I know people say "Native people are strong"...but dang it they are frigging strong!!
My 12 year old, who has been through hell and back, chooses to have her own identity. She helps the homeless, and tries to get hi-fives in the mall because she has a need for acceptance. but you know what? With all of her friend's committing suicide and going to a school where the "lock ups" go, she keeps her own! She doesn't let herself get knocked around.
My 17 year old who is more street wise than I will ever be, has been called a "fucking squaw" by a police officer. She's been in and out of lock up, on perole...but she WILL NOT let a boy touch her! She has so much pride in who she is. She knows that "they're all the same" is a lie...and didn't believe it when the cop told it to her. In fact, she knows her totem, her colors and is a shawl dancer. She knows who she is, and has her identity. Despite everything she's been through, she has such a balanced outlook on life...towards cops, towards her abusive father, towards me, and cfs... towards her foster parents, her teachers.... She is still a teenager, but with such incredible wisdom for someone who has lived on the streets and so much more... I'd love to brag about her more, but you know the whole confidentiality thing...
Strength doesn't even begin to describe these people... what did the menno's do? they decided not to fight and are still stingy people that can't seem to get out of a rut....what about the irish? they're still ANGRY! and the Germans? well! They think the word "hitler" is a swear word... and how many centuries have we all had to get over our issues... here we are, getting all on the native people's case about saping the system...when our ancestors tried to commit cultural gennocide! Wow! Here they are! Remembering their language! Living at peace with us! Dancing! Singing! Remembering! Here they are, getting over their JUSTIFIABLE grudges, and making peace with the rest of society! So who are we to judge them?
When a man who has been in every steriotype imaginable rises to have a family, and make a difference in his reservation, that's a success. When he relapses and starts drinking again...goodness me! Give the man a break! We right away judge...or write him off...but he is not a write off. he successfully went 7 years without a mess up! That's still a success!
Our vision is disturbing... I sometimes wonder why the native people didn't kill off the settlers...we are forever greatful to them. None of us would be in canada if they were half the stupid people we are.....
Friday, April 15, 2011
no time to blog!
Sheesh! This working thing is really cramping my style! Haha! What do you mean I don't have time to be lazy AND to blog? Man....Life is just tough I guess ;)
I actually haven't been working all that much. Just 16 hours last week, probably less this week. Last week I had a bunch of training and this week the social workers seem to be taking their sweet time introducing me to their kids. Oh well! I know two out of the four, so that's half way there! I know I will meet another one for sure next week, and hopefully meet the other social worker too...She stood me up this week. I showed up and found out she wasn't working... it's bittersweet, cause if that happens, I still get paid for the length of the meeting! So I billed them for 1 1/2 hours for nothing! Kinda nice!
Tonight I'm going out with a youth to the mall to do a crazy random photo shoot (and see if we get kicked out of any stores), And tomorrow I'm decorating Easter eggs and baking cookies! I know I know, you're all thinking "gee, she's got it rough"! What can I say? I'm a working woman now!
Tonight we meet with the nice house lady to see if she'll take 40,000 dollars less than her asking price for the house haha! So feel free to keep that in your prayers!
I actually haven't been working all that much. Just 16 hours last week, probably less this week. Last week I had a bunch of training and this week the social workers seem to be taking their sweet time introducing me to their kids. Oh well! I know two out of the four, so that's half way there! I know I will meet another one for sure next week, and hopefully meet the other social worker too...She stood me up this week. I showed up and found out she wasn't working... it's bittersweet, cause if that happens, I still get paid for the length of the meeting! So I billed them for 1 1/2 hours for nothing! Kinda nice!
Tonight I'm going out with a youth to the mall to do a crazy random photo shoot (and see if we get kicked out of any stores), And tomorrow I'm decorating Easter eggs and baking cookies! I know I know, you're all thinking "gee, she's got it rough"! What can I say? I'm a working woman now!
Tonight we meet with the nice house lady to see if she'll take 40,000 dollars less than her asking price for the house haha! So feel free to keep that in your prayers!
Thursday, April 7, 2011
First Week working with CFS
When you hear the word CFS, what's the first word that pops into your head? I'd be willing to bet that it wasn't "passionate" or "family" or "dedicated" ... But Metis CFS I am learning is very different than other CFS agencies...You can call me baised, and I'm sure that part of it is a bias! If I worked with Winnipeg CFS I'd be sure to say "they're not as bad as everyone thinks"...but as it stands, here I am at Metis, and So i am telling you that some of the words I think of with Metis CFS is passionate, dedicated, a family, a strong culture, an excellent people group who is succeeding!
I think anyone racist against Native people needs to spend at least 2 or 3 days at Metis CFS and those steriotypes will be broken. You want to see a Metis man doing "real" work? come meet my boss who has risen from EVERY steriotype you can think of, is attaining his Social Work and is In a WELL respected position within a government agency. Wow! He is incredible, and EVERYON respects him!
I guess it's been a bit of a journey for me this week, coming to terms with the fact that this was my second choice job, trying to decide how much culture I would like to delve into and decide whether I want to commit to these youth or not... Well i've decided to commit to all of the above and This is DEFINATELY the better job choice! God knew what He was doing! Vern (my boss) Was giving me the tour when we walked into the Culture room at the main office. It's a circular room that looks like you just walked into Pow Wow Central. It's about as close to a "chaple" as it gets for Metis. Well he said some wise words to me when he explained this.
He said (not word for word) "You are walking into OUR culture. With that comes certain cultural expectations (eg, only walk clock wise around the room, smudging etc...). Just like you wouldn't want me walking into your mennonite community and saying "fuck this! I don' do dis shit!" I don't want you walking into this room and saying " oh NO! I don't do that smudging stuff! I'm too good for that!""
Honestly, wow! Wise words indeed! I'd never thought of it that way. Anyone who'se been to a youth group can attest to the cultural expectations that christianity puts on people...Why should we expect to NOT play our own games? When in rome, do as the Romans...When In Metis CFS, do as the Metis do...Why should this be a compromization of my faith? Sure there is confusion in the spirituality. Sure there are demons involved...but I know I have prayers support (lol especially when my mom finds out i'm open to a smudge) but really? These people are from Shem, I'm from Ham and the jews are from Japheth (don't quote me on that, but you get the idea)... Really? you CAN'T tell me we aren't all serving the same creator.. "the creator" is THE creator! They may not have the Jesus part, but the God part, they've got....
