Why i'm not an "all-natural" parent

I've really had my up and down times as a parent... and I have learned a lot!  That being said, I am only 27 and I am a stay at home mom of an almost 3-year-old and a six month old, so I am BY FAR not all-knowing, or done learning... Just opinionated in my current knowledge :). I also love and respect those around me who carry differing values for their child-rearing with admiration. I love how we can all be so different and yet all raise our children to be wonderful people. What I am endeavoring to do is (well, mostly to process my own thoughts externally) share one perspective that is not popular or well broadcasted.

I'm not a hippie (this is my husband's word for the organic-vegan-chemical free-essential oil brewing-flag waving-dance in the streets type people... with love of course lol). Or as my dad would call them "granola munchers" (also with love). Now don't get me wrong, I have both WANTED to be one and TRIED to be one. I'll explain why at the end of the post. But for now, I simply want to speak out what I DO think and practice in my home. I want to write it out because it's not a highly practiced or valued  parenting style in todays north-american world.

I'll start with a few controversial sentences:
- I spank my children (well, child... the other is only 6 months lol)
- I vaccinate my children
- I use disposable diapers
- I do not ultimately try to reason with my two year old (because...he's two...)
- I let my two year old drink juice and eat fast food
- I let my two year old eat sugar
- I bottle fed my child
- I didn't potty train my son when he turned two
- My (almost) 3 year old still has a bottle at bed time
- I force my children to take naps when they dont want them
- I co-sleep when its needed
- I let my children incur minor injuries for the sake of learning
- I let my children watch TV
- I medicate my children when they have fevers or pain
- I use antibiotics when advised
- I give my child age-innapropriate toys (and wires and things)
- I let my two year old use peelers, scissors and butter knives
- I force my children to play alone

And I'll add a few less controversial sentences:
- I do time outs, and "come sit with mummy"
-  I love baby-wearing
- I use positive reinforcement
- I listen and empathize intently to my two year old, ensuring his thoughts and opinions are heard before I make decisions for him.
- I  am intentional to do a bear hug and an "I love you" at least 2 times a day
- I use verbal praise generously and constantly
- I use essential oils regularly instead of medication
- I make exzima cream, massage oil, and bath salts from scratch
- we are scent-free (except for essential oils)
- I ensure my two year old eats dairy, protein and fruits or veggies at every meal
- I give my son smoothies for breakfast
- I inforce our safety rules appropriately
- I monitor my children's play with things beyond their level, and teach them valuable skills like how to properly cut with a knife or scissors.
- I do crafts with my son 1-3 times a week involving stuff like glitter, stickers, paint, glue, cutting
- My first son had breast milk until 18 months and my second is currently exclusively breastfed.
- I intentionaly socialize my two year old by attending mom's groups, and putting him in child care at the gym
- I work out and drink smoothies and eat salad daily (workouts 3X a week)

Some of the things in my two lists seem controversial, but you know what? they aren't because I am one person and not a flag holder for some model of parenting. I have authority to parent my children MY WAY and not the way of some pre-defined model like attachment parenting or authoritarian or even egalitarian. These are MY children, entrusted to my husband and I by God himself, to raise for His will. I will not be imprisoned by a set of guidelines or instructions or cultural trends. I will love my children like Christ loved the church, and we will teach them how to follow Christ the way we know best. I refuse to be pressured by cultural trends (like the huge "dont spank" trend) that I feel will damage my children's development ultimately. And though I know I am far from the perfect mother, I feel it my duty to take authority in the ways I am able.

I dont want to delve too deeply into any particular issue for the sake of not starting mommy wars. but  I did call this post "why i am not an all-natural parent" so I will explain a few of my values on that front.

Vaccines: My  cousin's wise sister-in-law (naturaupath) had this to say. "unless you are willing to do MORE research and know MORE about the diseases being vaccinated for THAN YOUR CHILD'S DOCTOR, than you should vaccinate. Because the doctors won't be looking for the symptoms of those particular illnesses." Wise words. I'm simply not a huge "look it up" kinda person (Which is why I married one. haha!). The other reason I am pro-vaccination is simply because I am not ANTI vaccination... simple enough. all the chemicals people worry about in them and causing autism is all super out-dated research and they have changed. My kids arent allergic to egg whites, and since they are breast fed, I am really not worried about the development of their immune systems being compromised. I also have a great gift of faith, and a lot of respect for our doctors, which is totally lost to much of our generation it seems. so many people seem to think they know better than their doctors, and that the internet knows more than their doctor does...not true. Try taking a college course and see what counts as credible research. Are you willing to put in that kind of effort to know about the diseases? days and days of reading at the library? writing papers and essays, memorizing symptoms... cause that's what your child's doctor did. DO NOT dis-credit years and years, billions of dollars of research. and no, the medical system is NOT TRYING to kill you... they are trying to help us and make us stronger. So lets stop the conspiracy talk among moms m'kay?

