I dropped my baby today...

Okay not really, but just as bad (maybe worse)...

I let him fall off the bed onto the basement floor. This is a taller bed, and a concrete floor. A good three foot drop onto carpeted concrete (not like a fluffy carpet..) with a big bump on his head. I can't believe I let it happen. Now it's 11:30 at night and everyone's in bed and I just need to process things. Most people wouldn't blog about this, since it is a farely shaming experience and there is a lot of fear about judgement... but I am kind of an open book, and quite frankly I don't think any of you could possibly judge me as much as I am judging myself right now. So bring it on, judge away, I don't really care.

Josiah has been getting more and more mobile every day it seems the last two weeks. Yesterday I sat him down in the middle of the bed, turned around to grab my pumping gear and he was on his stomach RIGHT at the edge of the bed! This should have been enough of a wake up call for me you'd think. Close call!

Today was Curtis's "calm before the storm" so-to-speak... Tuesday we are demolishing our house from the main floor up. Curtis says it will be easier and faster to renovate that way rather than trying to save the small parts that will remain the same, and try to work around them. That tedious working combined with trying to tear things out by hand would cost more in labor and time. So Tuesday a big tractor will come and eat my house... (if your free or have little boys, feel free to come by and watch. It's free entertainment. Just e-mail, Facebook or text me for my address).

Anyway! So today was a no-priority day. We started off by actually making it to church (second week in a row!!), lunch at my parents (which was delicious!), and then we went home so Josiah could nap. The plan was I would feed him at 4:00 and then we would go to Frasier's Grove park and take some pictures together before all the chaos starts (and Curtis loses all his hair from stress ;).  Curtis left to go to Rona for a few things, and I proceeded to get ready for Josiah's feed like I usually do. I put Josiah in the very middle of the bed, sitting up. Then I measure out the water for his bottle warmer. I check to make sure he's still sitting happily (which he was), and then I quickly run and grab his bottle from the fridge (a 8 second vacancy max)... Came back, still sitting perfectly. I get his bottle warming, and go fill a small vase with hot water to keep the bottle warm (cause I have a fussy baby like that)... I hear him chatting away.

I am litterally steps outside the bedroom door, when I hear a thump. ... 1, 2 seconds and suddenly crying like I've only heard a few times. I rush in and see him on the floor beside the bed. He was crying like he did when he got an IV. Not his normal crying. It was sort of a grunt/cry that he does when he is in a lot of pain. He looked a bit drowsy too.

Oh my goodness... my world crashed right there...

I called Curtis right away and he agreed I should call 911. The fire dept came first and made sure it was safe for me to pick him up. (I had picked him up to console him, but the 911 lady got me to put him down on the ground again until the emergency workers arrived). When the paramedics came, they checked his vitals and he didn't appear to have a concussion. They advised us to go in because any head injury to such a small child should be checked out. (Josiah was still crying inconsolably this whole time...very unlike him)

I rode in the ambulance and Curtis took our car. Probably a good hour after this whole thing started, Josiah started to calm down in the waiting room, and just have spurts of this painful crying grunting. I did get him fed and myself pumped before we saw a doctor.

Thankfully the doctor didn't seem too concerned. He was concerned about the height of the bed, but said that they are more concerned about 3 feet and up falls. So he was right on the cusp. Because he wasn't presenting with any symptoms (he was his charming self by now), and didn't  seem to be in pain when the doctor pressed on the goose egg on his forehead, they sent us home and said to come back if he changes (gets inconsolable, starts vomiting, unusually drowsy, etc...). I asked about fluid around the brain (cause I'm a paranoid first time mom who reads everyone's facebook posts and articles....) and he said that one jolt shouldn't do that. It's the back-and-forth motion of being shaken that causes a fluid build up around the brain. This was a huge relief to me....

Home we went... He woke up in pain after he went to bed but otherwise has been fine. I gave him a bit of tylenol and he seems to be sleeping okay...

How do I work past this? I don't think I will ever forgive myself.... "being dropped on your head as a baby" is a "thing" for a reason. It's a very serious situation, and it's not dieing in my mind. Every time I re-play the "thud...cry" and rush into the room scenario, I get nauseated with guilt... Have I just caused my child to have brain dammage? Have I changed his life forever? WHY didn't I carry him? why didn't I put him on the floor? Or in his playpen which was RIGHT THERE!!... why? why? why?

How could I have been so stupid!? (my mother-in-law told me "don't call the mother of your child stupid... It was careless, not stupid" and she's right)... hard not to feel stupid though. Especially with the close call yesterday.
 
you know what I would have done if I was my own CFS client? I would have apprehended Josiah I bet... That is what I think of myself right now. Not fit to parent... what kind of mother leaves her baby un-attended on a high-up bed?


I definitely turned to God tonight... Read some Word... did some praying... It's in his hands now. I guess it always was. Hard to imagine God knew this would happen all along, and has this all worked into his plans. That is the only thing that brings me peace in all of this. Knowing that God's will is sovereign over everything. He is bigger than my carelessness. He can heal Josiah if there is any injury, or he can change Josiah forever, because that is part of His plan for Josiah's life...

All I can do is let go,give it to Him, learn my lesson, and be the best mom I can be.

Wake up

All Sons and Daughters concert this Friday. My sister in law invited me to go a while back. Josiah still doesn't really eat for anyone else so it will be an interesting evening... But I am going either way! Haha... I feel guilty... But I can suppress it I think. Don't worry! (Poor Curtis)

Anyway I was thinking I should listen to some of their music before going since its more of a worship event than a concert. 

Lets just say I am not too familiar with them. And this is one of the first songs that is playing while I am in the kitchen putting dishes away

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=PoPWqi0W2DA

Well I am a bit sheltered when it comes to worship. I don't know why I don't play more around the house, but I usually get to church every 2-4 weeks because of Josiah's schedule. 

Oh my word... All that "wake up wake up all you dreamers" Ecclesiastes dry bones business... Gets me every time! I am a dry bone... Lol that's what part of the Body I am right now... A dry bone. Sorry church, I don't have much to throw your way. 

I know God has grace for moms, but why does it seem like some mom's faith is strengthened by becoming a parent, while others struggle? I apparently am really struggling. Call it a spiritual post-partum depression if you want. I can visualize and feel what a want my faith to be. I long and thirst for more of him but can't be bothered to reach out. I am surrounded by spiritual encouragers on every side (people, books, bible, music, apps, nature etc...) but don't utilize any of it. 

And naturally, it affects the rest of me too. I have been very stressed about our family situation lately and kind of bottling it up (especially since it is FAR more stressful for Curtis... What right do I have to feel overwhelmed?). 

It affects how much patience I have for Josiah, and how much intentional quality time I give him. It affects whether I eat healthy or exercise. It affects if the house is clean (or I am clean for that matter)... Lol kinda sounds like regular post-partum a bit... Guess that's not impossible either, but I kinda doubt that because I have generally high spirits despite these things. 

Anyway, Sunday we move back in with Curtis's parents, and October first our house is being demolished from the main floor up... Oh my oh my. It's one of those situations where (even though I have the best possible in-laws for this situation) I think any mom can understand why I am feeling a little stressed... Especially with no specific end in sight. 