Anyway, lots of thoughts to consider right now, but there's a bite for y'alls!
I met my first client today and I can see that I will have to keep my boundaries in check, or i'll just go crazy caring for these girls and getting attached to them! "high needs"...what a joke! I'm sure you've heard that Native people are a product of their history...you don't know it's true until you look someone in the face and hear their story.
One of my clients (on top of historical issues, and abusive family life and street living etc...) has had a police officer has called her a "fucking squaw" and "you're all the same" while incarcerating her...and that's the least of her concerns, let alone that this ISN'T recorded anywhere in her file because it's a police officer's word over hers... It breaks my heart what the system can get away with, and how it hurts these kids...someone needs to be held accountable for this...
Well anyway, that's my rant for now!
I think anyone racist against Native people needs to spend at least 2 or 3 days at Metis CFS and those steriotypes will be broken. You want to see a Metis man doing "real" work? come meet my boss who has risen from EVERY steriotype you can think of, is attaining his Social Work and is In a WELL respected position within a government agency. Wow! He is incredible, and EVERYON respects him!
I guess it's been a bit of a journey for me this week, coming to terms with the fact that this was my second choice job, trying to decide how much culture I would like to delve into and decide whether I want to commit to these youth or not... Well i've decided to commit to all of the above and This is DEFINATELY the better job choice! God knew what He was doing! Vern (my boss) Was giving me the tour when we walked into the Culture room at the main office. It's a circular room that looks like you just walked into Pow Wow Central. It's about as close to a "chaple" as it gets for Metis. Well he said some wise words to me when he explained this.
He said (not word for word) "You are walking into OUR culture. With that comes certain cultural expectations (eg, only walk clock wise around the room, smudging etc...). Just like you wouldn't want me walking into your mennonite community and saying "fuck this! I don' do dis shit!" I don't want you walking into this room and saying " oh NO! I don't do that smudging stuff! I'm too good for that!""
Honestly, wow! Wise words indeed! I'd never thought of it that way. Anyone who'se been to a youth group can attest to the cultural expectations that christianity puts on people...Why should we expect to NOT play our own games? When in rome, do as the Romans...When In Metis CFS, do as the Metis do...Why should this be a compromization of my faith? Sure there is confusion in the spirituality. Sure there are demons involved...but I know I have prayers support (lol especially when my mom finds out i'm open to a smudge) but really? These people are from Shem, I'm from Ham and the jews are from Japheth (don't quote me on that, but you get the idea)... Really? you CAN'T tell me we aren't all serving the same creator.. "the creator" is THE creator! They may not have the Jesus part, but the God part, they've got....
Anyway, lots of thoughts to consider right now, but there's a bite for y'alls!
I met my first client today and I can see that I will have to keep my boundaries in check, or i'll just go crazy caring for these girls and getting attached to them! "high needs"...what a joke! I'm sure you've heard that Native people are a product of their history...you don't know it's true until you look someone in the face and hear their story.
One of my clients (on top of historical issues, and abusive family life and street living etc...) has had a police officer has called her a "fucking squaw" and "you're all the same" while incarcerating her...and that's the least of her concerns, let alone that this ISN'T recorded anywhere in her file because it's a police officer's word over hers... It breaks my heart what the system can get away with, and how it hurts these kids...someone needs to be held accountable for this...
Well anyway, that's my rant for now!
Sunday, April 3, 2011
busy busy!
So we saw a house today that we might buy... no idea yet though. it's QUITE a fixer-upper, but definately do-able. The problem is that the people selling it have sentimental attachment and feel like it's worth about 30-40000 dollars more than it truly is valued at...We had my cousin come in and give us some numbers (he's a real-estate agent) so we know more what we're doing. So now our heads are full of numbers and renno's and costs-bennefits analysis and I can't sleep lol.
In other news, I start my job tomorrow! (monday)! woot! It's just orientation (meaning me and the boss-man talking), so it'll be low-key and more learning than performance. Should be good. I will have a chance to get into the game of things. And I'm assuming I get paid for this orientation business, so that will feel good! I'm feeling better about all this job stuff. I still don't understand why I would be under the impression that God wanted to give me the other job...unless He just knows what I want better than I do...That could very well be I guess. I think it's funny that I'm at peace dispite this supposed "un answered, answered prayer" for a Job. I'll take it. Everyone who'se worked with Metis cfs says they're amazing and they do great training, so I can't go wrong. And it's a job, so i'll take it!
Anyway, God is good...
In other news, I start my job tomorrow! (monday)! woot! It's just orientation (meaning me and the boss-man talking), so it'll be low-key and more learning than performance. Should be good. I will have a chance to get into the game of things. And I'm assuming I get paid for this orientation business, so that will feel good! I'm feeling better about all this job stuff. I still don't understand why I would be under the impression that God wanted to give me the other job...unless He just knows what I want better than I do...That could very well be I guess. I think it's funny that I'm at peace dispite this supposed "un answered, answered prayer" for a Job. I'll take it. Everyone who'se worked with Metis cfs says they're amazing and they do great training, so I can't go wrong. And it's a job, so i'll take it!
Anyway, God is good...
Friday, April 1, 2011
filth
FILTH! EVERYWHERE! WHAT THE HELL ARE CHRISTIANS DOING, COVERED IN SATAN'S FECES!? GOD! your lense is almost overwhelming! WHat the HELL is hell doing in yourchurch!? why in heaven are your cherished closest children the ones whomay still have addictions, be gay, be prostituting or recieving services from one? Why is the real church in a house on mountain and salter avenue, and why does the big filthy poo-covered church suffer so much?
