I dropped my baby today...

Okay not really, but just as bad (maybe worse)...

I let him fall off the bed onto the basement floor. This is a taller bed, and a concrete floor. A good three foot drop onto carpeted concrete (not like a fluffy carpet..) with a big bump on his head. I can't believe I let it happen. Now it's 11:30 at night and everyone's in bed and I just need to process things. Most people wouldn't blog about this, since it is a farely shaming experience and there is a lot of fear about judgement... but I am kind of an open book, and quite frankly I don't think any of you could possibly judge me as much as I am judging myself right now. So bring it on, judge away, I don't really care.

Josiah has been getting more and more mobile every day it seems the last two weeks. Yesterday I sat him down in the middle of the bed, turned around to grab my pumping gear and he was on his stomach RIGHT at the edge of the bed! This should have been enough of a wake up call for me you'd think. Close call!

Today was Curtis's "calm before the storm" so-to-speak... Tuesday we are demolishing our house from the main floor up. Curtis says it will be easier and faster to renovate that way rather than trying to save the small parts that will remain the same, and try to work around them. That tedious working combined with trying to tear things out by hand would cost more in labor and time. So Tuesday a big tractor will come and eat my house... (if your free or have little boys, feel free to come by and watch. It's free entertainment. Just e-mail, Facebook or text me for my address).

Anyway! So today was a no-priority day. We started off by actually making it to church (second week in a row!!), lunch at my parents (which was delicious!), and then we went home so Josiah could nap. The plan was I would feed him at 4:00 and then we would go to Frasier's Grove park and take some pictures together before all the chaos starts (and Curtis loses all his hair from stress ;).  Curtis left to go to Rona for a few things, and I proceeded to get ready for Josiah's feed like I usually do. I put Josiah in the very middle of the bed, sitting up. Then I measure out the water for his bottle warmer. I check to make sure he's still sitting happily (which he was), and then I quickly run and grab his bottle from the fridge (a 8 second vacancy max)... Came back, still sitting perfectly. I get his bottle warming, and go fill a small vase with hot water to keep the bottle warm (cause I have a fussy baby like that)... I hear him chatting away.

I am litterally steps outside the bedroom door, when I hear a thump. ... 1, 2 seconds and suddenly crying like I've only heard a few times. I rush in and see him on the floor beside the bed. He was crying like he did when he got an IV. Not his normal crying. It was sort of a grunt/cry that he does when he is in a lot of pain. He looked a bit drowsy too.

Oh my goodness... my world crashed right there...

I called Curtis right away and he agreed I should call 911. The fire dept came first and made sure it was safe for me to pick him up. (I had picked him up to console him, but the 911 lady got me to put him down on the ground again until the emergency workers arrived). When the paramedics came, they checked his vitals and he didn't appear to have a concussion. They advised us to go in because any head injury to such a small child should be checked out. (Josiah was still crying inconsolably this whole time...very unlike him)

I rode in the ambulance and Curtis took our car. Probably a good hour after this whole thing started, Josiah started to calm down in the waiting room, and just have spurts of this painful crying grunting. I did get him fed and myself pumped before we saw a doctor.

Thankfully the doctor didn't seem too concerned. He was concerned about the height of the bed, but said that they are more concerned about 3 feet and up falls. So he was right on the cusp. Because he wasn't presenting with any symptoms (he was his charming self by now), and didn't  seem to be in pain when the doctor pressed on the goose egg on his forehead, they sent us home and said to come back if he changes (gets inconsolable, starts vomiting, unusually drowsy, etc...). I asked about fluid around the brain (cause I'm a paranoid first time mom who reads everyone's facebook posts and articles....) and he said that one jolt shouldn't do that. It's the back-and-forth motion of being shaken that causes a fluid build up around the brain. This was a huge relief to me....

Home we went... He woke up in pain after he went to bed but otherwise has been fine. I gave him a bit of tylenol and he seems to be sleeping okay...

How do I work past this? I don't think I will ever forgive myself.... "being dropped on your head as a baby" is a "thing" for a reason. It's a very serious situation, and it's not dieing in my mind. Every time I re-play the "thud...cry" and rush into the room scenario, I get nauseated with guilt... Have I just caused my child to have brain dammage? Have I changed his life forever? WHY didn't I carry him? why didn't I put him on the floor? Or in his playpen which was RIGHT THERE!!... why? why? why?

How could I have been so stupid!? (my mother-in-law told me "don't call the mother of your child stupid... It was careless, not stupid" and she's right)... hard not to feel stupid though. Especially with the close call yesterday.
 
you know what I would have done if I was my own CFS client? I would have apprehended Josiah I bet... That is what I think of myself right now. Not fit to parent... what kind of mother leaves her baby un-attended on a high-up bed?