 I don't really get to vent though cause given that Curtis is doing all the work on our house on top of running a business, his stress level is a trump card.  He prefers not to talk about stressful things (weird I know;). 

So here I am two days from moving day and not a thing packed... Maybe two or three boxes in the house to pack in. I am just kinda frozen. (And of course Josiah hasn't been sleeping well so neither have I). Man these things move slower with a baby. I am glad I have a week after we move to clear out the house. 

Anyway, prayers would be appreciated. Josiah's eating has been generally better.   I pump while feeding him now so a good feed only takes 20 minutes. He still has some really rough days and that gets me discouraged and aggravated, especially if I haven't slept, but if I look at the past month, things have gotten better overall so I can't really complain. And at least with this whole situation, I will have other people around and a couple extra sets of hands if I need to step away. 

I guess God knows what he's doing. 

From grief to joy

No idea what I am about to write... It's ten after eleven and I need to sterilize dishes so I can go to bed... Naturally that seems like the right time to blog!!

Ever feel like everyone else has things together except you? I kinda feel that way. Not like everyone else is perfect, but like everyone else is leading a respectable honourable life. Like everyone else is living a life of purpose and contribution to the world and I am somehow freeloading. 

I know, I know... I highly doubt this is a rare feeling for a new mom. It seems like everyone I see is helping me out. I love it and appreciate it. It's just hard sometimes not to feel guilty for being always at the receiving end of things. 

Sometimes when I see a mom with a toddler and a baby, my heart races a bit. Yikes! That just seems impossible. I mean, Josiah has his issues (very frustrating at times) but overall has an excellent temperament. And every baby has their issues... I can't imagine parenting a baby AND toddler together. How do you deal with a toddler on that little sleep!? How do you keep that little person growing and learning when I am JUST reaching the stage where I get dressed EVERY day! Wow... Moms of more than one, you have my respect. 

Some of my clients have more of my respect too. If I was going back to CFS my practice would look very different now. It's true that kids change you. 

... One thing no one prepared me for, was for that "instant bonding feeling" that I didn't get. When Josiah was born, I had gone through two days of inductions, plus an emergency c section plus he was taken to nicu. I saw him for 2 minutes then slept all night. (Yes I know, glorious). But in the morning it was like "do we really have a baby?" And then when I could see him, he was all covered in tubes and wires. I could do some skin on skin but not much. And he was far too weak to breastfeed. So it felt more like meeting my nephew or niece at times... (Only this baby is the cutest baby alive). 

Don't get me wrong, I love my son. He changed my world. I don't know what I would do without him, but there's something to be said for grieving the missed experiences... I read about that when we struggled with breastfeeding. You go onto your birth with this plan of how things will work. When things go differently and you lose out on certain expectations, you need to allow yourself time to grieve those losses so you can move on and accept the here and now. 

I grieve the loss of having ANY maternity leave time to relax before Josiah came. 

I grieve the loss of that "nesting" phase I never got to reach. 

I greive the three weeks of awful stressful bed rest, lack of sleep, hospital nightmares we went through

I grieve the four weeks I couldn't give Josiah to incubate inside of me, because my body was too weak... (I will never complain of an over-due baby)

I grieve the losses I talked about above, not even really getting an opportunity to bond with my baby when he was born. I only got to see him upside down in Curtiss arms for 15-20 seconds before they took him away to nicu, then not till the next morning...

I grieve not being able to have a vaginal delivery. I feel like less of a woman sometimes because of it. 

I greive not being able to breastfeed my baby. And I re-live this every time I feed my baby a bottle in public and get looks from other moms (like I am somehow being selfish. They don't know I pump).

I greive not being able to enjoy Josiah's first four months cause they were basically hell for me... So much more lack of sleep because of pumping, and reflux, so much anxiety at every feed. He was so fragile...

It was really only at around six months that I can honestly say "I enjoy having a baby". Feeds are still anxiety provoking and others don't see that part. Even if he has a good feed, my mind is always racing and thinking "I hope he gets enough" and "please please don't throw up this time" (even though my little fatty is doing just fine!). But overall I am starting to really enjoy my boy. He laughs at me and when I feed him his bottle had he looks me in the eyes, I now have a stronger bonding experience than before with him. 

Some days I do absolutely nothing other than care for Josiah. And you know what? That's okay. I deserve it. I am glad to be moving on to this next season of Josiah's life. He is truly a little blessing... Surely he will make a big impact on our world. I am sure he will break stereotypes and expectations just like he did with his entrance into the world.

Kids... Gotta love'em!

This is my father's world.

So my little world is prettymuch captured in this photo. (cute aint he?). I have to admit. When I found out we were having a baby boy a year ago, I was pretty excited and releived. I thought to myself "boys are easier than girls, especially during puberty!"...

This past sunday I listened to a Mark Driscol sermon (cause with Josiah's weird feeding schedule, it doesn't always work for us to go to church, especially since I have to pump with every feed...makes things tricky). Anyway! The sermon was about Mark's upcoming book "the resurgence"... it actually sounds pretty interesting. In this particular sermon, Mark was calling a challenge to all the men as fathers, in a world where men don't have to be men. Many men are just boys, with a man's freedom of choice and speech... which is a very dangerous concept. That wasn't the whole sermon, but that's what stuck out to me.

I don't want to raise a full grown adult boy. I want to raise a man of God. That is a scary thought. In today's society, boys dont need to grow up. In today's feminist society, men don't have a clearly defined role anymore, and it's easy to see why many men struggle even in their own families to be... well, to be the man! The women have become the men. They work, they call the shots, they handle the books, they raise the kids, and then complain to the men that they aren't helping out...

WELL EXCUSE ME BUT WHO IS SUPPOSED TO BE THE HELPER??? I believe God assigned the helping role to women if I am not mistaken. I can't help but feel that the way things are going, is a result of the fall, when God said that A woman's desire will be for her husband (as in, her desire is to lord over him, not like a longing loving desire...). It would seem that woman is winning right now...but it is at the expense of men it would seem...

So many men don't have an identity. It's like "why go to college? women do that now"... why get a career? we'll both work,  and it'll all be fine. And then Men (boys) continue to live like boys, pursuing boy-ish pleasures, and not growing up to be men... Providing for their families, earning the respect of their wives, through their actions, love and servanthood. Being a real father, not just a live-in sperm donor.

I am honestly a bit scared to raise a son in today's world. I don't think all the parenting books in the world could prepare today's christian parents for this one... let alone how to tackle the whole issue of lust, and respecting women in todays world of un-respectable women...

Well, Josiah's awake so this entry is done for now... Just a bit of venting! It's God's world, and I am having faith that he will play a role in the solution to these worries on my heart.

Getting back into things.

I am starting to discipline myself to get into the word more and fellowship more... It's a slow but positive journey so far. It's been tricky with Josiah's feeding issues combined with my (sometimes silly) decision to pump for him, because that keeps us rather isolated. What has been neat is that this week alone, as I have been connecting with God, he has connected me to two other moms who are going through the same thing! It's a nice gesture from God, because sometimes I think I must just be the laziest mom on the planet... Especially when I sense judgement from others about my situation/our lifestyle right now. God has reminded me that this scenario (reflux plus pumping BM every three hrs) is pretty close to impossible, and IS impossible without a lot of assistance (thanks mom) and encouragement. 