I hate all your show... I hate all your show...I hate it I hate it I hate it!!!! HATE HATE YOUR SHOW... IT IS FILTH! IT IS POOP! IT IS VOMIT! IT IS A LARGE BELCH AND A NAUSEATING FART! ALL OF THAT POURED ONTO YOUR SHOW! THAT'S WHAT IT IS! I HATE IT!!! IT'S DISGUSTING! STOP! STOP SHOWING ME THIS! START BEING WHO YOU ARE, AND STOP SHOWING UP AND SHOWING OFF!! I HATE ALL YOUR SHOW
I HATE IT!! Satan get OUT of my church! Get OUT!! GET OUT GET OUT!!! I want to crush you!! come here you snake, and slither on your belly! i'll put on my sharpest heels and crush your head! I hope it hurts, I hope you reel in pain because you had your chance and you hurt my God! Now he will give me the strenght to overcome my gender's fear and failure from you! You will DIE satan! AND When you do! Christ will be holding me and I will be looking you in the eyes! I want to watch you as you fail and can never touch another child of God. you are a beast. you are a toxic disgust! You are child-rape! You are dieriah, and Gas and guns! You are mud, and you are pain! You are embarassing nudety! You are colon cancer! You are masturbation! You are FILTH!!! YOU ARE INCEST! YOU ARE MURDER!!! YOU ARE WEIGHT ISSUES AND STARVATION! YOU ARE SELFISHNESS!! Don't you ever think for one second that God's creation is ANY of those things... THOSE THINGS ARE ALL YOU SATAN! and YOU will reap your reward!!! YOU ARE THE CRUSADES AND PAIN AND TORCHURE!! YOU will pay 70X7 for EVERY BIT OF PAIN you have caused to creation! Your hatred for God's children...God hates you more... and for every creation of His you have sent to Hell, you will suffer 7 eterneties in Hell, and you will feel every second of it! Because YOU killed my God, you killed my christ! I am Holy and you are not! I HATE YOU SATAN!! I HATE YOU more than you hate me! So watch out! Don't even try to strike fear into me, because I KNOW you are trembling right now!! IN THE NAME OF CHRIST JESUS you are FILTH! I will defeat you! Yes! THis is a challenge! My christ is with me, and the guilt you try to throw at me will do nothing.. SO help me i will cut your throat with the sword myself!! Get on your knees Satan! YOur time is coming!!!
I hate all your show... I hate all your show...I hate it I hate it I hate it!!!! HATE HATE YOUR SHOW... IT IS FILTH! IT IS POOP! IT IS VOMIT! IT IS A LARGE BELCH AND A NAUSEATING FART! ALL OF THAT POURED ONTO YOUR SHOW! THAT'S WHAT IT IS! I HATE IT!!! IT'S DISGUSTING! STOP! STOP SHOWING ME THIS! START BEING WHO YOU ARE, AND STOP SHOWING UP AND SHOWING OFF!! I HATE ALL YOUR SHOW
I HATE IT!! Satan get OUT of my church! Get OUT!! GET OUT GET OUT!!! I want to crush you!! come here you snake, and slither on your belly! i'll put on my sharpest heels and crush your head! I hope it hurts, I hope you reel in pain because you had your chance and you hurt my God! Now he will give me the strenght to overcome my gender's fear and failure from you! You will DIE satan! AND When you do! Christ will be holding me and I will be looking you in the eyes! I want to watch you as you fail and can never touch another child of God. you are a beast. you are a toxic disgust! You are child-rape! You are dieriah, and Gas and guns! You are mud, and you are pain! You are embarassing nudety! You are colon cancer! You are masturbation! You are FILTH!!! YOU ARE INCEST! YOU ARE MURDER!!! YOU ARE WEIGHT ISSUES AND STARVATION! YOU ARE SELFISHNESS!! Don't you ever think for one second that God's creation is ANY of those things... THOSE THINGS ARE ALL YOU SATAN! and YOU will reap your reward!!! YOU ARE THE CRUSADES AND PAIN AND TORCHURE!! YOU will pay 70X7 for EVERY BIT OF PAIN you have caused to creation! Your hatred for God's children...God hates you more... and for every creation of His you have sent to Hell, you will suffer 7 eterneties in Hell, and you will feel every second of it! Because YOU killed my God, you killed my christ! I am Holy and you are not! I HATE YOU SATAN!! I HATE YOU more than you hate me! So watch out! Don't even try to strike fear into me, because I KNOW you are trembling right now!! IN THE NAME OF CHRIST JESUS you are FILTH! I will defeat you! Yes! THis is a challenge! My christ is with me, and the guilt you try to throw at me will do nothing.. SO help me i will cut your throat with the sword myself!! Get on your knees Satan! YOur time is coming!!!
Sigh! No RWB Job...
Yeesh! After the last post I look like a fool for not getting the job...I honestly will not dis-credit my last post, because right after I wrote that, I went on facebook and God said "tell Nikki I love her"...so I did...and promptly went off facebook. She then Texted me inquiring "why did you say that? what prompted that!?" and I told her "God told me to say it!" and She then opened up about her huge dilemma with "what does God's love mean?" Going on a missions trip and staring suffering in the face, the question "why does God allow suffering" was far from Cliche for her...Wow! God tells me to send a "Hey! God loves ya!" to someone and this is what happens! God ALWAYS confirms His words to me... and He confirmed everything with that interaction...so I have a hard time dis-crediting my last post or calling myself a fool. How can we ever have faith if we never step out and take a risk?
I still believe my God! I still believe he will do the impossible in me! Here are some impossible things He is doing in my Metis CFS Job I have:
I still believe my God! I still believe he will do the impossible in me! Here are some impossible things He is doing in my Metis CFS Job I have:
- I am working with youth, which I have always been afraid of doing!
- I am working with First Nations people which is my gut passion, and I am un-qualified to do so!
- I have a former drug-addict/dealer/pimp/rapist/alchoholic for a boss :) And I love it!!
- I am working with students of another religion (which only God can conquer)
- I grew up in a conservative church and now I get to be God's grace in the lives of the people the church has been judging and murdering for decades.
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
renewed faith
Mike and Jesse, God wants you to know that He is yearning after your hearts, as a proud father yearns to praise his son, and spend time with him. God loves you both, and he is proud to see you both serving Him in the ways you are.
Mike, God also see's how you serve Him in the ways no one else see's...
Kayla, God is with you and guiding you. Don't forget that.
