renewed faith

Mike and Jesse, God wants you to know that He is yearning after your hearts, as a proud father yearns to praise his son, and spend time with him. God  loves you both, and he is proud to see you both serving Him in the ways you are.

Mike, God also see's how you serve Him in the ways no one else see's...

Kayla, God is with you and guiding you. Don't forget that.

Mike B... God says stop running from my grace for you. God appreciates your seeking heart and he knows your heart. He sees your devotion because he put that within you. But God doesn't want you to be afraid to have faith... or to accept His grace for you.

Alyssa, God says "I love you and you are in my will. I am proud of you. You don't have to try to please me, you are blessing me every day, every hour. You serve my precious children Michael and Jayden!"


and to everyone else, God loves you...take time to hear his voice, because He's got a message for you too. You don't need to be an expert or a "good" christian...you don't need profound devotion to hear His voice...I'm no one special (and I don't mean that in the "cauky christian spiritual speaker" way, I mean that in the " I haven't read my bible for several weeks and i've been ignoring God, yet he still loves me" way).

So obviousely that's a really wierd way to start off a blog post. I got my tongues back :) woot!! 
Here's the story:

I plunked myself down on the toilet seat (best place to pray, hands down!) and started to be blunt with God... Like... "God I just have no theology except, forgive me and make me new RIGHT NOW...please..." and "I am confused by your voice and Dont know what to listen to...but i want to follow you... but I hate ALL the voices I am hearing lately... cause they conflict yet sound like you!! I don't want to take any of them seriousely!"

So anyway, i pray and pray in my blunt offensive yet simple and child-like way about the two jobs I am wrestling between... Does God want me to give one up in faith of the other? as a test of my faith? do I take the successful Job and take it as God's provision? or the one with the lesser wage, and take it as my service to God and trust that he will provide for my husband and I? SO CONFUSED!!! So frustrated! So unsure what to do!!!

Then I get the sense that I should go read his word...so I pick up some verses that I printed out a while ago (intending to post them in our appartment...but I haven't gotten around to it yet...) and it reads " Then Jesus Said to his disciples "If any of you wants to be my follower, you must turn from your selfish ways, take up your cross and follow me. If you try to hang on to your life, you will lose it. But if you give up your life for my sake, you will save it. And what do you benefit if you gain the whole world but lose your won soul? is anything worth more than your soul?"... Oh great! That sure helps our situation... next verse reads as follows

"Woe to those who go to great depths to hide their plans from the lord...etc..You turn things upside down as if the potter were thought to be like the clay! Shall what is formed say to Him who ofrmed it "he did no make me'? can the pot say to the potter "he knows notheing"?" --Isaiah 29:15-16

--_Gee god...Am I hiding from you? am i doubting you? oh the conviction, yet amidst complete confusion!!

But after another verse I finaly read In Micah "he has showed you o man what is good. And What does the lord require of you? To act Justly, To love Mercy and to walk Humbly with your God..." Micah 6:8

Then Something clicked... I took that verse, plus what my counselor said "God created us, and so sometimes we are following God, by following our hearts"...sounded new-agey to me at the time, but now it seems that God was speaking in a small way...
God was saying "I want you to choose which one you truly want!" and then I sat, slightly relieved but then...really NOT relieved when I realized, I had NO idea which job I truly wanted!! Wow!

So I sat down and wrote "CFS" on one column and "RWB" on the other...I started making a list of pro's and con's ...each pro was worth a point and i scored them up! The score was CFS 7 RWB 9... Shows you how close it was! So then I started to pray and with confidence, asked God Boldy to give me the RWB job...

Then I began praising God! Oh the victory He will have in this position! overcoming so much of my insecurities and past defeats! My failures! It is truely only by God that I could ever get this job, and In faith, I am praising Him for this victory!

This is when i started rambling in tongues and got those words for you peeps :) anywho, keep praying with me about my interview tomorrow at the Royal Winnipeg Ballet at 3 or 3:30 (can't really remember which time...I wasn't interested when i got the call, so now i'm frantically hunting down the details again)...

thanks!! and Praise God some more for me!