Organic/nonGMO: I attended a cancer-workshop put on by my local Maximized Living chiropractor, and at first was very inspired to eat better, and make some changes...but then he began listing thing after thing after thing  that was going to give us cancer... light bulbs, tooth paste, fabric, dishwasher soap, laundry soap, the city water, vaccines, fillings, all medication ever made, all carbs and sugars both natural and un-natural, THE FRIGGIN' AIR... (okay that last one was an exaduration, but if I asked, I'm sure he'd say yes)... you get the idea. super self-defeating way to present things... it's just this in-surmountable mountain of things to try and change. I decided I would change what I could and forget the rest. So I tried for a while, but it just stressed me out. Then my friend made such a good statement to me. "there's a fine line between 'you're body's a temple' and 'do not worry about tomorrow. pagans worry about these things because tomorrow is all they have'. We have heaven. Who cares if you don't live as long?" There comes a point when we cross a line and we are worshiping our own bodies by selfishly surrounding ourselves with "everything good" at the expense of other things like time with our family, time serving God's church, time with God, money for God and his church, money for our children's college funds, etc... it would cost a good $500 extra a month to actually change things over in your house to be living wholistically... and not to mention all the time spent making all your  cleaning products, creams, shampoos, dish/laundry detergents, etc... Thats the time and money you could be giving to the church... I just simply cant get it out of my head, some starving child at our church's care point, because I need to spend 4$ extra on tomatoes every week so that they are ORGANIC .... am I that much more valuable that I should do this?? It's just incredibly selfish to me and self-centered to think I am more valuable than the rest of the world that our money should go to such superior things and not towards feeding 20-30 of Winnipeg's homeless and hungry who live off of ramen noodles and free stale bread...

Medication/Antibiotics: This one circles back to my gift of faith and my respect for the knowledge doctors  (and pharmacists) carry. I simply don't think I could know better than them. And quite frankly, doctors don't like prescribing antibiotics anymore either. So if they tell you that you need to use it, then you should use it. Antibiotics save lives. Just like vaccines, flu shots and infant formula saves lives. There's this crazy trend/revelation of "i know best" and "anti-expert" mentality, where we try to equalize all people. But the fact is, some people are actually smarter (we call it IQ) and some people are geniuses. And some people have more focus and discipline to memorize vast amounts of knowledge they can use to study, assess, and diagnose you, prescribe you medication and help you get well. Lets stop insulting all of that with our ignorant foolishness based on one or two blog posts or forum reads... that's just...well read proverbs. that's foolishness in a nutshell... If you read something and are GENUINELY convinced by it, then TAKE THAT KNOWLEDGE TO YOUR DOCTOR. They are reasonable human beings and can be trusted to explain it to you, or agree with you.

Spanking: Okay, this one has nothing to do with all-natural, but I just figured I couldn't put a statement like that in a blog post and ignore it with today's crazy controversial views. First of all, lets all remember that there's a difference between beating your child, and spanking them. I've read some attachment parenting posts on spanking... apparently some people think spanking is the same as a drunk angry dad walloping his innocent son... lets clear that up. and it might be a mental view you didn't even know you carried about spanking, simply because of how people shame it. Spanking is one or two smacks on the bum  with an open palm, that do not leave a red mark. This is neither abusive, mentally harmful, nor illegal. Remember, I'm a social worker by education and worked for CFS for 2 years. Just trust me on this one... your kids wont get apprehended if you are good solid parents and you spank in this manner. Now, if you use spanking as an "out" for all other forms of parenting, thats another story and borders on neglectful. And if you do it while angry, that is dangerous because you are more likely to hit harder than you planned (same goes for a smack on the hand). A spanking should always be done from a relaxed parent.  OKAY! Now that the logistical deffinitions are out of the way... "spare the rod, spoil the child" is something I just think is true. I dont totally understand how children can be raised to actually have a healthy fear/respect for their elders, if they are not punished for wrong-doings. And time-outs are only so effective. Also, every child is different. My brother had maybe two spankings his whole life... I needed them like...weekly lol so you also have to assess your child. Our oldest has a physical touch love language, which means that time outs are far less effective than spankings (for a quality time child, time outs will be FAR MORE effective than spankings). But it also means being very careful with how much and how you spank, and always following it up with cuddles while you discuss (again) why the child received the spanking, until they agree to obey next time.