Mike B... God says stop running from my grace for you. God appreciates your seeking heart and he knows your heart. He sees your devotion because he put that within you. But God doesn't want you to be afraid to have faith... or to accept His grace for you.
Alyssa, God says "I love you and you are in my will. I am proud of you. You don't have to try to please me, you are blessing me every day, every hour. You serve my precious children Michael and Jayden!"
and to everyone else, God loves you...take time to hear his voice, because He's got a message for you too. You don't need to be an expert or a "good" christian...you don't need profound devotion to hear His voice...I'm no one special (and I don't mean that in the "cauky christian spiritual speaker" way, I mean that in the " I haven't read my bible for several weeks and i've been ignoring God, yet he still loves me" way).
So obviousely that's a really wierd way to start off a blog post. I got my tongues back :) woot!!
Here's the story:
I plunked myself down on the toilet seat (best place to pray, hands down!) and started to be blunt with God... Like... "God I just have no theology except, forgive me and make me new RIGHT NOW...please..." and "I am confused by your voice and Dont know what to listen to...but i want to follow you... but I hate ALL the voices I am hearing lately... cause they conflict yet sound like you!! I don't want to take any of them seriousely!"
So anyway, i pray and pray in my blunt offensive yet simple and child-like way about the two jobs I am wrestling between... Does God want me to give one up in faith of the other? as a test of my faith? do I take the successful Job and take it as God's provision? or the one with the lesser wage, and take it as my service to God and trust that he will provide for my husband and I? SO CONFUSED!!! So frustrated! So unsure what to do!!!
Then I get the sense that I should go read his word...so I pick up some verses that I printed out a while ago (intending to post them in our appartment...but I haven't gotten around to it yet...) and it reads " Then Jesus Said to his disciples "If any of you wants to be my follower, you must turn from your selfish ways, take up your cross and follow me. If you try to hang on to your life, you will lose it. But if you give up your life for my sake, you will save it. And what do you benefit if you gain the whole world but lose your won soul? is anything worth more than your soul?"... Oh great! That sure helps our situation... next verse reads as follows
"Woe to those who go to great depths to hide their plans from the lord...etc..You turn things upside down as if the potter were thought to be like the clay! Shall what is formed say to Him who ofrmed it "he did no make me'? can the pot say to the potter "he knows notheing"?" --Isaiah 29:15-16
--_Gee god...Am I hiding from you? am i doubting you? oh the conviction, yet amidst complete confusion!!
But after another verse I finaly read In Micah "he has showed you o man what is good. And What does the lord require of you? To act Justly, To love Mercy and to walk Humbly with your God..." Micah 6:8
Then Something clicked... I took that verse, plus what my counselor said "God created us, and so sometimes we are following God, by following our hearts"...sounded new-agey to me at the time, but now it seems that God was speaking in a small way...
God was saying "I want you to choose which one you truly want!" and then I sat, slightly relieved but then...really NOT relieved when I realized, I had NO idea which job I truly wanted!! Wow!
So I sat down and wrote "CFS" on one column and "RWB" on the other...I started making a list of pro's and con's ...each pro was worth a point and i scored them up! The score was CFS 7 RWB 9... Shows you how close it was! So then I started to pray and with confidence, asked God Boldy to give me the RWB job...
Then I began praising God! Oh the victory He will have in this position! overcoming so much of my insecurities and past defeats! My failures! It is truely only by God that I could ever get this job, and In faith, I am praising Him for this victory!
This is when i started rambling in tongues and got those words for you peeps :) anywho, keep praying with me about my interview tomorrow at the Royal Winnipeg Ballet at 3 or 3:30 (can't really remember which time...I wasn't interested when i got the call, so now i'm frantically hunting down the details again)...
thanks!! and Praise God some more for me!
Mike, God also see's how you serve Him in the ways no one else see's...
Kayla, God is with you and guiding you. Don't forget that.
Mike B... God says stop running from my grace for you. God appreciates your seeking heart and he knows your heart. He sees your devotion because he put that within you. But God doesn't want you to be afraid to have faith... or to accept His grace for you.
Alyssa, God says "I love you and you are in my will. I am proud of you. You don't have to try to please me, you are blessing me every day, every hour. You serve my precious children Michael and Jayden!"
and to everyone else, God loves you...take time to hear his voice, because He's got a message for you too. You don't need to be an expert or a "good" christian...you don't need profound devotion to hear His voice...I'm no one special (and I don't mean that in the "cauky christian spiritual speaker" way, I mean that in the " I haven't read my bible for several weeks and i've been ignoring God, yet he still loves me" way).
So obviousely that's a really wierd way to start off a blog post. I got my tongues back :) woot!!
Here's the story:
I plunked myself down on the toilet seat (best place to pray, hands down!) and started to be blunt with God... Like... "God I just have no theology except, forgive me and make me new RIGHT NOW...please..." and "I am confused by your voice and Dont know what to listen to...but i want to follow you... but I hate ALL the voices I am hearing lately... cause they conflict yet sound like you!! I don't want to take any of them seriousely!"
So anyway, i pray and pray in my blunt offensive yet simple and child-like way about the two jobs I am wrestling between... Does God want me to give one up in faith of the other? as a test of my faith? do I take the successful Job and take it as God's provision? or the one with the lesser wage, and take it as my service to God and trust that he will provide for my husband and I? SO CONFUSED!!! So frustrated! So unsure what to do!!!
Then I get the sense that I should go read his word...so I pick up some verses that I printed out a while ago (intending to post them in our appartment...but I haven't gotten around to it yet...) and it reads " Then Jesus Said to his disciples "If any of you wants to be my follower, you must turn from your selfish ways, take up your cross and follow me. If you try to hang on to your life, you will lose it. But if you give up your life for my sake, you will save it. And what do you benefit if you gain the whole world but lose your won soul? is anything worth more than your soul?"... Oh great! That sure helps our situation... next verse reads as follows
"Woe to those who go to great depths to hide their plans from the lord...etc..You turn things upside down as if the potter were thought to be like the clay! Shall what is formed say to Him who ofrmed it "he did no make me'? can the pot say to the potter "he knows notheing"?" --Isaiah 29:15-16
--_Gee god...Am I hiding from you? am i doubting you? oh the conviction, yet amidst complete confusion!!