As I spend more time with God, he is exposing my life to me... And so I share it with you! I am realizing more and more that I struggle with faith. I like to pray very specific requests... Like "dear god, I would like at least --- number of hrs of sleep tonight". I intentionally avoid praying for God's will cause I don't trust him... So now, I am praying more for his will.... And I kinda hate it but so far he has blessed me!

The other thing I am contemplating are spiritual gifts. The more I age, the more hind-sight I have. And in hindsight, it's pretty clear that I have always been more in tune to the spiritual world than average. My parents would chalk it up to imagination or bad dreams (and I think I would too if I wasn't in my own shoes) but when I look back, I see that things were visions, conversations with God and direct oppression.  Then in my teen years, God directly told me I was a profit (but I quickly learned everyone can be... So I just thought I was "unique like everyone else" and dismissed this). Even so, God gave me vision after vision, word after word for people. Prophetic encouragements (way too accurate for people than I should be able to encourage). Sometimes big words, sometimes little. Sometimes seemingly unimportant. But as I see it, I see God preparing me, and making me familiar with his voice and his heart. 

In my college years I learned to suppress this somewhat so as not to appear insane to my not-so-Christian placements and jobs and classmates... But behind closed doors in a house on mountain and salter, with a bunch of recovering folks of all walks of life, God tore my per-conceived notions of him apart. Prophecy was sharpened, there was anointing and hey! Why not throw tongues into the mix? (Silly God... Doesn't he know Mennonites don't believe in fairie tales like that?). 

Here's what I discovered today... (For the second time I admit, but re-discovery is part of grace)... I have a cycle in my intimacy with God. We get close. So close it's like "is that chick schizophrenic" close. Just an on-going conversation in my head with the big guy. He gives me words, encouragements and all of them prophetic, tested and proven. 

... But then the "creep" (AKA satan) steps in as a wolf in Sheeps clothing and tries to sound like God... Casting doubts, and making it all about works and having to prove myself to God and earn my salvation.

The next step in. My cycle is realizing the creep's presence... And my logical safe solution is to shut him out. Shut him and God out all together. Then at least I am not being lead by the creep. (I bury my gift from the master instead of taking a risk and using it)...we all know how that story ends. "Even what he has will be taken from him..."

Well God has placed some wise people in my life and I am making a choice today for His will. I won't shut out the spiritual world. I will trust him to take care of his sheep, guide, correct and teach me. It's okay if I look crazy to some, because the amount of good God can do far outweighs that...

Trying to get healthier, in more ways than one

So a couple things... Well a bunch really, that I have come to realize since bring a mom

1) I am a very selfish person

2) I love food way too much

3) I suck at Christianity 

4) kids are a lot of work (at least the cute ones are)

1) ... It's coming out more now it seems because with the sheer exhaustion of motherhood, there's no burying your bad personality traits. They just come full force. One of the biggest ways I am selfish is about sleep. If I don't get enough I act like my whole world is caving in around me. I mean, sleep is healthy, but clearly women have survived on no sleep for centuries. I need to get over it!  I am selfish in many other ways. Having your first kid, and making the transition from "it's all about me" to "it's all about this baby" has been very slow and gradual. In fact, I am not 100% there I am embarrassed to say. It's still something I am working on. But being able to admit that this is a problem is already a step in the right direction. I will just keep on working at it. 

2) part of that selfishness is in food. Man, no one prepared me for the ferocious cravings of lactation, or all the emotional eating that accompanies a hard-to-feed baby... (If its a rough feed I deserve a consolation prize... If he pukes, automatic cheat snack time... If he does well then I deserve a reward)... I also love cooking and baking, but that leaves me with a lot of excess food laying around... I want to start seeing food as fuel instead of as my therapist. In fact, God should be my therapist. 

3) I don't seem to trust the big guy anymore after what I have been through. (Not gonna type it out again, go see blog posts from jan/feb if you want to know). And then this reflux thing (which, in my reading and research, has lead to significant suicidal ideation in several moms) plus he just hated latching (which I obviously took personally). The decision to pump after every fees left me with even less sleep, and hey! God couldn't have dispersed these issues among several babies/pregnancies? Come on now!!! So ya... I haven't exactly been reading the bible or prayer journaling. And you know what? That sucks. I am falling apart without him. I have every reason not to trust him and yet I am nothing without him. So this is something I am working on now... I crack open the word at least once a week (mind blowing I know) and a couple times a month hear a sermon (either at church if God allows us sleep and times Josiah's feeds right) or on podcast... Still, I miss real Christian fellowship... Spontaneous prayer outbursts, encouraging rebuke, prophecy...

Anyway, I haven't written in a while and I thought I would update the world. Sorry it isn't more positive, I don't get out much because Josiah is hard to feed out and about (and I have to pump every three waking hrs to keep up my supply... Never again I say...) so I am sure the isolation gets to me too... I don't think it is post partum cause I am also easily encouraged and I don't feel hopeless or depressed. I am just in a frustrating season and I wish it would change soon. 

Tyson Method: Six week Fat Shredder-- Day one

God Thank you for today... Thanks for the opportunity to do this fat shredder, and thanks that we have the means to support doing it. God I thank you that So far Josiah is keeping his food down today, and that he has been allowing us to sleep at night. God, thank you for taking care of us at the hospital the other night, and thank you that Josiah was not sick with something more serious than the flu. Thank you for carrying me, and giving me such a supportive husband who can carry me when I am overwhelmed. And Thank you for two sets of parents who are so supportive and involved in our situation. Clearly your hands are in this more than I realize...
 
Proverbs 16:3
Commit to the Lord whatever you do,
    and he will establish your plans.

Commitment... Commitment is a serious thing to God. Commitment is marriage, it is atonement, it is salvation. Commitment is till death... To commit something to God, means to fully surrender it to his will his plans. You are then married to your commitment. Not worldly marriage, but spiritual sacred marriage...
 
God, I want to Commit this fat shredder journey to you. You say that you will establish our plans when they are committed to you, and so I commit this to you. Please help me to grow and learn strong healthy habits. help my body grow stronger and healthier, and just bless these next six weeks with your provision Lord... 

Day one...
well the workout was ridiculous, and the food was tasty but  hard to stick to the portions... I like to eat much larger portions, even if I don't need it. This will be part of my learning journey.

The Scoop

Well clearly it's been a while since I have written in here! Life has been more hectic than before, and more hectic than I hope I ever have to deal with again in my life... Not that it wasn't worth it of course! Our son Josiah Steven Harder was born at 7:45 PM on January 21 2013.

On the 19'th (Saturday) I was forced to go in for induction, as my 24 hr urine came back with over 4X the amount of protein it had the week previous (went from 0.4 grams to 2.4 grams). This is a very big deal and meant that my kidneys were working very hard, and as a result, were letting important nutrients pass through my body instead of hanging on to them. This is very dangerous for me and my organs, and meant that Josiah had to come out as soon as possible.