A little bit of background to what brought me here...
Like I said right at the start of this post, I have had my ups and downs as a mother. My first son was born prematurely, and as a CFS social worker, I thought I knew  what I was getting into with parenting. But I was more-than-a-little thrown off by the colic, reflux, dairy and soy allergy, too-weak-to-nurse, exclusively pumping, preemie-delayed development, which lead to the PTSD, un-realistic sleeplessness (even for a new parent), criticism, feelings of self-defeat and worthlessness... We also did renno's which lead to living with both my parents and my in-laws for various lengths of time...There's nothing quite like walking into another home as a broken mother, and having to interact with an extremely confident (and successfully completed) mother who will share every bit of advice she can to be helpful... Unfortunately in that broken state, the advice is filtered into a mom's brain through the filter of her own self-talk...so what was intended as helpful advice and (legitimately good) ideas, is instead taken as criticism and judgement... being further and further broken down, I became the kind of mom I shall refer to as a conformist. This isn't the best word, since no mother becomes this way by choice, but by survival... If I was around bottle feeders, I proudly bottle fed my son, not mentioning the hours of pumping invested into ensuring he got breastmilk. If I was around breast feeders, I would find a way to work in our story and ensure they knew I wasnt "poisoning" (eye roll) my child with formula. I would baby-wear around attachment parenters, and I would discipline around authoritative family and friends. I would appologise and make excuses for why my 17 month old couldn't walk, or why my six month old was just starting to tolerate tummy time enough to learn how to hold up his head and push with his arms.... I would compare children nervously, and make excuses or apologies and at time even self-protective judgements. Then I had my second son...born 5 days late, breast fed like a dream, held his head up before two weeks old, sitting by 2.5 months... (now he's just super fat and doesn't want to crawl lol), sleeps when he's supposed to, happy when he's awake... practically a dream-baby! I couldn't believe it! (and I give all the credit to the Lord above, who sent this baby to heal my heart). Suddenly I realized that all my insecurities weren't legitimate. My trauma required healing, and I had a right to start believing in my own capabilities again. The fact that children are different, and it's not ALL "nurture" (nature vs. nurture), broke a lot of bonds in my heart. I began to notice the confident moms around me, regardless of their parenting choices. My sister in law for one, and one of the leaders at our moms group for another. Also a close friend we visit with on a regular basis. these three people all have extremely different parenting values, but all are raising healthy happy well-adjusted children with confidence and strength. I realized something... I have a right to be this way.  But the big catalyst to my change came from an unlikely source... my best friend who is a single yuppy!  She was convicted to rebuke the way I talked about myself and my children (in a typical negative mennonite "humility" tone). She taught me that what I say has authority. I can speak death or I can speak life over my children. I can speak blessings over their lives, their days and their bodies, or I can speak curses. If I tell myself and my child that he will be a failure, I am giving failure that authority. If I rebuke those thoughts and speak blessings over my child, then I can break these curses and fill my children's lives with blessings. I have authority to take oil and anoint my children. Yes, a literal spiritual anointing with oil. This is my God-given right as their mother.  Knowing I have this spirtual authority broke bonds, and helped me to realize I have the same authority in how my children are raised. I can reject  views I do not agree with and promote those I love in my home.


Love for all other views: I really do respect other points of view. I respect people who do the research about vaccines, and are able to feed their children ridiculously nutritious diets to provide them with incredible immune systems that don't require vaccination. I have madd respect for the parents who can get their kids to have a healthy fear of authority without any kind of corporal punishment, or who have the patience to reason with a two year old and somehow convince their two year olds to always make the right choices... These simply arent how I am choosing to raise my children. I really do love that we can have different styles and all be part of the same community and have beautiful human beings who will change the world some day! :)

Parenting, Poppies, praises, and Paris...

I was gonna write this post a couple days ago, but felt like I ought to wait and process the day's events a bit longer... And I am glad I waited because now there is so much more to process, after hearing about the terror in France over the past 24 hours... I know several people who are having some PTSD from 9/11 from watching the France attacks take place on TV...

France, we are praying for you... you are loved and supported.

Take what I say with the following disclaimer: 1) I have been at rock-bottom as a mother In the past, and been judged in my capabilities by those who love me most. as a result I have ZERO judgement for other parents and their choices/limits in parenting. 2)I AM processing things from my own unique conservative up-bringing and I am growing as a human being through all of this... I'm not perfect, but I am well-intentioned.

OKAY! NOW THAT THAT'S DONE, lets begin....

We don't celebrate Halloween...  I didn't and I did as a child. My parents adapted their views on this holiday as we matured. My husband's family has nothing to do with Halloween, and as I submit to my husband's views in this way even when I don't understand/agree all the time. (He's a smart man who loves our kids and I, and whom I respect greatly, so this isn't a problem for me.) This year however, as I was also trying to prepare for Rememberance day, I realized how very little there is out there for toddlers on this holiday.