But after another verse I finaly read In Micah "he has showed you o man what is good. And What does the lord require of you? To act Justly, To love Mercy and to walk Humbly with your God..." Micah 6:8
Then Something clicked... I took that verse, plus what my counselor said "God created us, and so sometimes we are following God, by following our hearts"...sounded new-agey to me at the time, but now it seems that God was speaking in a small way...
God was saying "I want you to choose which one you truly want!" and then I sat, slightly relieved but then...really NOT relieved when I realized, I had NO idea which job I truly wanted!! Wow!
So I sat down and wrote "CFS" on one column and "RWB" on the other...I started making a list of pro's and con's ...each pro was worth a point and i scored them up! The score was CFS 7 RWB 9... Shows you how close it was! So then I started to pray and with confidence, asked God Boldy to give me the RWB job...
Then I began praising God! Oh the victory He will have in this position! overcoming so much of my insecurities and past defeats! My failures! It is truely only by God that I could ever get this job, and In faith, I am praising Him for this victory!
This is when i started rambling in tongues and got those words for you peeps :) anywho, keep praying with me about my interview tomorrow at the Royal Winnipeg Ballet at 3 or 3:30 (can't really remember which time...I wasn't interested when i got the call, so now i'm frantically hunting down the details again)...
thanks!! and Praise God some more for me!
Thursday, March 17, 2011
My name is Krysta
And I am beautiful!
And I am beautiful!
I am 142 Lbs
The world says I should Be 115
And I am beautiful
The world says I should Be 115
And I am beautiful
My thighs touch each other most times
and My shoulder-waist-hip measurements don't meet standards
And I am beautiful
and My shoulder-waist-hip measurements don't meet standards
And I am beautiful
I have been married less than 2 years
We argue often
And I am a God-given gift to my husband.
We argue often
And I am a God-given gift to my husband.
I have been diagnosed with A.D.D.
I take pills so i'm "not crazy"
And I am a Godly, Wise Confidant!
I take pills so i'm "not crazy"
And I am a Godly, Wise Confidant!
I graduated with my Bachelor of Social Work
...But JUST Barely according to the college
And I am the strongest Advocate I know.
...But JUST Barely according to the college
And I am the strongest Advocate I know.
No one has hired me for over 6 months
I dont meet the Booth College "100 percent placement rate"
And I am a success!
I dont meet the Booth College "100 percent placement rate"
And I am a success!
I have a giant red zit between my left eye and my nose
and cover-up seems to lose it's name to this one!
And my skin was crafted by the same God that created Diamonds
and cover-up seems to lose it's name to this one!
And my skin was crafted by the same God that created Diamonds
I forget to talk to God for weeks
The church says "you should be disciplined if you really love Christ"
And I am a prophetic Warrior and dearly beloved bride of Christ
The church says "you should be disciplined if you really love Christ"
And I am a prophetic Warrior and dearly beloved bride of Christ
My name is Krysta,
My skin is white, My eyes are blue
And I often feel like a minority in our multi-cultural society
And I have just as much right to brag about my culture as anyone else!
My skin is white, My eyes are blue
And I often feel like a minority in our multi-cultural society
And I have just as much right to brag about my culture as anyone else!
I am Russian
And Canadian
And Christan
And Canadian
And Christan
I dont actually want to have children
yet...
And I am a Proverbs 31 woman
yet...
And I am a Proverbs 31 woman
I cant paint my nails without going "over the lines"
or read ANY book to the end!
and I have poise and an attentive spirit!
or read ANY book to the end!
and I have poise and an attentive spirit!
My name is Krysta,
I am over-weight, my thigh's touch, My measurements fail, I argue with my husband...
I have a "disorder", I "barely" graduated, I am unwanted by employers
I have flawed Skin, I dont meet the church's standards for devotion, and I'm a majority race
I am russian and part of a closed-minded faith, and I don't want children...
I am over-weight, my thigh's touch, My measurements fail, I argue with my husband...
I have a "disorder", I "barely" graduated, I am unwanted by employers
I have flawed Skin, I dont meet the church's standards for devotion, and I'm a majority race
I am russian and part of a closed-minded faith, and I don't want children...
My name is Krysta!
I am beautiful! I am a God-given gift to my husband, I am Godly and Wise.
I am an advocate and a success. My skin is perfect and I am a warrior.
I am proud to be white and blond and blue eyed!
I am a proverbs 31 woman, and I have poise!
I am beautiful! I am a God-given gift to my husband, I am Godly and Wise.
I am an advocate and a success. My skin is perfect and I am a warrior.
I am proud to be white and blond and blue eyed!
I am a proverbs 31 woman, and I have poise!
My name is Krysta and I am beautiful...
Monday, March 7, 2011
sigh! A downer post...
So this post will probably sound negative, but I need to vent about all of this and feel like someone might read it lol! At least Alyssa will read it while she's feeding Jadyn! Haha Yay!
It's job related... I'm getting so stinking discouraged!! I've been out of school since August, and graduated since October! This month we start paying off my student loans, which means i'm at the "official" six month mark with no job... after graduating from the college that claims a "100 percent placement rate"... obviously that is crap...
I have submitted well over 70 resume's had 4-6 social work interviews and 3 non-social work interviews, 20-30 rejection letters... but no job... I'm starting to feel un-employable. Like i'm not worth hiring. Maybe I'm not cut out to work at all!
Even when I was applying for seasonal work, Sears was the only place that called back, and they didn't even keep me on after Christmas. My card business is flopping...
And yet I can't manage to keep our appartment clean or work out regularely or do devotions regularly... I've been getting sick all winter.
I don't feel like I'm doing anything for God or anyone else, and I'm un-employable, un-healthy, un-tidy, un-fit...I feel like anyone who isn't my closest friend just thinks i'm stupid and crazy, and my self-confidence is absolutely zero right now...
So anyway, if you're reading this, you can pray for me...
It's job related... I'm getting so stinking discouraged!! I've been out of school since August, and graduated since October! This month we start paying off my student loans, which means i'm at the "official" six month mark with no job... after graduating from the college that claims a "100 percent placement rate"... obviously that is crap...
