Last night as I sat in Starbucks all alone on date night (could be my fault or ours or his... Who knows), I wrote out some prayers to God. I was at rock bottom. I couldn't even promise him my full surrender my attention or any kind of commitment because I was fully aware of how utterly useless and in-capable I am. This wasn't just what some would consider spiritual humility... I felt like I had no value or worth, no purpose, like the mere sight of me was offensive to those around me, and like I am just a weight on everyone's shoulders... I didn't hear much from God that night. He lead me to a few good passages in Lamentations and psalms.
Today Kayla invited me to Harvest (her church) where they were doing an all-worship service. This was much different from a riverwood worship night, let me tell you. 3 or 4 electric guitars, drums in a full blown 360 degree cage with a lid, too many monitors messing up the house balance (I married a sound man), barely able to hear vocalists to know what we were supposed to sing, and multiple moments of mic feedback....
The church they were in they were borrowing from another church (clearly an older congregation) which is why the service started at 1:30-1:45 instead of in the morning. The pews were crammed, the misc. 90's worship-themed nick nacks on the walls were un-coordinated and strangely placed...
But God was there...
Riverwood has been doing some sermons about "it". Some people have "it" and some people don't. Todd seems to be saying riverwood had it and has lost it. But this Sunday it almost sounded like he thinks we can BUILD "it"... "It" can't be built...
Harvest has "it" and I know I am not the only riverwoodian who has seen this...
Anyway, during the worship, God finally spoke to me on my issues. And you know what? It wasn't what I expected. As I was looking around, I saw someone writing out a prophetic poem to be read aloud later. In my mind I was exalting this gift of prophecy in this fella, when the Holy Spirit chimed in "why? He's just my scribe."
Good point spirit... Do we know anything about Paul's scribes? What about john? Or king David's scribes? Nope, no one cares... What about the messengers that brought letters to the Galatians and Ephesians for Paul? Well some of them were also teachers, but some letters just delivered, were done so by simple messengers... People long forgotten or never acknowledged in the first place. Then God began to speak and put me in my place, commanding me to be content in my humble lowly place right now, because truly that is all I am genuinely worth. Absolutely nothing. I AM a useless burden... But God has grace enough to allow me to serve him...
I realize this may sound negative and like a bondage type experience but it was incredibly freeing. You see, no one thinks worse of me than I do, and God is allowing me to accept these thoughts as the ugly truth of things, and to then realize my place. Then I can freely serve him because truly I am dead. There is nothing glorious about me at all. I was then honoured to even be able to SERVE God!
And you know what? Then I am free to do whatever he calls me to... Because who is held accountable for the words in a letter? The scribe or the author? The writer and recipient, or delivery person? Do you get mad at the mail man for delivering your MasterCard statement? Exactly... So as God's servant:
1) it's not my reputation at stake
2) it's not my job to decide which messages get delivered
3) it's not my job to re-word the message
As a servant it is my job to obey.
It is my job to worship his perfection in the midst of my deadness.
And with that thought, He commanded me to start flagging. Yup! Stand at the front with whispy flags and twirl-em round! I am not quordinated at all, nor do I think I am a particularly pretty image for people to see dancing...but that didn't matter. My master and God commanded me to wave a flag to honor and obey him. To show him glory. How dare I think about myself in that moment besides, I already consider myself dead, so what is there to think about? May as well obey the only master worth having.
...riverwood ought to get flags I think...