So I asked online in some of my parenting groups... nothing... not only did most not celebrate this holiday, but they had zero ideas/conviction to teach their children about this. I was partially mad, and mostly motivated... So I did some research and found a do-able poppy craft for a two year old. I printed out a few cartoon pictures of soldiers, bought my son a soldier hat from the dollar store, and taught him that soldiers say "YES SIR!" and that they keep us safe from owies. When the week of rememberance day rolled around, then we began our poppy craft. I explained to him that we were going to go see some soliers and say thank you to them for keeping us safe. I told him how much soldiers like poppies. I told him it was their FAVORITE FLOWER and so we will make them some poppies, and put a fancy "red quarter" on them. On remembrance day, we went to our Legislative building where they do a "21 Gun salute" with blanks in three cannons. He wore big ear covers for that part, and saw soldiers saying "yes sir" and wearing their dress uniforms. Afterward, we hunted down current and past soldiers by looking at their clothes and looking for medals on their jackets. Then, attached to a poem my husband and I worked on, my son said "Thank you soldier" and gave them poppies. We made 8 altogether. All of this took NO MORE effort than it would take the average parent to teach, prepare and implement their child's Halloween experience.

It's offensive to me that people don't see their freedom worthy of being remembered, but they will go to great lengths to teach their children what ghosts, goblins and witches are for Halloween. They are willing to have their children knock on doors for candy that will rot their teeth, minds and bodies, but they aren't willing to teach their children about real death, real sacrifice and real freedom worthy of a celebration... It's all backwards...

Christmas... My husband's family teaches that Santa isn't real, and presents are from your parents and that Christmas is about Christ. (Santa is still fun, just not real)... I thought about this in relation to rememberance day too, and now I am just angry about it all... people... GOOD PEOPLE are teaching their children about fictional characters like Santa Clause...TEACHING!! TAKING TIME, TO SIT DOWN WITH THEIR TWO YEAR OLDS AND LIE TO THEM TO CONVINCE THEM OF THE EXISTANCE OF THIS SANTA CLAUSE...but they arent willing to teach them about the THOUSANDS who fought and died for their freedom. a REAL GIFT! A REAL SACRIFICE. I dont care if you are christian, athiest, bhuddhist, muslim or jewish.... how dare you?!? lie to your children for fun, and then hide the truth from them... it's shameful.

Our freedom is not permanant. There are people in our world who keep Hitler and his values alive, and as long as those people exist, we need to be active in teaching our children how to FIGHT for freedom, not just how to live in it.

What do we teach our children about bullying? We teach them that it is wrong, but do we teach them how to fight back? Do we teach them self-defense, how to stand up for others and that choosing to do nothing, is indeed choosing to ALLOW the bullying at school? Why aren't these values taught? All we teach is "don't be the bad guy" and "mind your own business". Are we creating a generation of people who will NOT step in to save a life? There have already been experiments where a loud recording of (what sounds like) a woman being abused is played in apartment blocks... no one calls the cops, or knocks on the door...nothing... they play a (same volume) recording of someone practicing drums, and people complain and knock on the door for them to be quiet... wow.. just wow... We are ALREADY  a generation of people who don't stand up. We aren't "strong and free" as our anthem says if we don't choose to stand strong. Sometimes pacifism is NOT THE ANSWER. Sometimes you need to go out and STOP the evil.

I simply dont understand why we dont teach our children about Rememberance day...we leave that up to the school system. My son is TWO years old... He's old enough to believe in santa clause, old enough to be obsessed with Thomas the train, Old enough to understand delayed gratification... He's old enough to (at the very least) learn about what a soldier is, and does. He may not understand death, but he can understand that there are people who work hard to keep us safe, and that they get "owies" so that we dont have to...

Let me give some background to my passionate views... I grew up in a conservative Mennonite home. My paternal grandma would have worn a head covering for much of her life (though not in the time I knew her). She never owned a deck of cards or music with a drum beat, and I don't know if she even owned a pair of "slacks" (pants). My maternal grandma was an immigrant  (I THINK during the war) to canada. She was a little less conservative and a little more upper-class but still a conservative Mennonite. I was told that my grandfathers, both pacifist did not fight in World War II, but did help in medical ways or mining efforts here at home with the war.

Growing up, I wasn't allowed to go to school dances or date.  I attended church 2-3 days a week and was proudly taught my families values of pacifism. Their views and values have changed drastically over the years. They celebrate what our soldiers do for us now, and have helped our local legion with their services on several occasions, and attend a ceremony regularly. I am very proud of them and how they have been able to hang on to the values of their heritage while growing to appreciate the truth of their freedom.

My husband's family is also Mennonite in heritage, however, my father-in-law almost enlisted in the army, my sister-in-law was in the Navy reserves and her husband is currently in the Canadian Navy out in Halifax. My husband too, likely would have enlisted had I not come along and "wooed him" into a life of matrimony :P. It's a very different perspective on pacifism that I married into. Still extremely peaceful people, but they can appreciate where the bible says "a time for war and a time for peace"...