I have submitted well over 70 resume's had 4-6 social work interviews and 3 non-social work interviews, 20-30 rejection letters... but no job... I'm starting to feel un-employable. Like i'm not worth hiring. Maybe I'm not cut out to work at all!
Even when I was applying for seasonal work, Sears was the only place that called back, and they didn't even keep me on after Christmas. My card business is flopping...
And yet I can't manage to keep our appartment clean or work out regularely or do devotions regularly... I've been getting sick all winter.
I don't feel like I'm doing anything for God or anyone else, and I'm un-employable, un-healthy, un-tidy, un-fit...I feel like anyone who isn't my closest friend just thinks i'm stupid and crazy, and my self-confidence is absolutely zero right now...
So anyway, if you're reading this, you can pray for me...
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Here I go again
it is always ironic, the things I have to teach my sundayschool girls about. This month it's courage; "Do the things you should do, even though you're afraid" cause God is on our side.
Man, God! I feel like a pacifist teaching about how to be a good christian in the army!
It sounds silly but I am very aware that I am scared of becoming all that God want's me to be...scared of my own potential...
God, give me courage to go beyond comfort. Help me let go of this world, of comfort. of "the good life"...Don't let, "losing those things" be my ultimate fear. Re-focus me God...
Man, God! I feel like a pacifist teaching about how to be a good christian in the army!
It sounds silly but I am very aware that I am scared of becoming all that God want's me to be...scared of my own potential...
God, give me courage to go beyond comfort. Help me let go of this world, of comfort. of "the good life"...Don't let, "losing those things" be my ultimate fear. Re-focus me God...
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
A strange realization
God... What a crappy detox this has been... I think it's interesting to see how unhealthy I am without my asthma meds which are being detoxed from my system... What an example of how helpless I am without you... Please give me strength and health as I try and complete this detox! It's getting so hard with this lack-of-breathing... oh the gift of air...what a blessing it is... please give me patience and perseverance... I know I shouldn't be asking, but I have to...
God, please meet me here... I want to meet iwth you... I know you have been working in my life lately! I know you're the one motivating me to do this husband encouragement challenge. You're the one motivating me to do this 30 day prayer challenge... I feel as though you are sharpening me... I'm such a crappy kid of yours God... How many times must you sharpen me for me to just go and ware myself out again... God I so desparately want to just be sold out to you... I wish I could do that easier... easy...hah! Nothing is easy with you! That's a good thing I guess eh? Its a rough battle to build muscle and it's just as rough to build spiritual muscle... lol It's like a weight loss plan where the person is like "No one told me this would take work!!! I had enough money for the plan, isn't that enough!?!" Except with you, it's "no one told me how hard it would be to actually be sold-out to you! Isn't praying for it good enough!?"
...man...God...you see right through that don't you...you expose my lies...my hipocracies... you know where my heart actually is, and yet you love me. It doesn't make sense... I crucify you over and over again and you just keep coming back to marry your murderer... why are you so in love with your murderer Jesus!?! WHY!? The conviction is almost too much for me! Once was already pretty astounding...but EVERY DAY I KILL you! And every day you come back to me with loving open arms!
You know... I complain to you about how marriage is bad for the heart sometimes... as if my heartache is even comparable to yours... you married me and I consciously choose to walk away from you almost every day... Why God? Why do you love me? what is so special about me? Absolutely nothing!
I don't know what to do with that... Well...intellectually I do... I know that I need to accept your grace and serve you as a humble and un-worthy child of yours, proclaiming your praises... But in reality i'm just at a place of dis-belief! I believe, but It's so un-believable how much you love me, how much grace you have for me!
You use me to encourage people...to DISCIPLE people! Who am I to represent you!? Who is your murderer to represent you?
But I guess you did it with Paul didn't you... what a dink he was... I can't believe you took him either... It's a good thing I don't have your job, or you'd probably have ran out of lightning bolts before Sodom and Gomorrah!
....I want to serve you... But I just can't comprehend your grace enough to accept it right now... How can I be so flawed and be so incredibly used by such a perfect loving God? It doesn't make sense to me! God! What the heck is wrong with you!?!? Theology can't explain you! Great speakers can't even begin to describe you! No painting will ever capture your beauty! Even the greatest of all your creations on earth cannot begin to describe who you really are! It just blows my mind!
What the heck is a haemoglobin and how on earth did you just sculpt a person!? how did you just SPEAK oceans of creatures into existence? You made my garlic sprout and now you're making it multiply! you make huge plants that can heal people, from a sand-sized seed! You already know all kinds of herbal remedies that we haven't discovered... and you don't need ANY of them to heal someone! God...you are... well, you are GOD! That's all their is to it!
"Who am I, that you are mindful of me"...
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
update on life!
So life continues on! I had an interview last week and another one today. Both are for support worker positions that are well below the social worker level...but you know what? I don't even care! I'm actually relieved that I can do less-stressful work and maintain dignity and work in the helping profession! It's nice to be valued in the interviews for my skills as opposed to scoffed at for my lack of experience. I am praying that one of these jobs works out fer me!
In other news, the 30 day prayer challenge continues on. I've missed some days, and done it others...it's rough to commit to it every day! It's rewarding when I take the time to do the challenge!
In even other news, I'm coughing up a storm again...feel free to pray!!
In EVEN MORE news, K Harder Cards is being sold at Savoir Faire gift shop! This is pretty exciting to me, and i've started marketing to other boutiques and florists. We'll see if anyone else bites! I still like making private sales as I get 5 bucks instead of 2.50 from each card... but hey! 2.50 is better than sitting on my butt doing nothing!
Anway, that's all for now! No crazy God moments or anything...probably my fault on that one...I don't know what's holding me back. I guess I'm scared of being radical. It's stupid I know. So you can pray about that if you want to!
Love you all!
- Krysta
In other news, the 30 day prayer challenge continues on. I've missed some days, and done it others...it's rough to commit to it every day! It's rewarding when I take the time to do the challenge!
In even other news, I'm coughing up a storm again...feel free to pray!!