So Saturday the 19'th we went into triage at St. B for induction. I had three Cervidels (a little disc they put by the cervix to help it start dilating during inductions). one cirvedel lasts 12 hrs, and they usually only give one, maybe two. My cirvix was very much not ready to have a baby, so they ended up doing three. A day and a half later, (21'st) they decided to try something called "the balloon"...

Now... Let me advise anyone who is pregnant or yet to have children... NEVER EVER get "the balloon!" Don't listen to them when they say it's not painful. It's a friggin' nightmare! In two hr's I went from Closed, posterior cirvix to 3 cm dilated and 50% effaced... (for anyone who has HAD a baby, you know that that is way too fast for that much progress... and believe me, I felt it!). I was dizzy and nauseated and very out of sorts (on top of the contraction pains). As soon as they took out the balloon, I was perfectly fine.

There was some bad stuff that started happening during "The Balloon". Every time I had a contraction, Josiah's heart rate would drop to almost unsafe levels. This is why they only left it in for two hrs. Usually they leave it for 10-12 hrs. When they took it out, Josiah's heart rate went back to a very healthy pattern.

They decided to start me on the Sinto (the drip... forced contraction juice). I got to about level 12, and was managing just fine, barely feeling the contractions at all. However, every time I had a contraction, Josiah's heart rate would dip again. Not as dangerously low, as the contractions were less severe. However, we made the ultimate decision to have a C-section, since it looked like it would ultimately lead there anyway. The Doctor said we could've kept trying and possibly had a normal delivery, however we were running the risk of having an emergency c-section and risking Josiah's health at the same time. It was a bit of a "no brainer" when we put all the pieces together.

So in I went, and out came Josiah! (having a spinal, is one of the weirdest things ever...not feeling anything but pressure is very odd!).

And that was the end of the beginning... The blessings and nightmares were about to start now...

Josiah came out at 5 lbs 2 oz, which is big enough not to need NICU. Initially they weren't going to send him. However, while they were stitching me up, one of the nurses noted he was grunting quite a lot. He ended up going to NICU for assistance with breathing and blood sugar levels. He had to be on a little forced air machine for the first 24 hrs or so, before he started being able to take in enough oxygen on his own (the timeline is a little hazey, as all the days run together a bit). Poor little guy was hooked up to so many wires and monitors and machines. A little IV in his tiny hand...

During his time in NICU, I was desperately trying to pump and express milk so he wouldn't end up on the "Evil nasty formula". In the end, my milk wasn't coming in as fast as he needed the calories, so we decided to give him formula. This was probably the best decision we could have made for him. Being that he was 36 weeks, but assessed as more of a 34 week developmental level (due to the placenta being too small), he required extra calories than the average newborn to get his strength up.

By the end of day two, close to midnight, they brought Josiah to our room! We had very little notice and very little sleep, so that was a sleepless night for us (but a happy one of course.

In the morning, we were preparing to go, since the Doctors told us we would likely be discharged. I was having some issues breathing (shortness of breath and a bit of chest pain with inhalation and exhalation), since the doctors cut all my Blood pressure medications off. The resident assessed me and basically did nothing, and told me to take my asthma puffers more. (my concern was that my blood pressures were still high, and I had a scare of fluid in my lungs earlier in the pregnancy due to high blood pressure).

Right before they released us, the pediatrician decided to do one final Bilirubin test (a test for Jaundice). The test came back and Josiah's jaundice was at a dangerously high level. He should've been re-admitted to NICU it was so high, however their NICU was full, and so they brought the blue light treatment equipment into our room. This was devastating to us for several reasons.
1) we thought we were going home, and now we weren't
2) we are first time parents, and were worried out of our minds.
3) Jaundice is related to how well some of his vital organs are booting up, so the fear of something fatal loomed in our minds
4) he wasn't eating as well, and we were worrying he was getting worse.
5) we were running on 48 hrs no sleep, starting day 3 of no sleep (and I mean none at all)

Curtis and I have never been so worried and upset. Curtis lost his appetite (believe it or not), I couldn't stop crying at all (stupid hormones), and my lungs kept getting worse. I was now wheezy and every inhalation was painful. But the doctor chose to discharge me anyway, with a blood pressure of 168/103... Interestingly, they never recorded my final blood pressure (says my public health nurse).  Once discharged, there was nothing the medical staff could do for me. They were only caring for Josiah, and we were there solely as his parents.

Josiah was tested probably 8-9 times for Bilirubin counts. They poked his little foot so many times. I had to leave the room, because I would get so worked up when he started crying. (In the NICU, his oxygen levels would go down below 85% when he was crying, so I was always worried when he got upset). His little feet look like a porcupine got at them now.

At first, his Bilirubin went up by a couple numbers, but then slowly started to drop, and eventually plateaued at a safe level. Josiah was on the blue light therapy for about 24 hrs. They took him off of it the next morning, while I was in emerg... OH YES! THE STORY DOESN'T END HERE!!

So we are running now on... what is it 3 days no sleep at all? perfect. My lungs were still getting worse, and I ended up going to Obstetrical triage to try and get re-admitted. They wouldn't take me, and sent me to emergency instead. (The nurses on our ward actually filed a formal complaint against Obs. Triage for this as this was definitely a post-postpartum issue, and Emergency is full of dangerous viruses that I shouldn't be exposed to right now).

Anyway, I spent 9-4 in Emergency with no food, water, sleep or baby. Curtis texted me around 10:30 to let me know that Josiah had been taken off the blue light machine. By now my milk had come in and I had missed two feedings. So Josiah was getting formula when he could;ve been getting breast milk...

I ended up having a really bad anxiety attack. My blood pressure sky-rocketed to 203/116. They changed up my asthma puffers, and whacked me full of blood pressure medications (more meds than I was on in pregnancy). They wouldn't let me leave Emergency till my blood pressure dropped, but quite honestly, I knew my pressure wouldn't drop until I saw my baby, and could pump and do some skin-to-skin. This was one of the worst moments in my life. In this moment, I felt like Job. I genuinely wanted to curse God and see if it would make things any better. The previous day with the Jaundice situation had already taken EVERYTHING I had. I was running on less than Zero. I had No stamina, no faith left, no energy, no tact... nothing... There were moments I wanted to end it all. I actually wanted to just kill myself because I was such a wreck from lack of sleep, hormones and the whole situation.

Anyway, we had one of the best health care aids at the time and she brought down a breast pump and Josiah. Curtis came down too (he was upstairs caring for Josiah this whole time), and we made a little bit of "feng shue" so I could calm down enough to go back up to the ward.

Up we went...
I ended up having to be on Lorazepam in order to get sleep. Two nights and one afternoon dose later, many blood pressure medications later and more poking of Josiah's little foot, and we were eventually able to come home Monday January 28'th at around 8 PM.

 Sleepless and exhausted, I was very nervous to take our little guy home... Nervous that we won't parent right, nervous that I will miss something. Nervous cause he is so fragile and barely eats his requirements... so many unknowns, so many worries, but I guess that's what parenting is...