I went to Steinbach Bible College for two years after highschool and they teach Mennonite values similar to those I was taught as a child. However in my Mennonite History class when I learned about how we all came to live in this "home and native land", I learned that many of us Mennonites fled to Canada during the wars due to our pacifist values and our strong convictions to NOT fight in the wars... our families were being persecuted for these values. Threatened and killed for them, so they fled to various countries and eventually Canada.  Here in Canada, they were welcomed, and asked to farm the lands while others went off to war. In this way, they were welcomed to be free. What this really means is that someone else, another Canadian soldier, fought and died so that my grandparents wouldn't have to fight...wow... what a perfect representation of what Christ did on the cross for us. We worship and praise Christ for what He did, but we shame the soldier? this makes no sense. We ought to (at the very least) be thankful to the soldiers who did this (and CONTINUE to do this in present times) for our freedom. Because someone else fought and died, I have the freedom to rant and rave in this blog post and you have the freedom to completely disagree with me.


My son's photo and the poem I wrote made it onto the CTV News, and we were so proud of him, and (hey, no filters right?) ourselves for taking time to teach him. We were so honored that we had touched a Seargent's heart in such a way. But the sad reality is, why is this unique? why are we the ones starting this, and honestly there's nothing to be proud of here. It's the vets and soldiers who ought to be proud of what they've done. All we did was type and paint... for a few hours... really, that's it. All we did was teach our son the very utter basics of what this holiday is all about. We taught him things that all parents should be teaching their children. I sincerely hope, that if nothing else, our little "5 seconds of fame" brought conviction to the hearts of some parents who chose to do nothing this year, and brought inspiration to those who have been struggling (like i have) to find an idea worth doing.

I know we aren't alone. Many soldiers we saw, already had a hand-made card in their hands, so I am overjoyed to say we didn't invent this idea, and we aren't the only family teaching their children! I am so happy about this!  I hope, as time goes on and I continue to shape my values as a canadian mother, that I will be able to raise my two boys to become strong men who will be proud to serve their God and their country in whatever capacity they have been destined for.

Sometimes it takes a chiropractor...

I am not going to sugar coat it, I am in a pretty bad spot spiritually. 

I am pregnant, suffering from insomnia, and I have been sick for over 8-9 weeks. I have had 5 or 6 different illnesses, combined with terrible spring allergies this year, and asthma that has been well exacerbated. I have been out-of-commission since right around when lent started... I was sick the entire time I did the 30 hardest days, sick after that and still don't see an end in sight. I have been praying sincerely, pursuing God intently, having faith in his grace, etc...  I have been doing this, and believing in him for deliverance from this stuff... For 8-9 weeks... And I have only been getting worse. I have been to the hospital for my asthma, been on prednisone, re-bruised my ribs from coughing TWICE in that time, and the last few days, finally given up... I have asked for so much prayer, in my weakness I know others have been lifting me up too... And here's the thing... 

God's grace has been covering me...

April 16'th I felt a lump in my throat like the beginnings of another virus, and so I had this to say to God (among other things)... 

"Can we stop these games!? is prayer as useless as it feels right now... What have my prayers accomplished other than to make me feel like an idiot for having believed you... Or in you even at times... Tell me where I am out of line here. SEARCH ME!!  Other than this anger I now have...my thoughts are not out of line and you know it. HERE I AM! COMING TO YOU! SO WHERE ARE YOU!? Where is this glory I read and hear about!??cause I have faith! But you aren't here so I am calling you out on this. HEAL ME!! For your glory! Come on already!"

April 17'th after even less sleep and even more coughing...

"God, I'm anxious. And I don't want words from you cause I'll just stress about their validity. But if you are still on my side, then please be with me at this appointment God [my OBGYN appointment]... And keep my coughing and Bp passable for the next 2 weeks. Lower my stress, raise my coping skills...I want to love you, but in your own words, actions speak louder than words, so I need some action from you... Amen."

Well, first blessing was that I DID pass my appointment and I did cough less during it and seemed to cope alright considering how little sleep I got. 

The bitter part was I was coughing way more when I got home... Like... WAY more! I almost went to the hospital again, but Curtis really stepped up and managed to help me control my asthma enough to not go in. Still, I didn't go to sleep till 2:00 AM when I took 1/4 of a gravol and slept till 3, then 3-6, followed by dozey coughing from 6-8:45... (This is actually half-decent sleep for me these days since my Asthma constantly wakes me up in my sleep every half-1 hour). 

I didn't even pray this morning... I had nothing further to say. Faith requires action by God's own words, so I was waiting for more action...