In EVEN MORE news, K Harder Cards is being sold at Savoir Faire gift shop! This is pretty exciting to me, and i've started marketing to other boutiques and florists. We'll see if anyone else bites! I still like making private sales as I get 5 bucks instead of 2.50 from each card... but hey! 2.50 is better than sitting on my butt doing nothing!
Anway, that's all for now! No crazy God moments or anything...probably my fault on that one...I don't know what's holding me back. I guess I'm scared of being radical. It's stupid I know. So you can pray about that if you want to!
Love you all!
- Krysta
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Examine again!
no guilt allowed...
Exit the world- So God, please take my guilt from me now. I feel pretty bad for having not prayed for three whole days...today is day four! and now i am distracted..just like i have been all morning...ugh!!! Please help me focus and free me from Guilt. Help me come into your presence. Please forgive me and cleanse me so I can talk with you... Cleanse...I'm doing a 7 day cleanse soon! Maybe we can talk about that a bit later! It'd be neat to make it spiritual AND physical! Anyway, ya. you can remind me of this grand idea and give me your insight on it... huh? you want to give me your insight now? cool! I'll take it! I guess you also want me to post this on my blog don't you? I can tell by the way I'm writing this! Otherwise I'd just write your words down, but you're having me write only mine.
So this detox then...oh? you mean we'll talk about it later, but still tody? aight! Lets move on in the Examen then!
Reviewing the day- I guess I have to review a FEW days...first of all, thank you for keeping me motivated to go to the gym! that has been awesome! I don't think i've ever been this regular at going, and it's neat that you're helping me that way when I'm trying hard not to ask for stuff...
Thanks also for inspiring me to receive your gift of marriage and a Husband...Thanks for helping me realize how much more seriously He has taken that gift than I have. It's really good to know exactly what to work on right now...
And thanks for my health! for helping me get better! This winter has made me appreciate the gift of health so much more, now that i've experienced having that gift taken from me for a longer period of time.
Pay attention to your emotions- I am much calmer now than I was at the beginning of the prayer. Part of that is probably my A.D.D. drugs kicking in, but part of that I know is peace from your spirit. Thank you Holy spirit for your forgiveness and grace. thanks for coming to meet me here. I know you are all powerful and I don't deserve your blessings...but I know your favour rests on me! Thank you!
Evaluate my day- point by point, for yesterday (tuesday)
- You were with me as I woke up with very little sleep.
- you got me to the gym on time and helped me through my work out, with my asthma trying to stop me.
- you provided my bus RIGHT when i got outside! You knew it was cold! And my bus only comes every 45 minutes so I know it was you!
- you gave me some time to relax at home before galivanting all day with amanda.
- you found me some fun stuff at MCC including my amazing tea cup!
- you gave my husband grace for my spending yesterday at cornelia bean :S oops...
- you gave me the opportunity to see Mike and Alyssa's baby again! God, new people are such a wonder, and seeing the love of a parent just makes me rejoice in your love for us.
-With the crazy road conditions, you gave Amanda and I safety, even though we could bairly see the roads and there were MANY stupid drivers!!!! (sorry, they aren't stupid...they just don't know how to drive well...)
- you gave me a cheerful heart for my husband who was VERY tired in the evening!
- you also gave me awesome creativity and skill in the kitchen making supper!
- and...you gave me A HUGE AND WONDERFUL night's rest!! thanks for that!!!
Now what?-- So what do you want for today? (or what's left of today...it's already 11:00...). You want me to enjoy your creation? your sunshine? cool! So you want me to do the things I need to do, and then enjoy your creation... I think I can do that!! :)
Friday, February 18, 2011
30 day examen challenge
This past Sunday at church, the Pastor preached about how committed we are to our prayer lives. He gave us a challenge as he taught us about examining ourselves and our prayer lives. He talked a little bit about the 95 Theses nailed to the doors of the catholic church that changed Christianity forever. It's pretty intense how rude those statements actually are when you translate them from old-English to plain-ol' English! like... Martin Luther wrote and nailed to the wall a statement that said "The pope cannot forgive you your sins. He cannot take away any penalties given you by God...The pope does not have power to remove guilt from you, only God can"... In fact, he calls priests "ignorant and wicked" for exercising penance for purgatory and calling it biblical! He also said that "the dead are dead. they aren't bound to religious rules! (A.K.A. Purgetory is crap)".
So anyway, it was neat to hear some of those things in plain English. Here's a link to see the 95 Theses (not in contemporary English) if i've sparked your curiosity!
My plan with this blog post, is to share the 30 day challenge with you, and write it out for y'all to see! The thirty day challenge is a challenge to examine ourselves every day, spending time with God. It's an evaluation of each day with God, and a way to see Him working in your life. Here's how it works!
- Become aware of God's presence (sense the spirit, get in "the zone")
- Review the day with gratitude (thank God for the stuff he did for you yesterday or today-depending which day you are examening-)
- pay attention to your emotions (or invite the spirit in...Be aware of what the spirit is doing in you right now)
- Evaluate the day (like...point by point, go through the entire day and see where God was in everything)
- Now what? (ask God what he want's you to do with what you've just evaluated. Is He putting anything on your heart?
So here I go! I'm just gonna pray it as it comes and write it all down!
Become Aware: God, please meet me here in this moment... speak to my heart and let me feel you in a very present way. God I want to sense you are here, and I want others to see you are rediculousely personal! Help me focus on you right now in this time. Please keep me from being distracted, and guide me as I examen yesterday.
Review the day with gratitude: God, yesterday thanks for giving me a relaxing day while I was sick. Thanks for giving me enough energy to do the tasks that needed to happen. You gave me more creativity to make cards! Thanks! Thanks for somehow giving me energy to apply for Jobs, and for carrying me as I found out that I didn't get the job in Little Grand Rapids... God, thanks for providing our supper and giving us time with our family in the evening! Thanks for giving us a place to relax and spend our evening. I think Curtis would've gone crazy if we were home all evening...after three days off of work... Speaking of which, thanks! I know you will provide for us! And God, I also thank you for the way you gave both Curtis and I patience amidst our exhaustion and sickness to communicate effectively and enhance our marriage. You really do bless us!