We have been home two days now, and honestly, the whole newborn sleeping pattern is a breeze compared to what we went through. I am getting more sleep now than I have in the past 2 1/2 weeks. It's funny when people try and pretend they understand what we went through... as if it is just a typical new parent experience. "oh just wait" they say.... hah... Some people.. .I'm still a little bit off of course, but some people I just want to smack up-side the head... they have no idea...

Then there are others of you who bring me to tears, with all of your prayer support and encouraging e-mails and messages and texts. I haven't replied to many of them, but know that they all touched us, and were well received. We cannot thank you all enough for your prayers and supports through this difficult Journey.

It's not over of course. Josiah is still very fragile, and we have to be extremely cautious about who see's him. Anyone who has been sick or has ill family members cannot see him, and has to wait a week after recovery, in order to ensure Josiah isn't exposed to more than he needs to be. Curtis and I have to get some vaccines in order that we don't bring certain bugs into the home as well.

So please be patient, as we both want to just show off our little man to the world, but need to do so very slowly and cautiously. So far, only our parents have met him. We have to introduce him to his aunts and uncles yet, and then we would love to have people over.

We are open to supports from people, including prayer, meals, laundry, diapers etc...  My c-section has been the least of our concerns, but still has a recovery period. I can't do stairs, and I still have to take it easy till my blood pressure goes back to normal.

Anyway, this has been quite long enough! Hope this helps keep you all updated!

35 and 6 today

That's thirty five weeks and 6 days for those wondering about the title. That means tomorrow we are officially considered "term" by medical professionals. If we can hold things off a few days longer, it is highly likely that baby will not need to spend any/much time in the NICU which means we would be guarentee'd to deliver at St. B! (their NICU is pretty full, and over-flow of preemie deliveries go to HSC women's)

If my pressures stay stable this evening (my lunch reading was higher than normal for this week), then it will be a full week since I've had to go into triage for a BP spike! Wow! It's a miracle! If that's the case, I can also hopefully use that as leverage with my doctor, as grounds for not inducing me tomorrow.

My doctor had me complete a 24 hour urine test Thursday-Friday to test for protein in my urine (if there is protein in the urine it means your kidneys are working a lot harder than they have to, and they are accidentally allowing nutrients to filter out of the body that should otherwise stay.)  In response they also test the protein levels in my blood as well as all kinds of other kidney and liver functioning levels. I did that blood work this morning. So far, my blood work has remained in a stable zone throughout the past three weeks (hard to believe it's only been 3 weeks sometimes), but my Protein has slowly been creeping up in the urine. Depending on these blood and urine results we may have to be induced tomorrow. So please pray that these results come back acceptably.

We would, of course, like to shoot for 37 weeks because that's even better, and closer to not being a "preemie", however I think it will take a lot of convincing and advocacy on our part to make it past tomorrow with our doctor, just because of how suddenly and severely my BP symptoms came on, back in December. If I have another spike in my BP it could be extremely serious (to my health, not the baby's. Baby is still peachy keen).I could potentially seizure, or experience kidney or liver failure. ...so... ya... that's pretty serious I guess. 

On the bright side, either way at this point, our baby will be born after 36 weeks and that is 100% an answer to ours and your prayers. We thank you so much! We ask that you continue lifting us up in prayer over  the next few days as our doctor decides what is best. Please pray for wisdom for our doctor, in knowing how to handle this coming week (weather to induce, let us wait, up my meds etc...). The "easy" solution for the doctor right now would be to induce, and that would be the grounds on which we would potentially challenge her call. So please pray for wisdom and discernment for us as well to know when to accept the doctor's decision and when to push back a bit harder.

The other thing that has been going on, is that this past Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday nights, I got little-to-no sleep (2-4 hrs broken apart). I know, I know what you're thinking "pregnancy insomnia"... I can guarantee you this was different. zero sleep, my body absolutely exhausted and not functioning, but refusing to even nap during the day yesterday... I was at the point where I was ready to call the doctor and say "GET THIS KID OUTTA ME NOW!!" We've been praying about this every night and I know some of you have been praying for this as well. I started to get pretty cynical with God... I still don't understand what purpose he could have had for the hell that this brought to me (i highly doubt hell could be much worse than what I was experiencing with the lack of sleep, blood pressure, bed rest, nurses coming every day etc... then curtis said "well in hell, you'd probably have to go through all that at -40 degrees or something"... he's right I guess, it COULD be worse...). Either way, I was angry at God prettymuch every night from about 1 AM-5 AM... Then yesterday when I couldn't even nap, I was VERY frustrated. My nurses and Doula suspect that this has more to do with my medication's side effects than with regular insomnia... and TRUST ME I tried everything... (your suggestions will only frustrate me at this point, because I have tried them all...)

I did manage to get SOME  sleep last night though! Very broken sleep, but I got a bit none the less. I am very thankful to God for this, but still have the un-resolved "why" as to the past three nights... Plus... of all the nights to give me sleep, he picks the one I'm doing a 24 hr urine on!! (your body detoxes more in your sleep.... so mine would be working for 4 nights instead of one i imagine).

So I am genuinely nervous for my urine test results because of the lack-of-sleep...

Otherwise, I think we are actually ready to have a baby now! (as in, we have what we need for the hospital and maybe 2 days at home). We've got some preemie and newborn clothes, diapers, bottles (just in case), borrowing a car seat, a crib, a pump (thanks Bonnie!)... So for the short-term, things are looking good! We continue to receive meals monday-saturday which has been SUCH  a blessing for both of us! It has relieved so much stress, and we want to say thank you to everyone who has helped out with that!!

And I know there are plenty of family and friends who have offered to help with meals as well. We will very likely call on you yet, after baby is born, so hold on to that enthusiasm!!

Anyways, I think that is all for now. This has been a pretty long post as it is.. Thanks for all your prayers and supportive comments! They mean a lot to us! We treasure them and are daily encouraged by your support! Keep it coming for the last few days here! We're in the home stretch!

end in sight

So I had a doctor's appointment today, and things are still going OK.  She is still happy with all my lab results from the weekend, and is sending me for more testing on Friday. (i get to do another lovely 24 hr urine tomorrow-Friday... yay...) at least it's from home this time! After my blood work on Friday, she'll give me a call Saturday. Depending on the results I will either be induced on Saturday (my 36 week mark) or we will wait till my Dr. Appt on Tuesday if things look okay.

We are secretly hoping she will let us get to 37 weeks, but she didn't sound too positive on that. It sounds like she's either thinking this Saturday or Tuesday will be our induction.  On the positive side (not that having a baby is a negative thing in any way), after 36 weeks and a couple days, we are guarenteed to be able to deliver at St. B, because baby may or may not require NICU care!!! That's pretty exciting news! We are still sort-of preparing ourselves for a worst-case scenario, especially since our baby's growth is in the 35'th percentile (on the smaller side of average), but we are praying for God's blessing on the situation.