Oh I got action alright... Today Curtis was a hero and dusted our main and upper floors, sending me to his parents place to wait out the dust storm with Josiah. He worked very hard, vaccumed and washed things, etc... When I returned, there was still some dust in the air,but I decided to take another 1/4 gravol and try to nap at the same time as Josiah.  

Propping myself up with 7-8 towels, and my pillow, I was relaxing myself by having a coughing fit when I heard a "pop" and knew instantly that my already-bruised rib had popped out of place... Leaving me totally immobile, and in excruciating pain every time I needed to cough or blow my nose (two things that are impossible NOT to do right now). My spirit thought "go figure. I can't think any less of God anyway right now..." So I didn't even attempt to pray about it... I just started looking for chiropractors who are open Saturday's... They were all closed or closing within the next 20 minutes and couldn't take me... 

Side note:  I dealt with this last pregnancy, and the hospital is 100% useless with this problem... I have to go to obstetrics not regular emergency, and they don't have a clue what to do but give me pain killers... It's so uncomfortable and deflating... But this word have been my next step since the pain is NOT tolerable. 

I made one last call to a chiropractor office that didn't have hours on the webpage... This is where things began to change...

The chiropractor answered his personal cell and apologized that he couldn't help me, as he was very busy with previous engagements, but then he paused and asked me who my chiropractor was, and I told him "Dr Nachtigal".... "Actually, He's at my house right now, just a sec!... Yup! He'll meet you at his office in 20 minutes!"

...for real...random chiropractor Dr "Z__" was a friend of my chiropractor and actually used to share a practice with him. My chiro was on his way home from an intense workout and decided to pop by his buddie's for a quick adjustment. Then he was going to do some paperwork at the office for a while anyway. I happen to call the other chiropractor's office line (which he has forwarded to his personal cell so he can help out patients from medi-vans coming from up north on weekends)...

All of this was simply a "what a releif" to me, until after my adjustment when my chiropractor (whom I had forgotten was a Christian) said "you cannot deny that this was an act of God..." 

Then it hit me... God orchestrated this to show me he is present and with me and sees my needs! And WITH GRACE becuse (incase you didn't see it yoursel) my prayers were totally out of line. No more righteous than Job's...

But God, with grace, loved me. Forgave me for ignoring him and showed me with Un-deserved and un-merited grace, his faith through actions, and spoke to me through a chiropractor when I was still too calloused to see it! 

Today's prayer...

"God, I stand corrected. I am still weary and suffering and in pain and I still don't understand why, but I do understand that you have my whole world in your hands. I repent of my attitude....etc..."

We serve a great God and I hope you can give him Glory too, for what he did in me today. I am still miserable and in a great deal of pain... But I know that God has it in his hands...

Lent Devo/Media Fast Update

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I am on day 23 of 30 in my devotional, which is a five-days-a-week plan,which perfectly covers the period of time commonly known as "lent". Lent is not something I grew up celebrating, and to be honest, not something I have cared to do a lot of research into. The fact is, I think if we can devote 24 days to "advent" in preparation for celebrating Christ's birth, we ought to spend at least that much time preparing for his salvation-giving act of dieing on the cross and His victorious resurrection. THIS is why I am celebrating Lent. Whatever else it may mean, I do not know. But between me and God, it is 100% about preparing my heart to celebrate what Christ has done for me. End of story.  (This is why I don't see giving up chocolate or candy or something else is really a beneficial Lent activity... how does that bring you closer to God? I mean, if it REALLY does a heart-work in you, then all the power to ya! Otherwise, it seems like more of a way to make-light of what Christ sacrificed for us...Just my tangent thoughts.)

ANYWAY! The devotional my close friend and I are doing together is called "The Hardest 30 Days of Your Life" by Justin Lookadoo. (no not "Lucado", "Lookadoo".). It is 100% geared for high school students, and is something we also did together several times in high school... Since then, it has simply been collecting dust. But we both needed a spiritual kick-in-the-pants, so we figured, "why not?" Sure there are lots of little bits in there that require re-framing in our minds to get the content out of a high school mind-set, but the morals, lessons and teachings are all rock-solid and somewhat humbling that we ought to have these down-pat by now since we've been taught them before... The devotional has daily challenges, such as re-commitment to Christ, acts of kindness, setting up an alter, giving something away, etc... You are expected to complete EVERY challenge no matter how difficult or crazy they may seem. That's the whole idea of getting something out of the devotional.

One of those challenges is a 21 day media fast (15 days of the study, but 21 days literally). During that fast, the devotional gets you to commit to various things such as a daily prayer journal, daily bible study, scripture memorization, spending time in nature, changing your attitude etc... and it is so very refreshing!  Media fasting is a life-necessity I took away from my very first time doing this study, and I do a media fast periodically to re-set myself.  Sometimes when I get off the media fast, things simply fade back into the way they were, and sometimes I realize permanent changes that must occur. This is one of the latter not the former kinds of fast-endings... There are changes that need to be made!

