why feminism scares me.

You, know, i am far from an intellectual these days, simply because I am a mother of a n 18-month-old and a 3.5 year old lol so the sleep deprivation prevents the necessary attention span for such things. But in any case, there are a few things about feminism that have been weighing on my heart for years already, that I simply need to process. I am an external processor so that is why i write things down. I am not looking for debates on the subject, I am simply speaking my own mind, and I encourage others to maintain their own minds on this subject. I would also like to point out that this blog is referring solely to north-American feminism. I am in full support of spreading some feminism around the world in countries where equal rights are not acknowledged.


I want to start off with a little reminder that by education and profession, I am a feminist social worker. but by life choice, I am a married, stay-at-home mother of two boys. And it is this life choice, that has caused me to reconsider feminism in today's world. You see, I have probably the best husband in winnipeg... I am pretty convinced of it (at times... lol other times i have my reservations because I too am human). No, really! I mean, he cleans up after himself, he is financially secure, he is action-oriented, he helps with the kids, he is a good father, he is patient with my shortcomings (most times), he is responsible and mature, he looks fantastic, he carries himself well, etc... you may be thinking, "well he CANT be perfect..." and you're right. Because in order to have all of these wonderful responsible qualities, something has to give. He is a perfect "mr right". And by textbook definitions, he is a "feminist". by social definitions however, he is far from feminist, and i'd have to say i agree. You see, emotional intelligence isn't his strong suit. (which is fine, because most of that intellectual space is taken up by being one of the best 28 year old business owners I have ever met). He genuinely believes men and women are different. Not better or worse, just very different. This  can come out in little ways that appear "anti-feminist" like when he says "i bet that was a woman driving..." (the funny part? he's usually right lol) or that he prefers a male preacher at church, etc... but you know what, some of these things are just reality. For example... I am confident in saying that a married man with young children takes his career far more seriously than a married woman with young children in daycare. If i had to have brain surgery, and my choice was between the two, i would choose the waffle-minded male any day over the spaghetti-brained woman who is not only performing surgery, but potentially has her period, wondering if her child is going to throw up at daycare and need to be picked up, thinking about what to make for supper, or what's all on the Christmas agenda this year, and if nothing else, is mulling over the incredibly high stakes of the surgery she is about to perform...

I am not saying women shouldnt be brain sergions... I think women can make excellent brain surgeons. we are so detail oriented and capable of being scientific and interpretive at the same time which is an incredible problem-solving skill. excellent in a surgical situation i am sure. but none-the-less, if i had the choice, i'd pick male any day. They are more...wait for it... PREDICTABLE!  and in some situations, that is just plain needed... and in the same breath, i would pick a female child-care-provider over male any day because they are more predictably emotionally intelligent and detail focused which is what a child needs every day. Again, some men can do an excellent job! and most men can do a perfect job of child care on a short term or periodically long-term basis. And if push-comes-to-shove, i think men can make amazing sole-care-givers....but do you know why that is? it is less because of instinct, and MORE because of a sense of RESPONSIBILITY. wife left him, wife died, never was a wife... etc...whatever the situation, he is now left with this little human who is looking to him for care and provision. And HE... WILL...PROVIDE! he will love! If his daughter needs pig-tails, he will become the best 3-year-old hair-stylist that there ever was! he'll learn topsy-turveys, braids, french braids, he'll learn how to paint nails, how to mend buttons on favorite dresses, etc... but... if push comes to shove, and there's a capable loving mother in the picture, that same man will be less-inclined to do those things simply because the sense of responsibility has shifted, and he sees the highest need for responsibility to be financial provision, and heavy work...etc... whatever he can do to create the best mothering environment for the woman involved.

What am i trying to say with all these ramblings?  I am attmepting to say that i agree with my husband...men and women are different. our brains work differently, we respond differently... it doesnt matter how emotionally intelligent a man is, he still isnt a woman!! and it doesnt matter how strong and level headed a woman is, she still isnt a man!  I could go into example after example here, but that isnt  the point. the point is explaining why feminism scares me.

feminism scares me because i am the mother of boys... feminism in north america is not the same as feminism in a textbook. Textbook feminism is support of equal rights between men and women. the right to vote, the right for equal employment opportunities, etc... feminism seeks to restore women to their god-given place, BESIDE men, not behind them.

but what is happening today? in north america??? what is it now? it is woman-worship. thats what it is... can we talk about a man's strengths (that he has just for being a man) without it being considered an anti-feminist remark?

here's an example...

"men are such good drivers"

what did you actually interpret from that? all you heard was likely that women are not good drivers.... here's another one.