My name is Krysta
And I am beautiful!

I am 142 Lbs
The world says I should Be 115
And I am beautiful

My thighs touch each other most times
and My shoulder-waist-hip measurements don't meet standards
And I am beautiful

I have been married less than 2 years
We argue often
And I am a God-given gift to my husband.

I have been diagnosed with A.D.D.
I take pills so i'm "not crazy"
And I am a Godly, Wise Confidant!

I graduated with my Bachelor of Social Work
...But JUST Barely according to the college
And I am the strongest Advocate I know.

No one has hired me for over 6 months
I dont meet the Booth College "100 percent placement rate"
And I am a success!

I have a giant red zit between my left eye and my nose
and cover-up seems to lose it's name to this one!
And my skin was crafted by the same God that created  Diamonds

I forget to talk to God for weeks
The church says "you should be disciplined if you really love Christ"
And I am a prophetic Warrior and dearly beloved bride of Christ

My name is Krysta,
My skin is white, My eyes are blue
And I often feel like a minority in our multi-cultural society
And I have just as much right to brag about my culture as anyone else!

I am Russian
And Canadian
And Christan

I dont actually want to have children
yet...
And I am a Proverbs 31 woman

I cant paint my nails without going "over the lines"
or read ANY book to the end!
and I have poise and an attentive spirit!

My name is Krysta,
I am over-weight, my thigh's touch, My measurements fail, I argue with my husband...
I have a "disorder", I "barely" graduated, I am unwanted by employers
I have flawed Skin, I dont meet the church's standards for devotion, and I'm a majority race
I am russian and part of a closed-minded faith, and I don't want children...

My name is Krysta!
I am beautiful! I am a God-given gift to my husband, I am Godly and Wise.
I am an advocate and a success. My skin is perfect and I am a warrior.
I am proud to be white and blond and blue eyed!
I am a proverbs 31 woman, and I have poise!

My name is Krysta and I am beautiful...

sigh! A downer post...

So this post will probably sound negative, but I need to vent about all of this and feel like someone might read it lol! At least Alyssa will read it while she's feeding Jadyn! Haha Yay!

It's job related... I'm getting so stinking discouraged!! I've been out of school since August, and graduated since October! This month we start paying off my student loans, which means i'm at the "official" six month mark with no job... after graduating from the college that claims a "100 percent placement rate"... obviously  that is crap...
I have submitted well over 70 resume's had 4-6 social work interviews and 3 non-social work interviews, 20-30 rejection letters... but no job... I'm starting to feel un-employable. Like i'm not worth hiring. Maybe I'm not cut out to work at all!

Even when I was applying for seasonal work, Sears was the only place that called back, and they didn't even keep me on after Christmas. My card business is flopping...

And yet I can't manage to keep our appartment clean or work out regularely or do devotions regularly...  I've been getting sick all winter.

I don't feel like I'm doing anything for God or anyone else, and I'm un-employable, un-healthy, un-tidy, un-fit...I feel like anyone who isn't my closest friend just thinks i'm stupid and crazy, and my self-confidence is absolutely zero right now...

So anyway, if you're reading this, you can pray for me...

Here I go again

it is always ironic, the things I have to teach my sundayschool girls about. This month it's courage; "Do the things you should do, even though you're afraid" cause God is on our side.

Man, God! I feel like a pacifist teaching about how to be a good christian in the army!

It sounds silly but I am very aware that I am scared of becoming all that God want's me to be...scared of my own potential...

God, give me courage to go beyond comfort. Help me let go of this world, of comfort. of "the good life"...Don't let, "losing those things" be my ultimate fear. Re-focus me God...

A strange realization

God... What a crappy detox this has been... I think it's interesting to see how unhealthy I am without my asthma meds which are being detoxed from my system...  What an example of how helpless I am without you... Please give me strength and health as I try and complete this detox! It's getting so hard with this lack-of-breathing... oh the gift of air...what a blessing it is... please give me patience and perseverance... I know I shouldn't be asking, but I have to...