One of the challenges in the devotional is to spend a 1/2 day alone with God, and then to commit to scheduling these in every-so-often afterwards. My friend and I decided to check out "Women Refreshed At The Well", which is a spiritual retreat center for women, similar to what you can do at St. Benedict's but a little more homely and women-centered. Its just off Henderson highway around Lockport. We could only book our overnight for March 27-28'th which was the closest available weekend she had (about 2.5  weeks later than the devotional asked).  So for this reason, because media-fasting shuts off so many voices in my head so I can actually hear God clearly, I have chosen to continue my media fast until after this overnight has happened.

A lot of things happen when you cut out media... I really do think it is something everyone ought to do for at least a month, at least once in their life... (because once you do it once, you will do it again in the future).. Here are some of the things I got out of it this time.

• I realized how incapable I was of relaxing without the dependency of technology. I was reliant on media to distract me from my troubles, and calm my mind. It took me over 2 weeks to learn how to simply sit at a table with my thoughts, and be content, and learn how to just sit and think and wind myself down. I know this sounds basic, but I dare you to cut out media, you will soon learn that this is an EXTREMELY COMMON trouble we have...
• I realized how little of my thoughts I actually processed. Most of my stress came from not being able to process my problems and thoughts, because I was too busy de-stressing to tv or facebook to simply sit and think...
• my blood pressure went down... yup! And I have tested it. Sitting and just thinking (even worrisome thoughts), gives me lower blood pressure than sitting and even looking at happy photos on my phone. Screens alone raise my blood pressure. So now I turn them off!!
• I lost my phone... and it didnt matter. For like 2 full days, I was actually happier and more calm than ever because I wasnt accoutnable to a device, I had nothing to check on etc... So now I just turn on my cellphone volume and leave it by the other house phones. No need to have it with me during the day. 
• Facebook does nothing good for my life at all. All it does is prevent me from actually seeing people. Think about it... if you shut down your facebook account right now, how many phone numbers would you need to collect? how many MORE people would you actually go out for coffee with simply to catch up because you couldn't snoop their life with the click of a button? This is my next move... My plan is to dis-able my facebook account permanently and to live without it, and live with real people instead.
• I could hear God's voice. That's right... It took a while, and I have had very close communion with him before in my life. still, it took that two weeks for me to calm my mind, organize my thoughts, and be able to just sit and "be still before the lord" so he could talk. And that has been glorious all on it's own! God is so amazing and will speak so much healing into your life if you allow him the time and brain space to actually SPEAK!!
• I was sick the ENTIRE time (like couldn't breathe, bed-ridden for various parts of the month) , and yet my house was never in complete chaos... like... I wasnt embarassed to have people pop by! (no it wasn't spotless or "clean", but it was generally tidy, for real!). 
• my son was happy. Remember i was sick and low energy. Yet my 2 year old was somehow more content...
• My marriage is more stable. I am someone who really takes-in the media I see. So if I would watch a romantic movie, I would subconsciously feel as though my love-life was missing this aspect of a relationship... poor Curtis got the brunt of this. I am not saying our marriage is all sunny-side-up now, but I have far more clarity and confidence into what are true areas for growth and what is just the lies Satan is planting in my mind.

so as you may have caught, i was sick...THE ENTIRE TIME. I was actually sick for LONGER than the media fast, and I am still not totally better yet. I have been sick for over 5 weeks in a row with 4 different bugs, plus exacerbated asthma. I have been on prednisone, antibiotics, herbals, blood pressure monitoring, blood sugar re-testing, new asthma meds...on top of the regulars... and all while being pregnant... and all while having very little support from my husband who was also fighting sickness and works very hard day-in-day-out and simply didnt have the extra energy available... I was in one of my dark places for sure... My anxiety was very high, and I had to make a choice... this was my "Peter, do you love me?" moment from Jesus, after I totally denied Him during Josiah's induction/first year of life trials... This was both satan trying to stop me from growing, and God's miraculous ability to use that struggle as the fires of refinement for my soul. So I had to decide whether to say "God you are cursing me again!" or to run to him and fall at the feet of His holy and perfect will for my life, no matter what it meant. It took all the strength I had, and then the Spirit's strength in me to hold on during this time.  (I count it a blessing that my breaking point is so meager... the trials some people endure for the renewing of their souls are far greater than these, I fully admit. But for me, this was a rock-bottom moment). The power of anxiety and PTSD can turn a small situation into the largest crisis in one's mind though... and this is what happened for me.  Here I was, sick, elevated blood pressure, elevated blood sugar screening test, only 27 weeks pregnant... thinking about everything I endured with Josiah after 33 weeks... wondering if my poor baby would even survive these trials... but he too (this child inside of me), needed to be surrendered to God's will. Because whether God grants me the joy of parenting this child, or simply carrying it for a time inside of me and then giving him back to God, God's will is both sovereign and good. (I have been surrounded by several 2'ed and 3'rd trimester still-births/miscarriages... just another little anxiety on the pile).