I definitely turned to God tonight... Read some Word... did some praying... It's in his hands now. I guess it always was. Hard to imagine God knew this would happen all along, and has this all worked into his plans. That is the only thing that brings me peace in all of this. Knowing that God's will is sovereign over everything. He is bigger than my carelessness. He can heal Josiah if there is any injury, or he can change Josiah forever, because that is part of His plan for Josiah's life...

All I can do is let go,give it to Him, learn my lesson, and be the best mom I can be.

Wake up

All Sons and Daughters concert this Friday. My sister in law invited me to go a while back. Josiah still doesn't really eat for anyone else so it will be an interesting evening... But I am going either way! Haha... I feel guilty... But I can suppress it I think. Don't worry! (Poor Curtis)

Anyway I was thinking I should listen to some of their music before going since its more of a worship event than a concert. 

Lets just say I am not too familiar with them. And this is one of the first songs that is playing while I am in the kitchen putting dishes away

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=PoPWqi0W2DA

Well I am a bit sheltered when it comes to worship. I don't know why I don't play more around the house, but I usually get to church every 2-4 weeks because of Josiah's schedule. 

Oh my word... All that "wake up wake up all you dreamers" Ecclesiastes dry bones business... Gets me every time! I am a dry bone... Lol that's what part of the Body I am right now... A dry bone. Sorry church, I don't have much to throw your way. 

I know God has grace for moms, but why does it seem like some mom's faith is strengthened by becoming a parent, while others struggle? I apparently am really struggling. Call it a spiritual post-partum depression if you want. I can visualize and feel what a want my faith to be. I long and thirst for more of him but can't be bothered to reach out. I am surrounded by spiritual encouragers on every side (people, books, bible, music, apps, nature etc...) but don't utilize any of it. 

And naturally, it affects the rest of me too. I have been very stressed about our family situation lately and kind of bottling it up (especially since it is FAR more stressful for Curtis... What right do I have to feel overwhelmed?). 

It affects how much patience I have for Josiah, and how much intentional quality time I give him. It affects whether I eat healthy or exercise. It affects if the house is clean (or I am clean for that matter)... Lol kinda sounds like regular post-partum a bit... Guess that's not impossible either, but I kinda doubt that because I have generally high spirits despite these things. 

Anyway, Sunday we move back in with Curtis's parents, and October first our house is being demolished from the main floor up... Oh my oh my. It's one of those situations where (even though I have the best possible in-laws for this situation) I think any mom can understand why I am feeling a little stressed... Especially with no specific end in sight. 

 I don't really get to vent though cause given that Curtis is doing all the work on our house on top of running a business, his stress level is a trump card.  He prefers not to talk about stressful things (weird I know;). 

So here I am two days from moving day and not a thing packed... Maybe two or three boxes in the house to pack in. I am just kinda frozen. (And of course Josiah hasn't been sleeping well so neither have I). Man these things move slower with a baby. I am glad I have a week after we move to clear out the house. 

Anyway, prayers would be appreciated. Josiah's eating has been generally better.   I pump while feeding him now so a good feed only takes 20 minutes. He still has some really rough days and that gets me discouraged and aggravated, especially if I haven't slept, but if I look at the past month, things have gotten better overall so I can't really complain. And at least with this whole situation, I will have other people around and a couple extra sets of hands if I need to step away. 

I guess God knows what he's doing. 

From grief to joy

No idea what I am about to write... It's ten after eleven and I need to sterilize dishes so I can go to bed... Naturally that seems like the right time to blog!!

Ever feel like everyone else has things together except you? I kinda feel that way. Not like everyone else is perfect, but like everyone else is leading a respectable honourable life. Like everyone else is living a life of purpose and contribution to the world and I am somehow freeloading. 

I know, I know... I highly doubt this is a rare feeling for a new mom. It seems like everyone I see is helping me out. I love it and appreciate it. It's just hard sometimes not to feel guilty for being always at the receiving end of things. 

Sometimes when I see a mom with a toddler and a baby, my heart races a bit. Yikes! That just seems impossible. I mean, Josiah has his issues (very frustrating at times) but overall has an excellent temperament. And every baby has their issues... I can't imagine parenting a baby AND toddler together. How do you deal with a toddler on that little sleep!? How do you keep that little person growing and learning when I am JUST reaching the stage where I get dressed EVERY day! Wow... Moms of more than one, you have my respect. 

Some of my clients have more of my respect too. If I was going back to CFS my practice would look very different now. It's true that kids change you. 

