God... What a crappy detox this has been... I think it's interesting to see how unhealthy I am without my asthma meds which are being detoxed from my system... What an example of how helpless I am without you... Please give me strength and health as I try and complete this detox! It's getting so hard with this lack-of-breathing... oh the gift of air...what a blessing it is... please give me patience and perseverance... I know I shouldn't be asking, but I have to...
God, please meet me here... I want to meet iwth you... I know you have been working in my life lately! I know you're the one motivating me to do this husband encouragement challenge. You're the one motivating me to do this 30 day prayer challenge... I feel as though you are sharpening me... I'm such a crappy kid of yours God... How many times must you sharpen me for me to just go and ware myself out again... God I so desparately want to just be sold out to you... I wish I could do that easier... easy...hah! Nothing is easy with you! That's a good thing I guess eh? Its a rough battle to build muscle and it's just as rough to build spiritual muscle... lol It's like a weight loss plan where the person is like "No one told me this would take work!!! I had enough money for the plan, isn't that enough!?!" Except with you, it's "no one told me how hard it would be to actually be sold-out to you! Isn't praying for it good enough!?"
...man...God...you see right through that don't you...you expose my lies...my hipocracies... you know where my heart actually is, and yet you love me. It doesn't make sense... I crucify you over and over again and you just keep coming back to marry your murderer... why are you so in love with your murderer Jesus!?! WHY!? The conviction is almost too much for me! Once was already pretty astounding...but EVERY DAY I KILL you! And every day you come back to me with loving open arms!
You know... I complain to you about how marriage is bad for the heart sometimes... as if my heartache is even comparable to yours... you married me and I consciously choose to walk away from you almost every day... Why God? Why do you love me? what is so special about me? Absolutely nothing!
I don't know what to do with that... Well...intellectually I do... I know that I need to accept your grace and serve you as a humble and un-worthy child of yours, proclaiming your praises... But in reality i'm just at a place of dis-belief! I believe, but It's so un-believable how much you love me, how much grace you have for me!
You use me to encourage people...to DISCIPLE people! Who am I to represent you!? Who is your murderer to represent you?
But I guess you did it with Paul didn't you... what a dink he was... I can't believe you took him either... It's a good thing I don't have your job, or you'd probably have ran out of lightning bolts before Sodom and Gomorrah!
....I want to serve you... But I just can't comprehend your grace enough to accept it right now... How can I be so flawed and be so incredibly used by such a perfect loving God? It doesn't make sense to me! God! What the heck is wrong with you!?!? Theology can't explain you! Great speakers can't even begin to describe you! No painting will ever capture your beauty! Even the greatest of all your creations on earth cannot begin to describe who you really are! It just blows my mind!
What the heck is a haemoglobin and how on earth did you just sculpt a person!? how did you just SPEAK oceans of creatures into existence? You made my garlic sprout and now you're making it multiply! you make huge plants that can heal people, from a sand-sized seed! You already know all kinds of herbal remedies that we haven't discovered... and you don't need ANY of them to heal someone! God...you are... well, you are GOD! That's all their is to it!
"Who am I, that you are mindful of me"...
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