Nothing like reading case files...

Second day on the job, got my case files! Oh boy... nothing like a day of reading about pedophilia with an 8 year old girl and a 40 year old step-father (ages obviously generalized for confidentiality)... and other stories of beatings... Geez i thought I was ready to read it, but you're never ready for the explicit details as stated by a child. I can see the importance of self-care in this business! I haven't talked to any clients and I already feel like I can see the vicarious trauma creeping towards my future. Oh well! Guess that's my pill to swallow!

I found myself driving around for my lunch hour listening to chvn thinking... God...how can you love and forgive a man like that... a man who rapes a little girl 2-3 times a week, who beats his son and chokes him until blood is coming out of his mouth...who ties a noose around his son's head... how can you love someone like that? Someone who NORMALIZES rape to a little girl...Just rape, then go  back to Xbox... no big deal...

And then I am reminded of his grace for me... and as I see things through his eyes, I just see another confused and lost soul. I see a man with a detailed, layered culture and generations of abuse (and no, this isn't an Aboriginal rant...). So much fear and uncertainty in the family. Repetitions of old patterns...

What has happened to make a 13 year old boy sexually harass his 11 year old sister (ages generalized once again)? What has that boy been through? How can that girl ever learn to trust? What goes through a mother's head when she decides not to intervene, or to ignore her son's blue and yellow leg? his bloodshot eyes and purple arm? What goes through a mother's head as she choses to deny her daughter's allegations of sexual abuse?

I think these things as i hear my lovely professor chanting in my head "Inherent dignity and worth!" and I am ashamed of how judgmental I become. I still have to work with these people, and I need to give them the dignity and worth they deserve as human beings. I have to give them the respect the don't deserve (in my opinion).

It's a tricky place to be in... your co-workers are there to support you, but they are all jaded and just think it's funny that you worry, or are over-whelmed...but they would also be concerned if you presented with NO emotions about the cases. So I guess I need to strike some kind of a balance. I need to figure out my own self-care. How do i get it all out? Obviously this is as detailed as I can get on a blog, so this can't be my method of self-care. And it's not like i'm so overwhelmed that I can't stand the thought of going to work tomorrow (Mid $20's an hour is a pretty good reason to go to work tomorrow!). But I don't want to become a jaded worker.

The reason I decided to go into social work, was a grade 3 girl that had been in 5 foster homes in one year....I decided I would be a good social worker. I was going to make a difference. Now I'm here, and I don't want to lose my passion to "giving up" or jadedness or "the system"... (of course if i am too passionate, My supervisor will assign me all the new cases...then i'm over-worked and I don't want that either!).

Right now i've got 10 cases (which is pretty awesome compared to the average 30, which is 5 above the recommended maximum caseload). I'm sure that will quickly change, but for now, I think it will be managable.

Did i mention taht I was told in the phone call i would be shadowing for 2 weeks before getting a case-load? And that I will meet briefly with the social worker 1 day, before having my caseload? and my supervisor will also be on holidays next week when I start with my clients!? No no... no stress at all over here! (sarcasm)

Apparently that's one of the easier introductions to the system amongst the people in my unit.

Isaiah 30:10-15

"They say to the seers, "See no more visions!" and to the prophets, "Give us no more visions of what is right! Tell us pleasant things, prophesy illusions, Leave this way, get off this path, and stop confronting us with the Holy One of Israel!"

Therfore this is what the Holy One of Israel says:

"Because you have rejected this message, relied on oppression and depended on deceit, this sin will become for you like a high wall, cracked and bulging,that collapses suddenly, in an instant. It will break in pieces like pottery, shattered so mercilessly that among its pieces not a fragment will be found for taking coals from a hearth or scooping water out of a cistern,"

This is Isaiah talking to the israelites about how they choose to listen to the false prophets instead of the real ones who are coming with less-than-pleasant news... I can't help being convicted by these words because the church (including me) seems to be crying out to the people with bad news "stop it! Just look at the theology that can break down your Holy words from God!" we don't counter with false prophets anymore, we counter prophecy with theology now...

I walk into the church saying listen, I know from SEVERAL unrelated sources that have prophetic tendancies that the end of the world will be coming very soon... and the church just responds "well we can't know the day or the hour"...But I say "well the hour is drawing near!" and they say "well thats what paul said too"...

So I say...frick! He wasn't crying wolf and I'm not either!! I think it's time to start listening to some of the Rapture freaks! Not the ones that are saying May 21'st of this year...that's just stupid to pick a date. Do you really think you've out-smarted God?! ("oh shoot! Those people figured out my plan! I guess I shouldn't show my math work in the bible next time...")

Here's my spiritual timeline in the past couple years (and when I say "my" i am referring to me, Kayla and the bible study group as well as other un-related individuals)

- 2009 God calls me through Kayla and Jason (mike's friend) to do something deeper with my faith. Kayla joined a bible study group and started prophesying and stuff.
- I join the group...People are being saved from crap... more than 3 people prophesy and confirm each other's words that God is raiding the enemy camp and making an army for himself
- 2010...in this bible study, it is prophesyed (again, never by just one person or all at the same meeting) That it is harvest time. Harvest is messy. there needs to be a cleansing with fire which is painful. Cleansing of our souls, preparation for the battle
- Late 2010 I stop going to bible study, cause I've started speaking in tongues and prophesying and i'm scared of my own potential.
- 2011 I begin hearing from God that it's urgent I return to Him. Then Kayla confirms it with her own prophetic words (relating back to the 20 Bridesmaids, 10 with extra oil and 10 without...it's time to just follow, and no turning back to wait for someone to follow. Just follow your God).

Then there is all this end of the world stuff going around, all the natural disasters, all the world peace crap, and waaay too many un-related parties having deep spiritual convictions about end times right now...And If someone says this is all just worry, well then...you are telling me that the personal God I know is simply my own emotions and any connection I have had is not real with him...Because He is who I have recieved my convictions about this from...

So at this point I don't really know what to do with all of this...cause every generation, people think the end of the world is going to come. But I am confident in my faith, and convictions. Maybe I will see the end, maybe I wont...but I know I should be ready, Just as God is convicting me. In either case, I will have to stand before the throne and give an account. I am not ready to give that account yet, so i better pick up the slack...