"Women are so easy to talk to"...
what did you hear? did you hear "women are easy to talk to" or did you hear "men are poor listeners"??? you see? we can compliment women for just being women, but we cannot give men the same courtesy. somehow, a compliment and identity-giving-strength-trait for men, is considered an insult to women. but an identity-giving strength is simply a strength when said about women in the same breath.

what about this one...

"men are stronger than women"

is that rubbing you the wrong way? well, is it false? have you ever been to a fitness facility? look at the man AND the woman who go every morning at 6 am to work out. both in excellent shape. He's curling 60 lb dumbells and she is curling 30. (30 is insane in my opinion... I curl 10 for the record lol)

he squats 250, she squats 100. (and i'd be worried about her knees at that point)

he benches 190, she beches...probably that same 100, maybe 120...And these are prestenely in-shape people of equal effort. Men...are...stronger... sports leagues dictated this reality too, right up to the olympics...

i dont really care if you dont like it, its a truth. Men are stronger than women. and you know what? it's okay for men to both own this, and be proud of it.

what is happening in north america with feminism is the same thing that happens in countries all over the world when racial reconciliation occurs. There's a back-lash from the formerly-oppressed group. A movement of hatred and domineering behaviors to sub-conciousely punish the formerly-oppressive group of people. It's happening in canada with our first nations people (and it's part of the healing journey and i am not bashing it whatsoever) and it's happening in the states with the african american population... it's part of healing, and i support this step as much as any other step in the healing process. but the issue? generally the formerly-oppressive group can handle the heat... but in the case of feminism this is not happening... men are being dammaged by this "feminist" movement in north america...

what is a womans identity today? she has value...dignity...worth... simply because she is a woman. As someone close to me puts it "a woman has intrinsic value, because she has a uterous". Callous maybe, but something to think about.

What is a man's identity today? well it's based on what he does or what he accomplishes with his life. And even then, if he makes one stupid move, it is all on his shoulders, and any good he has done is overlooked because of the bad.

what if that same woman does something stupid? has worked her whole life and accomplisehd something great, throws it all away because she commits a crime and goes to jail? the man? seen as foollish and stupid...the woman? seen as a victim of oppression or abuse, likely theres a reason, or underlying trauma that precipitated the event etc...

do you see how unfair this is? do you see how we set our boys up for both failure and identity crisis? what do i tell my little boys when they ask me "how do i be a man"? what do i tell them? "well son, you need to act more like mommy"....i am SERIOUS here..

a boy trips a little girl at school and she falls down...the teacher makes him apologize...the boy, feeling ashamed and wanting to show respect in his own way, looks at the floor, not wanting to make eye contact out of shame, and respect for the girl... but the socially appropriate behavior is the FEMALE one.. the teacher forces him to make eye contact with the girl "look at her while you are speaking to her, Timmy!". So he does as he says "im sorry". In the end, the apology is less heart-felt than if the teacher had allowed him to simply be a boy and apologize in his own way... as a boy appologises.

in our marriages, arent we the same way? punishing our husbands for going silent in a moment of remorse or during an argument... while they show us respect by letting us talk and share our feelings, while they absorb it and take it in as a man does...at face value, with respect, taking you at your word... we punish them for not making little 'uh huh's and "i see"s and not making eye contact, not adding a sentance here or there... what do we say "WERE YOU EVEN LISTENING?" or "dont you have anything to say!?"... if he responds with "no" he has failed... (but he was listening and he was showing you respect, the way a man does so instinctively)... if he gives you an answer, it's likely not going to be the one you were looking for because he is frantically racking his brain (which is not your brain) for a response that will appease you.

this is our world. this is what i am bringing up boys into....

a woman leaves her husband... what does she hear from people "good for you!"

a man leaves his wife.... "what a coward. shame on him..."

a woman leaves her husband....liberating...
a man leaves his wife...degrading...

woman chooses to marry and leave her carreer to mother her children...degrading
A man chooses not to have a career in order to parent his children at home...degrading...

so who should watch the kids then? the mother who is equally dammaged by feminism? or the man who is dammaged by feminism?

Did you know that i am JUST a stay at home mom??? did you know that? i am no longer "a stay at home mom"... that little word "just" is in there... it's in there EVERY TIME unless i am speaking with someone from a former generation, who gets it.


This is a crisis in my understanding of how to raise my boys. you see, i want them to be like their father is. I want them to be responsible men with strong identities, who provide for their families and earn the devoted and submissive respect of their wives, the way Curtis has earned mine. I want this for them so badly, but how on earth can i raise boys to be like this, in today's world? I don't even know if it's possible at this point...