So, bear with me, as I think out loud here. I have A.D.D. so I process
things externally, and you just happen to be privy to that! :)
I have a very addictive personality. This is partially due to the actual personality
I have and partially due to my A.D.D. When I look back at my life, it is quite seriously
a God-act that I didn’t end up addicted to drugs, or end up a prostitute.
Just a couple examples so you have some context: In elementary school, I was
THE class loser. Not "one of the" but THE loser. If you can at all
remember how harsh elementary school can be (remembering there were zero
anti-bullying initiatives...like, the principal actually allowed my brother to
punch a bully in the face in self-defense ha-ha). So I entered Jr. high with no
self esteem.... eventually ended up doing some minor self-harm in Grate 10 as a
result of my elementary school bullying... but on to Jr. high! Munroe Jr.
High...English track! (And all my teacher friends shudder...) Yup! I was a very
sheltered little Christian girl, who sat next to a drug dealer every day in
every class, and at least once a day was asked "wanna buy some
weed??" I did made a couple friends...but they were in drug-addicted
families too, not that they themselves were heavy into "using"
(yet). In early high school I made friends with an interesting crowd. One
girl (in retrospect I see) was so severely abused that she craved prostitution
and hard drugs. I learned later on that one of the guys in that group was
actually a pimp, and they all did weed (at least that’s what they did during
school hours) and didn’t attend classes at all...maybe art...
So ya! Keeping in mind how VERY impressionable I was with the ADD and very
low self-esteem; it is really God's miraculous grace that I stayed so pure
despite all of this. I had a rock-solid youth pastor which really helped, and
he brought God alive to our youth group. I also had rock-solid parents with un-wavering
values who prayed desperately for me every night, and were there to talk to
when I had questions!
But really all of that is mostly a rabbit-trail/background info... I have an
addictive personality!! And to get back to the face book issue, I put too
much merit in what others think of me (again, likely from being scarred by
bullying at a young age). And this can come out on face book. I can get very
upset at the lack of support or responses I get to a post... In the same vein,
I also "cleanse" my friends list religiously and have roughly100
friends in total... so I also bring it upon myself.... maybe it bugs me more
now, because the people I have on face book are actually the people I allow in
my life. Maybe I am more offended by their lack of interest in questions I post
or valuable news I post, because these are truly people I care about who appear
to not be bothered by caring about me... And MAYBE I am simply putting too
much weight into face book....
But here's the thing. Others take it seriously too. The way I feel is actually
a problem for many people. For example:
When I was doing one of my routine cleanses this past year, I decided to remove
ANYONE I haven’t seen or had major connection with in the past YEAR (or two,
granted I was pretty shut-in with Josiah). So off I went... "Delete"
"delete" "delete" absolutely nothing personal about
it. In fact, the opposite of personal. It was an act of "I don't really
know you anymore, and don't think you have a right to (or even want to) see
such vulnerable things such as pictures of my children, or important life
updates." Sometimes people add me back, and generally I'll
re-friend them because obviously they really want to stay connected with me.
Great! :)
One "friend" who was always more of an acquaintance, and whom I
hadn't seen or even TALKED to (online or otherwise) in over SIX YEARS,
was so offended that she sent me an angry message about it and how much she didn’t
care about me and how she was going to "un-follow" my business page
too (as if that mattered...since she hasn’t even made contact with me in six
years)... and I immediately pitied her, for caring SO MUCH about face book and
being SO ADDICTED to the number of friends she has.... I actually prayed for
her....
But then I had another emotion, anger and offense. How dare she assume she
has a RIGHT to see my personal life! HOW DARE she think she is simply
allowed to snoop into my beautiful child's life, read about my personal trials
and successes, know what my house looks like, what I do with my spare time,
when we have not even exchanged so much as a "hi" in SIX YEARS... How
dare she... This emotion was obviously a little bit stronger, and
somewhat founded I'd say. It changed my view of face book more, and I began
un-friending more people whom I didn’t think should be snooping in my life, or
whom I didn’t care for their negativity in my life. boom! Down to 80-ish
people... and I was (and still am) happy about this! Finally my face book is
actually full of FREINDS!! PEOPLE I ACTUALLY SEE and people who actually
care about my life. THESE are the people who deserve to hear my thoughts, see
photos of my child and husband and home. These are all people I would have over
to my home at the drop of a hat!
It all sounds good still right? Except it is still just face book. And my
addictive personality still wants to use it as a means of self-esteem
boosting... And although I know someone like Jen, my small group leader,
totally cares about me and prays for me and everything, she may not post much
on facebook. I see her on a very regular basis... but it's not like she
"likes" my posts or comments on them etc... because it is still just face
book... and so what ends up happening, because MANY people in my life are like
Jen, and are valuable and close to me and care about me a great deal, but don’t
put great stock into face book (which just means they are actually doing better
things with their time really! haha), I end up feeling very discouraged at the
lack of support. I end up seeing FACEBOOK as my reality! Really!? Do I REALLY
think that if I started sharing face to face with my family and friends,
something that is emotionally bothering me, that only one or two of them would
show support? NO! The reality is that every single one of them would! And my
perspective is off, because I am putting too much weight into face book when I am
not really thinking clearly. I am just addicted to the idea of easy support or
something...
I am not entirely sure how I will go about changing this, since I still see face
book as a valuable tool for communication at times... but something needs to
change in my perspective. I guess I'll just do some praying about it and allow
God to decide for me! I don’t want to become obsessed over something or
addicted to it... Like I said, I have an addictive personality which is why I
have to watch my technology intake at the best of times, or I’d easily be an
"iphone junky mom" which I don’t want... Oh well, first-steps are
still steps toward change right?
Anyway, that’s all for now!
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