Trying to get healthier, in more ways than one

So a couple things... Well a bunch really, that I have come to realize since bring a mom

1) I am a very selfish person

2) I love food way too much

3) I suck at Christianity 

4) kids are a lot of work (at least the cute ones are)

1) ... It's coming out more now it seems because with the sheer exhaustion of motherhood, there's no burying your bad personality traits. They just come full force. One of the biggest ways I am selfish is about sleep. If I don't get enough I act like my whole world is caving in around me. I mean, sleep is healthy, but clearly women have survived on no sleep for centuries. I need to get over it!  I am selfish in many other ways. Having your first kid, and making the transition from "it's all about me" to "it's all about this baby" has been very slow and gradual. In fact, I am not 100% there I am embarrassed to say. It's still something I am working on. But being able to admit that this is a problem is already a step in the right direction. I will just keep on working at it. 

2) part of that selfishness is in food. Man, no one prepared me for the ferocious cravings of lactation, or all the emotional eating that accompanies a hard-to-feed baby... (If its a rough feed I deserve a consolation prize... If he pukes, automatic cheat snack time... If he does well then I deserve a reward)... I also love cooking and baking, but that leaves me with a lot of excess food laying around... I want to start seeing food as fuel instead of as my therapist. In fact, God should be my therapist. 

3) I don't seem to trust the big guy anymore after what I have been through. (Not gonna type it out again, go see blog posts from jan/feb if you want to know). And then this reflux thing (which, in my reading and research, has lead to significant suicidal ideation in several moms) plus he just hated latching (which I obviously took personally). The decision to pump after every fees left me with even less sleep, and hey! God couldn't have dispersed these issues among several babies/pregnancies? Come on now!!! So ya... I haven't exactly been reading the bible or prayer journaling. And you know what? That sucks. I am falling apart without him. I have every reason not to trust him and yet I am nothing without him. So this is something I am working on now... I crack open the word at least once a week (mind blowing I know) and a couple times a month hear a sermon (either at church if God allows us sleep and times Josiah's feeds right) or on podcast... Still, I miss real Christian fellowship... Spontaneous prayer outbursts, encouraging rebuke, prophecy...

Anyway, I haven't written in a while and I thought I would update the world. Sorry it isn't more positive, I don't get out much because Josiah is hard to feed out and about (and I have to pump every three waking hrs to keep up my supply... Never again I say...) so I am sure the isolation gets to me too... I don't think it is post partum cause I am also easily encouraged and I don't feel hopeless or depressed. I am just in a frustrating season and I wish it would change soon.