And...ya... Well you know i'm a little cheezed off for not getting this job up north. Especially cause I thought I heard from you that it was your will for me to go up north... I still have faith in that. I know you don't lie and I know I heard you. But I guess your plans will happen later! Thanks for being clear when I wasn't sure how to discern your will. I know you've got the perfect job in mind for me, and I am so grateful for the patience you have given me in waiting for that Job. You have kept me from utter discouragement, and have continued to motivate me in seeking out jobs. You are sharpening my interview and resume skills, keeping my writing skills and knowledge fresh until your job for me comes.
Pay attention to your emotions: Spirit... I can feel you encouraging me as I thank God, you....for my day. I love that I don't need to ask for anything, but merely thank you, and I know you will provide. I can sense your peace in my heart right now, and I know you've got everything under control. I sense your security and know that you will protect me from warfare. I sense you cleansing my heart, removing the estigma's in my spiritual eyes that I have acquired in the past 48 hours since I talked to you last. Thanks...please continue...
Evaluate the day:
You also want me to support curtis and help him feel appreciated and respected...
Any specifics God? or is that just sort of in general?
I feel like you're saying "in general" but that something specific might come up! Hm! Well I will keep my eyes peeled!
Amen!
**well there you have it! An Examen! You know, the hardest part about doing it, is that there is no "requests" portion of the examen. You know how hard it is to JUST do the examen without making requests in the middle? it's pretty hard! I mean, it's not like I don't pray other times in the day, but it seems like when I take the time to get THIS personal with God, I should be alowed to ask for a thing or two! But I've been so blessed since I took up the challenge, just by thanking and appreciating my creator!
You know, when people around us just take time to be with us, appreciate us...and don't have requests, we actually tend to do MORE for them don't we? ...Just food for thought!
If you have actually kept reading till the end of this, then I encourage you to try the 30 day examen challenge! Write out your prayers for 30 days! You can do it! 6 days a week (one day off! Yay! you don't have to talk to God on one day! :P). Trust me, it'll be worth it!
So anyway, it was neat to hear some of those things in plain English. Here's a link to see the 95 Theses (not in contemporary English) if i've sparked your curiosity!
My plan with this blog post, is to share the 30 day challenge with you, and write it out for y'all to see! The thirty day challenge is a challenge to examine ourselves every day, spending time with God. It's an evaluation of each day with God, and a way to see Him working in your life. Here's how it works!
- Become aware of God's presence (sense the spirit, get in "the zone")
- Review the day with gratitude (thank God for the stuff he did for you yesterday or today-depending which day you are examening-)
- pay attention to your emotions (or invite the spirit in...Be aware of what the spirit is doing in you right now)
- Evaluate the day (like...point by point, go through the entire day and see where God was in everything)
- Now what? (ask God what he want's you to do with what you've just evaluated. Is He putting anything on your heart?
So here I go! I'm just gonna pray it as it comes and write it all down!
Become Aware: God, please meet me here in this moment... speak to my heart and let me feel you in a very present way. God I want to sense you are here, and I want others to see you are rediculousely personal! Help me focus on you right now in this time. Please keep me from being distracted, and guide me as I examen yesterday.
Review the day with gratitude: God, yesterday thanks for giving me a relaxing day while I was sick. Thanks for giving me enough energy to do the tasks that needed to happen. You gave me more creativity to make cards! Thanks! Thanks for somehow giving me energy to apply for Jobs, and for carrying me as I found out that I didn't get the job in Little Grand Rapids... God, thanks for providing our supper and giving us time with our family in the evening! Thanks for giving us a place to relax and spend our evening. I think Curtis would've gone crazy if we were home all evening...after three days off of work... Speaking of which, thanks! I know you will provide for us! And God, I also thank you for the way you gave both Curtis and I patience amidst our exhaustion and sickness to communicate effectively and enhance our marriage. You really do bless us!
And...ya... Well you know i'm a little cheezed off for not getting this job up north. Especially cause I thought I heard from you that it was your will for me to go up north... I still have faith in that. I know you don't lie and I know I heard you. But I guess your plans will happen later! Thanks for being clear when I wasn't sure how to discern your will. I know you've got the perfect job in mind for me, and I am so grateful for the patience you have given me in waiting for that Job. You have kept me from utter discouragement, and have continued to motivate me in seeking out jobs. You are sharpening my interview and resume skills, keeping my writing skills and knowledge fresh until your job for me comes.
Pay attention to your emotions: Spirit... I can feel you encouraging me as I thank God, you....for my day. I love that I don't need to ask for anything, but merely thank you, and I know you will provide. I can sense your peace in my heart right now, and I know you've got everything under control. I sense your security and know that you will protect me from warfare. I sense you cleansing my heart, removing the estigma's in my spiritual eyes that I have acquired in the past 48 hours since I talked to you last. Thanks...please continue...
Evaluate the day:
- God made it so I didn't have any commitments while I am sick
- He gave me enough energy for my tasks despite being sick
- God blessed me with creativity in my card making
- God motivated me to apply for jobs
- He comforted me in finding out I didn't get a specific job
- God provided supper for us when neither of us was up to cooking
- He gave us a relaxing evening with the harders who were also quite tired
- God guided my conversation with my husband in a way that lead to blessing our marriage instead of hurting it.
You also want me to support curtis and help him feel appreciated and respected...
Any specifics God? or is that just sort of in general?
I feel like you're saying "in general" but that something specific might come up! Hm! Well I will keep my eyes peeled!
Amen!
**well there you have it! An Examen! You know, the hardest part about doing it, is that there is no "requests" portion of the examen. You know how hard it is to JUST do the examen without making requests in the middle? it's pretty hard! I mean, it's not like I don't pray other times in the day, but it seems like when I take the time to get THIS personal with God, I should be alowed to ask for a thing or two! But I've been so blessed since I took up the challenge, just by thanking and appreciating my creator!
You know, when people around us just take time to be with us, appreciate us...and don't have requests, we actually tend to do MORE for them don't we? ...Just food for thought!
If you have actually kept reading till the end of this, then I encourage you to try the 30 day examen challenge! Write out your prayers for 30 days! You can do it! 6 days a week (one day off! Yay! you don't have to talk to God on one day! :P). Trust me, it'll be worth it!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)