Getting back into things.

I am starting to discipline myself to get into the word more and fellowship more... It's a slow but positive journey so far. It's been tricky with Josiah's feeding issues combined with my (sometimes silly) decision to pump for him, because that keeps us rather isolated. What has been neat is that this week alone, as I have been connecting with God, he has connected me to two other moms who are going through the same thing! It's a nice gesture from God, because sometimes I think I must just be the laziest mom on the planet... Especially when I sense judgement from others about my situation/our lifestyle right now. God has reminded me that this scenario (reflux plus pumping BM every three hrs) is pretty close to impossible, and IS impossible without a lot of assistance (thanks mom) and encouragement. 

As I spend more time with God, he is exposing my life to me... And so I share it with you! I am realizing more and more that I struggle with faith. I like to pray very specific requests... Like "dear god, I would like at least --- number of hrs of sleep tonight". I intentionally avoid praying for God's will cause I don't trust him... So now, I am praying more for his will.... And I kinda hate it but so far he has blessed me!

The other thing I am contemplating are spiritual gifts. The more I age, the more hind-sight I have. And in hindsight, it's pretty clear that I have always been more in tune to the spiritual world than average. My parents would chalk it up to imagination or bad dreams (and I think I would too if I wasn't in my own shoes) but when I look back, I see that things were visions, conversations with God and direct oppression.  Then in my teen years, God directly told me I was a profit (but I quickly learned everyone can be... So I just thought I was "unique like everyone else" and dismissed this). Even so, God gave me vision after vision, word after word for people. Prophetic encouragements (way too accurate for people than I should be able to encourage). Sometimes big words, sometimes little. Sometimes seemingly unimportant. But as I see it, I see God preparing me, and making me familiar with his voice and his heart. 

In my college years I learned to suppress this somewhat so as not to appear insane to my not-so-Christian placements and jobs and classmates... But behind closed doors in a house on mountain and salter, with a bunch of recovering folks of all walks of life, God tore my per-conceived notions of him apart. Prophecy was sharpened, there was anointing and hey! Why not throw tongues into the mix? (Silly God... Doesn't he know Mennonites don't believe in fairie tales like that?). 

Here's what I discovered today... (For the second time I admit, but re-discovery is part of grace)... I have a cycle in my intimacy with God. We get close. So close it's like "is that chick schizophrenic" close. Just an on-going conversation in my head with the big guy. He gives me words, encouragements and all of them prophetic, tested and proven. 

... But then the "creep" (AKA satan) steps in as a wolf in Sheeps clothing and tries to sound like God... Casting doubts, and making it all about works and having to prove myself to God and earn my salvation.

The next step in. My cycle is realizing the creep's presence... And my logical safe solution is to shut him out. Shut him and God out all together. Then at least I am not being lead by the creep. (I bury my gift from the master instead of taking a risk and using it)...we all know how that story ends. "Even what he has will be taken from him..."

Well God has placed some wise people in my life and I am making a choice today for His will. I won't shut out the spiritual world. I will trust him to take care of his sheep, guide, correct and teach me. It's okay if I look crazy to some, because the amount of good God can do far outweighs that...

Trying to get healthier, in more ways than one

So a couple things... Well a bunch really, that I have come to realize since bring a mom

1) I am a very selfish person

2) I love food way too much

3) I suck at Christianity 

4) kids are a lot of work (at least the cute ones are)

1) ... It's coming out more now it seems because with the sheer exhaustion of motherhood, there's no burying your bad personality traits. They just come full force. One of the biggest ways I am selfish is about sleep. If I don't get enough I act like my whole world is caving in around me. I mean, sleep is healthy, but clearly women have survived on no sleep for centuries. I need to get over it!  I am selfish in many other ways. Having your first kid, and making the transition from "it's all about me" to "it's all about this baby" has been very slow and gradual. In fact, I am not 100% there I am embarrassed to say. It's still something I am working on. But being able to admit that this is a problem is already a step in the right direction. I will just keep on working at it. 

2) part of that selfishness is in food. Man, no one prepared me for the ferocious cravings of lactation, or all the emotional eating that accompanies a hard-to-feed baby... (If its a rough feed I deserve a consolation prize... If he pukes, automatic cheat snack time... If he does well then I deserve a reward)... I also love cooking and baking, but that leaves me with a lot of excess food laying around... I want to start seeing food as fuel instead of as my therapist. In fact, God should be my therapist. 

3) I don't seem to trust the big guy anymore after what I have been through. (Not gonna type it out again, go see blog posts from jan/feb if you want to know). And then this reflux thing (which, in my reading and research, has lead to significant suicidal ideation in several moms) plus he just hated latching (which I obviously took personally). The decision to pump after every fees left me with even less sleep, and hey! God couldn't have dispersed these issues among several babies/pregnancies? Come on now!!! So ya... I haven't exactly been reading the bible or prayer journaling. And you know what? That sucks. I am falling apart without him. I have every reason not to trust him and yet I am nothing without him. So this is something I am working on now... I crack open the word at least once a week (mind blowing I know) and a couple times a month hear a sermon (either at church if God allows us sleep and times Josiah's feeds right) or on podcast... Still, I miss real Christian fellowship... Spontaneous prayer outbursts, encouraging rebuke, prophecy...

Anyway, I haven't written in a while and I thought I would update the world. Sorry it isn't more positive, I don't get out much because Josiah is hard to feed out and about (and I have to pump every three waking hrs to keep up my supply... Never again I say...) so I am sure the isolation gets to me too... I don't think it is post partum cause I am also easily encouraged and I don't feel hopeless or depressed. I am just in a frustrating season and I wish it would change soon.