I think out loud

The title is a strange concept to people who think in their heads I've noticed... For those who can't comprehend this, in order for me to actualize something it needs to be outward. That's why I have about a thousand spiritual journals. That's why I underline in my bible, and sing songs, and talk to God like a crazy person, and hear from him in my heart, and have to talk with people and write things out etc...

Now! My dearest beloved husband thinks in his head... which honestly is astounding to me...seriously, I CAN'T do it. So when we're having a conversation and I'm talk-thinking (as I have decided to call it) Curtis just gets so frustrated because I'm not making sense or it's a "how do you know that!?" and I say "I DON'T!" Haha it's pretty funny anyway...

Sometimes, I tell myself I'm normal and I can process in my head. So then I stop journaling, stop writing out my assessments at work, etc... what happens? all that happens is I stop growing in my faith, my cases plateau, I start making dumb choices in life etc...

It's as if sometimes I am in denial that I have ADHD or something...but let me tell you, being pregnant and off my Ritalin... oh BOY do I have ADHD....
I did a personality profile tool at work where you answer lie...240 questions, and it spits out your character trates...There are 24 of them and it lists them in order of MOST like me to LEAST like me... well, my strong ones?
- Spirituality, Appreciation of beauty, Curiosity, Zest, Bravery, Love, creativity etc... you get the point...
My weak ones? hah! all the ones I need for work... Bottom of the list were:
- Judgement, fairness, prudence, leadership, love of learning, humility, self-regulation etc... haha

Oh boy... and I showed this to my supervisor and he didn't fire me! Go GOD go!

Anyway, it was a good reality check for me. Sometimes it's easy to tell yourself you're something when you're not. But I decided to approach this learning exercise with brutal honesty. I answered the questions not as "what I would LIKE to think, or would be ideal" but instead where I'm actually at.

And where I'm at is VERY different from where I was even a few months ago when I wasn't pregnant... Eg: My Judgement score would've been way higher a few months ago. So would prudence and even love of learning.

MEH! Such is life! I'll just roll with it I guess.