In other news... I'm having a really rough time sleeping!! if you want to lift that up in prayer it would be appreciated!  I'm getting a bit of a cold, so my nose is stuffed up. the air is too dry to breathe through my mouth, and I keep thinking about how important sleep is for baby and my blood pressure, that I get all anxious about falling asleep (how counter-productive, I know)... Since preggo's can't take sleeping pills, I'm at a loss of what to do (other than drink some warm milk). My Dr. Says insomnia is pretty normal at this stage of the pregnancy, so i'm not horribly worried, and at least I have all day to do absolutely nothing, if I don't sleep. Still though... two nights in a row being up till 4 AM then 2:30 AM when I tried to fall asleep at 10:30, is quite frustrating.  Lack of sleep can increase blood pressure from my research, so i'm a bit anxious about the whole situation as a result of that.

Anyway, we will just keep taking things one day at a time! I've had two antinatal nurses tell me now, that parenting will actually feel easier than what I've been dealing with! haha we shall see. It's definately an encouragement though, that the future looks brighter than the present.

Thanks for all your continued prayers and support! We really appreciate it all, and DEFINITELY would not have made it this far without you! Please continue praying! We've got a count-down to Saturday now! 3 more sleeps till we're in the safe-zone! ,Please keep praying though. Every day is it's own day. Last night at supper my pressure was almost too high (like I almost had to go into hospital), so we are far from "in the clear". Every day is it's own battle. Every day is another victory and another step closer to the 36 week mark! Thanks again!

A prayer

God, I'm glad you're responsible for this situation and not us. More and more i see how weak I am, how little i can tolerate, ow little faith and loyalty I really have... Even toward you... Forgive me God, I'm sorry for my weak spirit... My distracted nature and my desire to worship anything but you. God I want to only worship you. I don't want to worship this situation, this child or my husband. I want my worship to be yours alone. You are the only one who deserves it.

Jesus.... As I read your life, I am perplexed, astounded, grateful, in awe and full of questions... I don't know how to be like you at all, but I want to. Please be a patient teacher with me, and a hands-on, very involved instructor. Speak to me. Be my discernment and strength until... well... like I'll ever be strong enough really. But build me up for the life to come, so I can best serve you.

Man...this has been a long time in coming. Sorry for running Jesus, sorry ... so sorry... please give us a clean slate (you and me)... My first love, I am sorry... I'm sorry it takes such furstrating circumstances to draw me back. I'm sorry I require so many of your children's prayers to draw me back to you.

Please teach me to love you again. Teach me to worship. Teach me to... ugh... to serve. Teach me...humility. I know serving and humility will not go down easy, but please work gently with me.

With love,

Krysta

day by day

Well it's been a bit of a crazy ride.
Thursday I was doing pretty good with my blood pressure. I had an appointment with Dr. Ring, and things were doing the same as they had been the past week and a half, alright but still day by day. Dr. Ring still seemed confident we'd make it to 36 weeks, but less confident we could get to 37 for sure.

By the evening, my blood pressure readings were still alright (and by "alright I mean 142/93 when 150/100 forces me to go to triage). I went to bed at 10, and from 10-2 AM every time I was almost asleep I would wake up gasping for air. My breathing was extremely shallow and when I would get tired and into that sort-of reflex breathing we do when we sleep, I clearly wasn't getting enough oxygen...

Frustrated, I called the Dr on call who advised that I needed to go into the hospital. When I called St. B to let them know I was coming, they advised me that their NICU was full and I would have to attend HSC women's just incase they were forced to induce me...

So off we went to Womens! I gotta say, St. B's Triage is way better organized, not to mention cleaned more often... We were there till about 5 AM when I sent curtis home cause they said it would be at least another 3 hrs to get a chest X-ray done. So Curtis left and I got the chest X-ray which showed that I had some fluid in my lungs. They decided to admit me, but admitted me to St. Boniface since that's where I intend to deliver.

By the time I got to St. B it was about 10 AM on Friday morning. I spent the last two days and nights in St. B, sharing a room with a woman who recently immigrated from somewhere in africa. All I know is she speaks no english, and pee's all over the toilet seat!!! (Very annoying to have to put on gloves and dis-infect the seat EVERY time you need to pee)...

While I was in St. B, they changed my meds around. I saw a few Dr's and everyone seems to have their own idea about what to do. My Dr. Popped in too and started to go over the benefits of delivering a more pre-mature (but healthy) baby now, vs, a more mature but sickly baby later... Then I saw the Dr. On call who seemed to want to induce me, but said they would have to do that at HSC since the NICU is full at St. B. I pleaded with her cause after my triage visit, i really didn't want to go back to Womens (Not to mention the likelihood of running into clients while there). She was compliant and said that it would be based on my bloodwork and 24 hr urine sample.

The bloodwork came back normal (they check enzymes in your kidney and liver to see if they are elevated/working harder). The urine came back higher in protien, but on the lower end of elevated. The Dr on call said she expected this, given the fluid in my lungs. She says with high blood pressure, your blood vessles lose protien and leak fluid. This is what causes a person to swell. This fluid can leak anywhere including the lungs. So given that there was fluid there, she was expectant that there would be protien showing up.

After these results, I waited anxiousely for about 24 hrs, praying and waiting impatiently... no one really gave me an explanation. I was being lead to believe I'd be in the hospital till i would be induced now, but then suddenly this morning, a nurse came in and announced I would be discharged this afternoon! No real explanation... I guess my bloodwork was good, urine was within an acceptable range, and my pressures were steadily lower (140's/80's) since they changed my meds around (cut this, added that... it's a whole cocktail now).

I'm 35 weeks and one day. If I can make it till next Saturday I will be doing good! I'd still like to try for 37 weeks, but I'm not sure if they will even let me get there. Even getting to this saturday could be a challenge. It's day by day, and we need your prayers now more than ever.

Any little symptom could mean my body is starting to shut down under the strain of my blood pressure, and they will induce immediately. There will be very little give-and-take at this point, and more-or-less they will just get the baby out. Please pray  that God will continue to keep my body stable and allow this baby to keep growing.

Whether baby comes now or in a week, he will end up having a stay in the NICU. buying some time may mean we can deliver at St. B instead of Women's, and that he would have to spend less time in the NICU, and his lungs will be stronger. That is the main concern (lung development) at this point. If he were born today, he would still be a very healthy boy after some time in the NICU.

Well it's been an eventful few days.  My last trip to St. B ended up with me on max doses of both my meds. My pressures yesterday were surprisingly good!  The only problem was that i would wake up from my naps feeling winded. Last night i tried to sleep for 4 hrs, but every time i was almost asleep i would start gasping for air. St. B instructed me to go to HSC women's because St. B's NICU was too full if i had to be induced.  Man... I am glad we went with St. B...

The summary is that they found fluid in my lungs which they believe is related to the Blood pressure. They admitted me and sent me back to

St.   B. here i am, and still haven't slept.

Baby is doing good though and my blood pressure is still behaving.

They are tweaking my meds (cutting lebatolol in half and adding some hydralozine).  They expect this to help the lungs out.

We're not sure what will all happen but i am definately in for another. Night, maybe more.  Now that my body is being affected by the blood pressure, they are far more likely to induce me pre-term (before

36 weeks).  I only have 8 days till 36 weeks and i am hoping they will hold on with me for that time.

Please keep us both in your prayers, especially curtis, with work and back-and-forth trips to the hospital.

