I let him fall off the bed onto the basement floor. This is a taller bed, and a concrete floor. A good three foot drop onto carpeted concrete (not like a fluffy carpet..) with a big bump on his head. I can't believe I let it happen. Now it's 11:30 at night and everyone's in bed and I just need to process things. Most people wouldn't blog about this, since it is a farely shaming experience and there is a lot of fear about judgement... but I am kind of an open book, and quite frankly I don't think any of you could possibly judge me as much as I am judging myself right now. So bring it on, judge away, I don't really care.
Josiah has been getting more and more mobile every day it seems the last two weeks. Yesterday I sat him down in the middle of the bed, turned around to grab my pumping gear and he was on his stomach RIGHT at the edge of the bed! This should have been enough of a wake up call for me you'd think. Close call!
Today was Curtis's "calm before the storm" so-to-speak... Tuesday we are demolishing our house from the main floor up. Curtis says it will be easier and faster to renovate that way rather than trying to save the small parts that will remain the same, and try to work around them. That tedious working combined with trying to tear things out by hand would cost more in labor and time. So Tuesday a big tractor will come and eat my house... (if your free or have little boys, feel free to come by and watch. It's free entertainment. Just e-mail, Facebook or text me for my address).
Anyway! So today was a no-priority day. We started off by actually making it to church (second week in a row!!), lunch at my parents (which was delicious!), and then we went home so Josiah could nap. The plan was I would feed him at 4:00 and then we would go to Frasier's Grove park and take some pictures together before all the chaos starts (and Curtis loses all his hair from stress ;). Curtis left to go to Rona for a few things, and I proceeded to get ready for Josiah's feed like I usually do. I put Josiah in the very middle of the bed, sitting up. Then I measure out the water for his bottle warmer. I check to make sure he's still sitting happily (which he was), and then I quickly run and grab his bottle from the fridge (a 8 second vacancy max)... Came back, still sitting perfectly. I get his bottle warming, and go fill a small vase with hot water to keep the bottle warm (cause I have a fussy baby like that)... I hear him chatting away.
I am litterally steps outside the bedroom door, when I hear a thump. ... 1, 2 seconds and suddenly crying like I've only heard a few times. I rush in and see him on the floor beside the bed. He was crying like he did when he got an IV. Not his normal crying. It was sort of a grunt/cry that he does when he is in a lot of pain. He looked a bit drowsy too.
Oh my goodness... my world crashed right there...
I called Curtis right away and he agreed I should call 911. The fire dept came first and made sure it was safe for me to pick him up. (I had picked him up to console him, but the 911 lady got me to put him down on the ground again until the emergency workers arrived). When the paramedics came, they checked his vitals and he didn't appear to have a concussion. They advised us to go in because any head injury to such a small child should be checked out. (Josiah was still crying inconsolably this whole time...very unlike him)
I rode in the ambulance and Curtis took our car. Probably a good hour after this whole thing started, Josiah started to calm down in the waiting room, and just have spurts of this painful crying grunting. I did get him fed and myself pumped before we saw a doctor.
Thankfully the doctor didn't seem too concerned. He was concerned about the height of the bed, but said that they are more concerned about 3 feet and up falls. So he was right on the cusp. Because he wasn't presenting with any symptoms (he was his charming self by now), and didn't seem to be in pain when the doctor pressed on the goose egg on his forehead, they sent us home and said to come back if he changes (gets inconsolable, starts vomiting, unusually drowsy, etc...). I asked about fluid around the brain (cause I'm a paranoid first time mom who reads everyone's facebook posts and articles....) and he said that one jolt shouldn't do that. It's the back-and-forth motion of being shaken that causes a fluid build up around the brain. This was a huge relief to me....
Home we went... He woke up in pain after he went to bed but otherwise has been fine. I gave him a bit of tylenol and he seems to be sleeping okay...
How do I work past this? I don't think I will ever forgive myself.... "being dropped on your head as a baby" is a "thing" for a reason. It's a very serious situation, and it's not dieing in my mind. Every time I re-play the "thud...cry" and rush into the room scenario, I get nauseated with guilt... Have I just caused my child to have brain dammage? Have I changed his life forever? WHY didn't I carry him? why didn't I put him on the floor? Or in his playpen which was RIGHT THERE!!... why? why? why?
How could I have been so stupid!? (my mother-in-law told me "don't call the mother of your child stupid... It was careless, not stupid" and she's right)... hard not to feel stupid though. Especially with the close call yesterday.
you know what I would have done if I was my own CFS client? I would have apprehended Josiah I bet... That is what I think of myself right now. Not fit to parent... what kind of mother leaves her baby un-attended on a high-up bed?
I definitely turned to God tonight... Read some Word... did some praying... It's in his hands now. I guess it always was. Hard to imagine God knew this would happen all along, and has this all worked into his plans. That is the only thing that brings me peace in all of this. Knowing that God's will is sovereign over everything. He is bigger than my carelessness. He can heal Josiah if there is any injury, or he can change Josiah forever, because that is part of His plan for Josiah's life...
All I can do is let go,give it to Him, learn my lesson, and be the best mom I can be.
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