... One thing no one prepared me for, was for that "instant bonding feeling" that I didn't get. When Josiah was born, I had gone through two days of inductions, plus an emergency c section plus he was taken to nicu. I saw him for 2 minutes then slept all night. (Yes I know, glorious). But in the morning it was like "do we really have a baby?" And then when I could see him, he was all covered in tubes and wires. I could do some skin on skin but not much. And he was far too weak to breastfeed. So it felt more like meeting my nephew or niece at times... (Only this baby is the cutest baby alive). 

Don't get me wrong, I love my son. He changed my world. I don't know what I would do without him, but there's something to be said for grieving the missed experiences... I read about that when we struggled with breastfeeding. You go onto your birth with this plan of how things will work. When things go differently and you lose out on certain expectations, you need to allow yourself time to grieve those losses so you can move on and accept the here and now. 

I grieve the loss of having ANY maternity leave time to relax before Josiah came. 

I grieve the loss of that "nesting" phase I never got to reach. 

I greive the three weeks of awful stressful bed rest, lack of sleep, hospital nightmares we went through

I grieve the four weeks I couldn't give Josiah to incubate inside of me, because my body was too weak... (I will never complain of an over-due baby)

I grieve the losses I talked about above, not even really getting an opportunity to bond with my baby when he was born. I only got to see him upside down in Curtiss arms for 15-20 seconds before they took him away to nicu, then not till the next morning...

I grieve not being able to have a vaginal delivery. I feel like less of a woman sometimes because of it. 

I greive not being able to breastfeed my baby. And I re-live this every time I feed my baby a bottle in public and get looks from other moms (like I am somehow being selfish. They don't know I pump).

I greive not being able to enjoy Josiah's first four months cause they were basically hell for me... So much more lack of sleep because of pumping, and reflux, so much anxiety at every feed. He was so fragile...

It was really only at around six months that I can honestly say "I enjoy having a baby". Feeds are still anxiety provoking and others don't see that part. Even if he has a good feed, my mind is always racing and thinking "I hope he gets enough" and "please please don't throw up this time" (even though my little fatty is doing just fine!). But overall I am starting to really enjoy my boy. He laughs at me and when I feed him his bottle had he looks me in the eyes, I now have a stronger bonding experience than before with him. 

Some days I do absolutely nothing other than care for Josiah. And you know what? That's okay. I deserve it. I am glad to be moving on to this next season of Josiah's life. He is truly a little blessing... Surely he will make a big impact on our world. I am sure he will break stereotypes and expectations just like he did with his entrance into the world.

Kids... Gotta love'em!

This is my father's world.

So my little world is prettymuch captured in this photo. (cute aint he?). I have to admit. When I found out we were having a baby boy a year ago, I was pretty excited and releived. I thought to myself "boys are easier than girls, especially during puberty!"...

This past sunday I listened to a Mark Driscol sermon (cause with Josiah's weird feeding schedule, it doesn't always work for us to go to church, especially since I have to pump with every feed...makes things tricky). Anyway! The sermon was about Mark's upcoming book "the resurgence"... it actually sounds pretty interesting. In this particular sermon, Mark was calling a challenge to all the men as fathers, in a world where men don't have to be men. Many men are just boys, with a man's freedom of choice and speech... which is a very dangerous concept. That wasn't the whole sermon, but that's what stuck out to me.

I don't want to raise a full grown adult boy. I want to raise a man of God. That is a scary thought. In today's society, boys dont need to grow up. In today's feminist society, men don't have a clearly defined role anymore, and it's easy to see why many men struggle even in their own families to be... well, to be the man! The women have become the men. They work, they call the shots, they handle the books, they raise the kids, and then complain to the men that they aren't helping out...

WELL EXCUSE ME BUT WHO IS SUPPOSED TO BE THE HELPER??? I believe God assigned the helping role to women if I am not mistaken. I can't help but feel that the way things are going, is a result of the fall, when God said that A woman's desire will be for her husband (as in, her desire is to lord over him, not like a longing loving desire...). It would seem that woman is winning right now...but it is at the expense of men it would seem...

So many men don't have an identity. It's like "why go to college? women do that now"... why get a career? we'll both work,  and it'll all be fine. And then Men (boys) continue to live like boys, pursuing boy-ish pleasures, and not growing up to be men... Providing for their families, earning the respect of their wives, through their actions, love and servanthood. Being a real father, not just a live-in sperm donor.

I am honestly a bit scared to raise a son in today's world. I don't think all the parenting books in the world could prepare today's christian parents for this one... let alone how to tackle the whole issue of lust, and respecting women in todays world of un-respectable women...

Well, Josiah's awake so this entry is done for now... Just a bit of venting! It's God's world, and I am having faith that he will play a role in the solution to these worries on my heart.