Second day on the job, got my case files! Oh boy... nothing like a day of reading about pedophilia with an 8 year old girl and a 40 year old step-father (ages obviously generalized for confidentiality)... and other stories of beatings... Geez i thought I was ready to read it, but you're never ready for the explicit details as stated by a child. I can see the importance of self-care in this business! I haven't talked to any clients and I already feel like I can see the vicarious trauma creeping towards my future. Oh well! Guess that's my pill to swallow!
I found myself driving around for my lunch hour listening to chvn thinking... God...how can you love and forgive a man like that... a man who rapes a little girl 2-3 times a week, who beats his son and chokes him until blood is coming out of his mouth...who ties a noose around his son's head... how can you love someone like that? Someone who NORMALIZES rape to a little girl...Just rape, then go back to Xbox... no big deal...
And then I am reminded of his grace for me... and as I see things through his eyes, I just see another confused and lost soul. I see a man with a detailed, layered culture and generations of abuse (and no, this isn't an Aboriginal rant...). So much fear and uncertainty in the family. Repetitions of old patterns...
What has happened to make a 13 year old boy sexually harass his 11 year old sister (ages generalized once again)? What has that boy been through? How can that girl ever learn to trust? What goes through a mother's head when she decides not to intervene, or to ignore her son's blue and yellow leg? his bloodshot eyes and purple arm? What goes through a mother's head as she choses to deny her daughter's allegations of sexual abuse?
I think these things as i hear my lovely professor chanting in my head "Inherent dignity and worth!" and I am ashamed of how judgmental I become. I still have to work with these people, and I need to give them the dignity and worth they deserve as human beings. I have to give them the respect the don't deserve (in my opinion).
It's a tricky place to be in... your co-workers are there to support you, but they are all jaded and just think it's funny that you worry, or are over-whelmed...but they would also be concerned if you presented with NO emotions about the cases. So I guess I need to strike some kind of a balance. I need to figure out my own self-care. How do i get it all out? Obviously this is as detailed as I can get on a blog, so this can't be my method of self-care. And it's not like i'm so overwhelmed that I can't stand the thought of going to work tomorrow (Mid $20's an hour is a pretty good reason to go to work tomorrow!). But I don't want to become a jaded worker.
The reason I decided to go into social work, was a grade 3 girl that had been in 5 foster homes in one year....I decided I would be a good social worker. I was going to make a difference. Now I'm here, and I don't want to lose my passion to "giving up" or jadedness or "the system"... (of course if i am too passionate, My supervisor will assign me all the new cases...then i'm over-worked and I don't want that either!).
Right now i've got 10 cases (which is pretty awesome compared to the average 30, which is 5 above the recommended maximum caseload). I'm sure that will quickly change, but for now, I think it will be managable.
Did i mention taht I was told in the phone call i would be shadowing for 2 weeks before getting a case-load? And that I will meet briefly with the social worker 1 day, before having my caseload? and my supervisor will also be on holidays next week when I start with my clients!? No no... no stress at all over here! (sarcasm)
Apparently that's one of the easier introductions to the system amongst the people in my unit.
No comments:
Post a Comment