Thanks!

back in we go

I just thought I'd write a quick blog entry in case I get admitted and don't provide an update for a few days.

The past couple of days my pressure has been hovering pretty high, and doesn't seem to be responding well to medications. My dose of Lebatolol was maxed (400mg  4X a day) this afternoon, but my supper reading was still 147/102, and now I have to go into the hospital.

We're not sure what will happen. We are hoping they just run their tests, and monitor baby for a while and let us go home, but we can't be sure. At this point my meds are so close to the maximum dosages that anything could happen.

Before this is all over, I will likely end up admitted to the hospital for observation until induction occurs. We are just buying time at this point.

Please keep us in your prayers, as this is a frustrating and tiring situation for both of us. We know God's already got this all worked out in his plans, so we aren't afraid of what will happen, but we are just frustrated with the unknowns. Sometimes it is hard to keep having faith that God loves our little man more than we do, and is looking out for him. we KNOW this to be true, but doubt has it's way of creeping in.

Fetal Assessment

The last few days have been more un-eventful and good! Curtis and I discovered that if he takes my blood pressure, then it ends up being lower. this is because I work myself up when I do it myself, and it ends up reading falsely high due to my anxiety. My pressures have stayed in the appropriate range, since we discovered this, and this will be our second full day of no hospital visit (for high blood pressure that is... I DID have a fetal assessment today).

When I say reasonable, the bottom number is still in the 90's, so  we're not down to a normal blood pressure reading or anything, just enough to keep me out of the hospital. Right now, I'll take what I can get!

Yesterday we had a meeting with our Doula. I am glad we have her on board, she will be good at preparing us for our induced labor (and how it will be different from a natural labor), and explaining everything that will be going on. She'll help us know what we can question, what rights we have, what choices we have with our little preemie etc... It relieves a lot of anxiety knowing we have an advocate on our side. It also gives us back a sense of control in a bit of a helpless situation.

Today we had our second fetal assessment! There are two pictures below. The first is from last Monday's assessment, and is a shot with baby's face (he kind of has his arm across his right eye, like he's trying to cover his face). The second picture is from today and is a nice close up of his face. Same situation. It looks like a shadow but he likes to put his arms across his face (He's saying "no pictures please!").  Both fetal assessments indicated that he is healthy and doing well!

Again we say thanks for all the prayers, and we continue to ask for continued prayers as things are starting to stabilize! We aren't out of the danger zone, and we hope you will keep praying with us even though things are looking better now! We still have a few weeks to go, and your prayers are very important in carrying us through that.

I've had people asking if there are other ways they can support us. At this time our care group and church meals ministry is providing us with meals 6 days a week, so that part is covered. I am also not open to visitors at this time because it raises my blood pressure to have company over. It doesn't really matter who it is, even family can do that. It's nothing personal, it's just a game I have to play for the next few weeks. Once we have our little bundle of joy, we'll still need support (and we still won't be prepared or have things together, since I can't do any running around) so I invite visitors at that time! Plus, then there will be someone cute to look at.

I've also had people calling and e-mailing to check in, requesting personal responses back. I appologize if I don't respond, but this is why I started this blog. As you can imagine, both Curtis and I are very exhausted these days, and don't have the energy to keep up with everyone's inqureys.  I am re-directing people to this blog as it is an easy way for me to keep everyone updated at once! We love and appreciate all the concerns and inquireys, and I hope no one is offended by a lack-of-response or by these comments! I'd love to respond to every phone call and text, but right now I just need to be relaxing. And again, the most important thing people can be doing for us is prayer. We can feel the effects of this, and it is an incomparable support during this situation.

Thanks again for all the prayers and concerns!

Spiritual perspective

Well, after yesterday's post I took my blood pressure and ended up having to go to the hospital... We were there till 4:00 in the morning, which was not fun. The doctor increased my Adelat to another 30 mg dose in the evening. This will be a good thing in my opinion actually. Adelat is a long-acting drug. It takes a few days to see any change, but the effects are more stable. The other drug (lebatolol) is like the tylenol of blood pressure medications. Fast acting and wears off at different rates for different people. I personally don't think the Lebatolol does much for me, considering how high a dose I'm on. The Adelat however, has changed my afternoon readings to being stable and a bit lower.

Now I have a dose of Adelat in the afternoon to help carry me through the evening. I've learned (through hospital visits) that my pressure goes down in the wee hours of the morning on it's own, so as long as I can control it for the supper/evening readings, I'll be doing alright.

Correction though. I can't control it. God can.

Today pastor Duane and his wife Patricia from Riverwood Church came to our home to lay hands on us and pray with us. It was a very touching moment. Both Curtis and I realized how much we needed that, and how much our home needed it. It's hard sometimes to  remember to fill our home with prayer, even at the best of times. But it does make a difference. My Blood Pressure readings were still initally higher afterwords, but the difference was a sense of peace about the situation, because God already knows everything that will be happening with my body, with this baby etc...

Patricia also gave me a word: "the joy of the Lord will be your strength"... It was an interesting thing to say, and to some, it may just sound "fluffy", but there's more to it. This morning the devotion I read was about doing everything for God's glory and what that means. God's been giving me a bit of a theme today with this. So now I have moments where I ask God to give me his joy... Then I'm filled with this sense of peace. I think about  the completion of Christ's plan, God's joy and delight when people turn to him or praise him or spend time with him, the freedom and victory we have in Christ over the evil one (or "the creep" as they call him in women's ministry).

It was an interesting word to receive in this time, but it does bring me peace. It didn't work to take down my blood pressure, but even so, If I ended up going back in, it would be with more peace, and faith in God's plans.

I think I need to be pursuing God more during this time. It's funny, we say we don't have time to do all the spiritual enrichment we'd like to do. well I've had nothing but time for 8 days now, and I've picked up my bible maybe 3 times for a lenth of ... perhaps 5-10 minutes each. Pretty sad. I think sometimes we make up excuses, and that's all their is to it.

Baby is doing well today. Hyper, starting to take up more space it feels like... He seems to enjoy bouncing on my bladder quite a bit too!  Our Doula told us not to drink fruit juices cause it makes for big babies... So haha! now I'm adding Orange Juice to my daily routine. Gonna bulk up that baby!!


I decided to do my "bed time" reading earlier in the evening when my meds are more effective, so tonight, I'm for SURE not going to the hospital. What a releif!


Thanks for your continued prayers!

One day at a time

Well I guess I've started something now (letting people know about this blog). I've actually been blogging here for a while, but never took the time to share it. Writing and knowing people are actually reading this is kind of a new concept for me. This is definately the easiest way to try and keep you all informed and updated on our prayer requests and needs. Thanks so much for all your support!

Curtis and I have had some ups and downs over the past couple days. Yesterday my blood pressure started pretty high in the morning. I had a doctor's appointment which means I was up and out of the house. I think this was just enough excitement for my body that it put me over the edge. By my bedtime blood pressure I was 156/108, and I'm supposed to go in at 150/100... So at 10:00, curtis and I got ready to go to the obstetrical triage. We were there till 2:00 this morning. They got me to take my next dose of Labetolol an hour early and it seemed to calm things down. Please pray for Curtis. This was VERY hard on him as he had to be at work for 7:30 the next morning (i'm forcing him to take a nap right now... 2 hrs 20 minutes so far!).