So many refining moments took place... Satan was trying to break me down, and stop me from doing this devotional plan in the first place, because he knows the Holy Spirit works when we pursue Him... But instead, all the evil one did was push me closer, make me stronger in my faith, and make me realize how weak I am apart from Christ. He failed miserably, and now I can laugh in his face, while in the protection of my savior's arms.

Trials can come at us like a harsh sun...they can melt the ice on our hearts, or harden the clay surrounding them... It's up to us how we will let the trials of this world affect us. For me, I am choosing Christ. I choose him now, and if I fail miserably in the future, I will get up and choose Him yet again, with full confidence that He will have me back. Amen...

Anyway, long story short, I have no desire for media at all. My media fast will continue likely until after easter, and I'll make a few decisions at that point. I have already gotten rid of all my apps other than the necessary ones (and the 16 silly un-deletable APPLE apps that I have hidden two screens down!!)... I imagine at that time, the decision will include de-activating my facebook account all-together,  continuing to use my phone...as a phone only (maybe even getting a dumb-phone [non-smart-phone] to drive that home! Who knows!) I'll spend time in prayer about that one. But TV is something I do not want in my life anymore at all. I am sure there will be exceptions such as social gatherings, but again, all this will be decided post-easter. For now, I am continuing in the joyful lack-of-media that has allowed me so much clarity of mind, loss of stress, and gaining of God's gracious and un-deserved presence in my life.

If you need to get a hold of me, do it for REAL!!  My phone number is 2 0 4 - 6 1 2 - 2 2 5 0 (call or text) or even an email  k r y s t a h a r d e r @ g m a i l . c o m . Lets actually SEE each other in person! I'd love to tell you what we are up to, and hear whats up in your life! But I don't need media, facebook, or a smartphone to do that. I refuse to let my mind be enslaved by these things anymore. And I refuse to invest in friendships where I am not actually worth someone's physical time. I want to be a real friend who invests energy, emotion, prayer and joy into your life, and I would love the same in return. All else, I count as loss.

LENT

I am not catholic, but I do see something un-holy about celebrating advent and not lent. Which holiday requires our hearts to be more prepared? Christ's birth or his resurrection?

Tomorrow marks the first day of lent, and although I admit, lent is something I have done ZERO research on, I beleive that taking time to prepare our hearts through discipline, ritual and sacrifice for Easter is extremely relevant and important. Christmas, we can get-away with, forgetting the meaning and making it about family or giving or any of those other things...because we still have Easter coming! But Easter, Easter is the reason for everything! Not just the reason for the season... Easter is why we are alive! It's the very core of our beliefs and the cause of wars all over our planet today... Easter is worth fighting for. Easter is worth sacrifice and discipline. 

I haven't actually decided what to do yet for lent... To be honest, I had forgotten about it until I saw a friend's Facebook post about what she was doing! 

There are lots of angles to Lent... Sacrificing something hard to give up, reading a devotional or a certain amount of scripture each day, deprivation of the body (such as cutting out an essential food group as a form of fasting and dieing to self)... Then there's the gaining angle... Increasing yourself. Researching daily, running or excerciZe or juicing or any number of "New Years resolution" type lent activities. These are all excellent things, so long as they bring you closer to God in the end, and help you celebrate Christ, not self. 

This is the tricky part for me these days. Being pregnant means two things for my faith. 1) no Ritalin 2) baby brain... Seriously this is like the perfect storm for stupidity and distractability. I swear my IQ is half of what it would have been 6-7 years ago in bible college... so I need to think this through on paper (to stay focused) and I need to decide something that is next-to-impossible to dis-connect from God. 

So I started my list of possible ideas... Intercession, bible reading, prayer journaling, encouragement notes... But my mind was like "it's not hard enough!" But without a proper commitment, they are ALLtoo hard... I reminisced back to highschool when our whole youth group participated in a study called "the hardest 30 days of your life" by justin lookadoo, which ended with a spiritual retreat. 

I did some math, and it totally works for lent, since it is a devotional where you do 5 days a week, which evens out to complete the 46 days of lent. It also leaves me a day or two to recoup and focus all that hard work into Easter weekend. 

This is a neat devotional in that it's set up like an "I dare you to attempt this" with a challenge in each devotion, that (group mentality) MUST be completed. There's a 21 day media fast, a certain style of daily prayer, a give-away of a favorite object... And many more. 

Needless to say, it will be difficult but will keep me focused! I am excited to see what can happen in my faith with a little intentional discipline.