God, please meet me here... I want to meet iwth you... I know you have been working in my life lately! I know you're the one motivating me to do this husband encouragement challenge. You're the one motivating me to do this 30 day prayer challenge... I feel as though you are sharpening me... I'm such a crappy kid of yours God... How many times must you sharpen me for me to just go and ware myself out again... God I so desparately want to just be sold out to you... I wish I could do that easier... easy...hah! Nothing is easy with you! That's a good thing I guess eh? Its a rough battle to build muscle and it's just as rough to build spiritual muscle... lol It's like a weight loss plan where the person is like "No one told me this would take work!!! I had enough money for the plan, isn't that enough!?!"  Except with you, it's "no one told me how hard it would be to actually be sold-out to you! Isn't praying for it good enough!?"

...man...God...you see right through that don't you...you  expose my lies...my hipocracies... you know where my heart actually is, and yet you love me. It doesn't make sense... I crucify you over and over again and you just keep coming back to marry your murderer... why are you so in love with your murderer Jesus!?! WHY!? The conviction is almost too much for me! Once was already pretty astounding...but EVERY DAY   I KILL you! And every day you come back to me with loving open arms!

You know... I complain to you about how marriage is bad for the heart sometimes... as if my heartache is even comparable to yours... you married me and I consciously choose to walk away from you almost every day... Why God? Why do you love me? what is so special about me? Absolutely nothing!

I don't know what to do with that... Well...intellectually I do... I know that I need to accept your grace and serve you as a humble and un-worthy child of yours, proclaiming your praises... But in reality i'm just at a place of dis-belief! I believe, but It's so un-believable how much you love me, how much grace you have for me!

You use me to encourage people...to DISCIPLE people! Who am I to represent you!? Who is your murderer to represent you?

But I guess you did it with Paul didn't you... what a dink he was... I can't believe you took him either... It's a good thing I don't have your job, or you'd probably have ran out of lightning bolts before Sodom and Gomorrah!  

....I want to serve you... But I just can't comprehend your grace enough to accept it right now... How can I be so flawed and be so incredibly used by such a perfect loving God? It doesn't make sense to me! God! What the heck is wrong with you!?!? Theology can't explain you! Great speakers can't even begin to describe you! No painting will ever capture your beauty! Even the greatest of all your creations on earth cannot begin to describe who you really are! It just blows my mind!

What the heck is a haemoglobin and how on earth did you just sculpt a person!? how did you just SPEAK oceans of creatures into existence?  You made my garlic sprout and now you're making it multiply! you make huge plants that can heal people, from a sand-sized seed! You already know all kinds of herbal remedies that we haven't discovered... and you don't need ANY of them to heal someone! God...you are... well, you are GOD! That's all their is to it!

"Who am I, that you are mindful of me"...

update on life!

So life continues on! I had an interview last week and another one today. Both are for support worker positions that are well below the social worker level...but you know what? I don't even care! I'm actually relieved that I can do less-stressful work and maintain dignity and work in the helping profession! It's nice to be valued in the interviews for my skills as opposed to scoffed at for my lack of experience. I am praying that one of these jobs works out fer me!

In other news, the 30 day prayer challenge continues on. I've missed some days, and done it others...it's rough to commit to it every day! It's rewarding when I take the time to do the challenge!

In even other news, I'm coughing up a storm again...feel free to pray!!

In EVEN MORE news, K Harder Cards is being sold at Savoir Faire gift shop! This is pretty exciting to me, and i've started marketing to other boutiques and florists. We'll see if anyone else bites! I still like making private sales as I get 5 bucks instead of 2.50 from each card... but hey! 2.50 is better than sitting on my butt doing nothing!

Anway, that's all for now! No crazy God moments or anything...probably my fault on that one...I don't know what's holding me back. I guess I'm scared of being radical. It's stupid I know. So you can pray about that if you want to!

Love you all!
- Krysta