From grief to joy

No idea what I am about to write... It's ten after eleven and I need to sterilize dishes so I can go to bed... Naturally that seems like the right time to blog!!

Ever feel like everyone else has things together except you? I kinda feel that way. Not like everyone else is perfect, but like everyone else is leading a respectable honourable life. Like everyone else is living a life of purpose and contribution to the world and I am somehow freeloading. 

I know, I know... I highly doubt this is a rare feeling for a new mom. It seems like everyone I see is helping me out. I love it and appreciate it. It's just hard sometimes not to feel guilty for being always at the receiving end of things. 

Sometimes when I see a mom with a toddler and a baby, my heart races a bit. Yikes! That just seems impossible. I mean, Josiah has his issues (very frustrating at times) but overall has an excellent temperament. And every baby has their issues... I can't imagine parenting a baby AND toddler together. How do you deal with a toddler on that little sleep!? How do you keep that little person growing and learning when I am JUST reaching the stage where I get dressed EVERY day! Wow... Moms of more than one, you have my respect. 

Some of my clients have more of my respect too. If I was going back to CFS my practice would look very different now. It's true that kids change you. 

... One thing no one prepared me for, was for that "instant bonding feeling" that I didn't get. When Josiah was born, I had gone through two days of inductions, plus an emergency c section plus he was taken to nicu. I saw him for 2 minutes then slept all night. (Yes I know, glorious). But in the morning it was like "do we really have a baby?" And then when I could see him, he was all covered in tubes and wires. I could do some skin on skin but not much. And he was far too weak to breastfeed. So it felt more like meeting my nephew or niece at times... (Only this baby is the cutest baby alive). 

Don't get me wrong, I love my son. He changed my world. I don't know what I would do without him, but there's something to be said for grieving the missed experiences... I read about that when we struggled with breastfeeding. You go onto your birth with this plan of how things will work. When things go differently and you lose out on certain expectations, you need to allow yourself time to grieve those losses so you can move on and accept the here and now. 

I grieve the loss of having ANY maternity leave time to relax before Josiah came. 

I grieve the loss of that "nesting" phase I never got to reach. 

I greive the three weeks of awful stressful bed rest, lack of sleep, hospital nightmares we went through

I grieve the four weeks I couldn't give Josiah to incubate inside of me, because my body was too weak... (I will never complain of an over-due baby)

I grieve the losses I talked about above, not even really getting an opportunity to bond with my baby when he was born. I only got to see him upside down in Curtiss arms for 15-20 seconds before they took him away to nicu, then not till the next morning...

I grieve not being able to have a vaginal delivery. I feel like less of a woman sometimes because of it. 

I greive not being able to breastfeed my baby. And I re-live this every time I feed my baby a bottle in public and get looks from other moms (like I am somehow being selfish. They don't know I pump).

I greive not being able to enjoy Josiah's first four months cause they were basically hell for me... So much more lack of sleep because of pumping, and reflux, so much anxiety at every feed. He was so fragile...

It was really only at around six months that I can honestly say "I enjoy having a baby". Feeds are still anxiety provoking and others don't see that part. Even if he has a good feed, my mind is always racing and thinking "I hope he gets enough" and "please please don't throw up this time" (even though my little fatty is doing just fine!). But overall I am starting to really enjoy my boy. He laughs at me and when I feed him his bottle had he looks me in the eyes, I now have a stronger bonding experience than before with him. 

Some days I do absolutely nothing other than care for Josiah. And you know what? That's okay. I deserve it. I am glad to be moving on to this next season of Josiah's life. He is truly a little blessing... Surely he will make a big impact on our world. I am sure he will break stereotypes and expectations just like he did with his entrance into the world.

Kids... Gotta love'em!