The fun part was, now that this was my 4'th visit, and they do blood work every time I go, my arms are starting to look like little pin cushions. I also had bloodwork at my doctor's appointment... So last evening, the nurses blew both of my veins trying to get blood. 7 pokes in 7 days (4 of those pokes were yesterday). My arms hurt and are bruised... Then AFTER they mutilate me, I am informed that I could technically have refuse the blood work.

Now that they have 4 blood tests (all showing in one week that my liver and kidneys are fine), it seems to me like they should lay-off on the stabbing part... but no, apparently the levels they test for, are things that can change in hours with a spike in high blood pressure, not days. When your blood pressure is dangerously high, it can put significant strain on your other organs, and this is why they test every time I come in with a high blood pressure reading. Fortunately for me, my blood work has always come back okay. I thank God for this.

Today I've been laying low, and it's been nice (and boring). I've been on the couch all day, laying down for most of the time. Its a lot easier to do nothing when you only get 3-4 hrs sleep at night... Maybe I need to start staying up late intentionally! (just kidding). Please pray that I can maintain this low level of activity. A day here and there on bed rest seems fine, but the thought of 2-3 more weeks of just laying there not only sounds daunting, but goes against everything I know about being healthy. It's very hard for me (not to mention I have UN-medicated A.D.D. right now!).

I also contacted my church yesterday, and I know the prayer ministry is praying for me. I can feel everyone's prayers, and want to say thank you. They are carrying us in a huge way, and I am sure that your prayers are why I am able to relax. This on-going battle is just starting. I'm 34 weeks tomorrow and I need to get to 36 weeks. That's two more weeks of back-and-forth,  blood pressure monitoring, daily nurse visits, medicinal changes, bed rest (and not to mention a crazy amount of responsibility for curtis). Just because today was a good day doesn't mean tomorrow will be. In fact, we have a church pastor coming over tomorrow to pray over us (I can sense some oppression in this situation), and I suspect that will raise my blood pressure, just having someone else in the house. Phone calls are often enough to raise my blood pressure let alone company.

Don't get me wrong, I love you all, but when my GOOD blood pressure is a 95 and a 100 gets me in the hospital, you can see how little wiggle room I have to work with here... The whole situation is very stressful to deal with on a regular basis. Fortunately I've been behaving today, and God has been working in my body. My pressures have stayed in the mid 130's over 94-96 range all day! Please pray this continues tonight, and into the weekend.


Baby of course, is doing fine. He's kicking  a little bit less, but still kicking more than what the nurses have told me is average (avg is 3 hard kicks an hour, and baby is allowed to have periods of 90 minutes with no activity--sleeping). This baby is rarely still longer than an hr and who knows, really, because I'm usually asleep for part of that hour! He likes to kick and move around. Whenever the nurses put the doppler up to him, he moves about (probably doesn't like the thing), so at least they get a good sense that he's active.

One day at a time,
one prayer at a time,
one pressure at a time...

We'll get through this. God loves us and loves our child. He wants what is best for us, and desires to give good gifts to his children. We have faith that God has a big plan for all of this, and will keep our little boy safe.

Thanks again, for your continued prayers. They are carrying us, and giving us the faith to believe with confidence, what I just wrote.

A Baby update

Boy since the 28'th of December, it seems like life hasn't stopped for even a moment!

For those who missed my last post and aren't sure what has been going on for Curtis and I lately: December 28'th I went to my OBGYN for my regular appointment and my blood pressure was 150/90 (quite high). Long and short, I spent the night in the hospital and ended up on blood pressure medication. I went home and then December 30'th a home-care nurse came to check on me and my Pressure was 152/106 (very very high) and I had to go back into the hospital. I stayed overnight again and they put me on more meds...

So now I'm on a moderately high dose of Blood pressure medication (Adalat 60 Mg once a day, and Labetolol 300 Mg 3X a day). The max dose of Labetolol they can give me is 2400 and right now I'm at 900 so they can pretty much double what I'm on before having to induce me to get baby out.  (that is assuming my kidney's don't crap out first, and baby isn't being affected by my high blood pressure)

The issue is a battle between my body and the baby's placenta. (for any who don't know, the placenta is what feeds the baby, translates my blood and food into the baby's blood and food via the umbilical cord. It looks like a brain, stuck to the uterus wall, and the umbilical cord runs from placenta to baby)  For some reason, baby's placenta is fighting my body causing high blood pressure. The long-and-short of it medically is, the medication will work for a bit, then the placenta will fight back a bit harder, and they'll have to increase my medication. It'll be a back-and-forth that can only ultimately be resolved by getting this baby out.

The problem? I'm only 33 weeks and 4 days. They'd ideally like to wait till at least 36 weeks (a "term" baby). At the severity my body is fighting, it is very unlikely that I will make it that far before they have to take baby out. we're taking it one day at a time right now. If I had gone into this mess at 36 weeks, they would've induced me right away.  The good news is with our medical technology, a baby born even at 28 weeks stands a very strong chance of survival, and our baby, although requiring medical help from the NICU, would likely do well still if he had to be born today.

Our fetal assessment showed him to be roughly 4 pounds (that's give-or-take a full pound they say).  We saw a photograph on the hospital bulletin board of a baby born at 1 lb 12 oz who is now healthy and doing well, so this was encouraging to us.

Today my pressures have been high but not so high I have to go into the hospital (bottom number in the high 80's to mid-high 90's). If my pressure gets to 150/100 I have to go into the hospital, so you can see how stressful it is for me to take my blood pressure 4 times a day!

I DID have to check in at St B last night. So in less than a week I've had 3 hospital trips. This time, fortunately the doctors were granted wisdom (thanks for the prayers) and chose to leave my medications as they are, since one of them (Adalat) is a long-acting drug that requires a few days to fully show itself in my blood pressure.

Curtis and I appreciate all the prayers and support! We ask that you would continue praying, especially pray for wisdom for the doctors, and that God would work a miracle in my body, so this little baby has the best chance at a healthy life he can get.  You can pray for Curtis that he would have the energy and patience needed to care for me, and run his business. He's under a lot of pressure with all this responsibility. I wish I could help him out, but obviously I need to do just-about nothing right now except grow a baby.

Please also pray that God would grant me the self-discipline needed for me to take it easy. I'm pretty close to being on bed-rest (they want me to move around a bit, but nothing more than grabbing a drink, going to the bathroom, changing seats etc...). If I can't keep it under control at home, I'll have to spend the rest of my pregnancy in the hospital (which I REALLY don't want... hate those fluorescent lights...)

Anyway, I'll try my best to keep this blog updated, but my first priority is rest, so if it takes a few days for me to post, rest assured, at least I'm resting! Thanks again for all your prayers, and we appreciate your continued support! We know that God has this situation in his hands. This is God's baby, not ours, and we are prepared to follow God's plan and not our own. We obviously have our own plan for how this should all work out, but if God's plan is different from ours, so-be-it. He knows best. In this knowledge, we continue on with peace in our hearts, and are gracious for the care and healing He is providing to us now.