Oh Baby!

Well I have had an eventful Maternity Leave so far!  I thought I'd get a nice 1.5-2 months off to prepare for baby... hah!

I started my mat-leave on December 24'th so we had all the business of christmas. then My Mat-leave OFFICIALLY started on the 28'th (had some vacation days in there).

I went to my regularly scheduled Obstetrical appointment, where my bloodpressure (BP) was 150 over 90 (very high). My doctor sent me to St. Boniface Hospital for some testing as it was a friday and she required blood/urine test results back ASAP given my high BP. When I arrived, all the nurses freaked out because my BP was so high (Apparently a person can seizure with BP that high) and they admitted me overnight for monitoring and medicating (as well as a wonderful 24 hr urine test...). Wow! Aweful time! By the time I left my BP was in the 140's over 88... still high, but not bad! They set me up with home-care where a nurse visits me every day and teaches me how to track my own BP 4 times a day. Seems okay right? WRONG!! IT'S AN EVIL TRICK!

So I go home get 11 hrs sleep, wake up 3 lbs lighter than I was a week ago (lost a bunch of retained water) and the Nurse shows up. The nice nurse lady comes, and is showing me the machine. As we do the first reading while she's explaining it, she shows me a pamphlet that says "if your blood pressure reaches 150/100, then please proceed to your nearest hospital" Almost immediately after, the little machine finished checking mine... "156/102".... UGH!! That's HIGHER than my original BP at the doctor's office when I wasn't on ANY BP medication. How does that make any sense to anyone?? (i'm paranoid and convinced the meds are increasing my BP vicariously somehow)

Of course, she had to admit me back to St B.... So I spent last night in the hospital too. My medical dose is now quite a bit higher, much closer to the maximum dosage they would give me before having to just induce me. The doctors have said that they will likely induce me in 3-5 weeks due to the blood pressure.

I left the hospital with my BP in the 130's/low 90's... At home now it's about 142/92. Soooo cloose...that ALONE will be enough stress to raise my BP... Knowing I might have to go back...

And the worst part is, in the Hospital I don't sleep properly, the lights are all fluorescent and give me a headache (which they magically associate as a blood pressure headache, even though I don't get them at home)... and the food is crap and I have to share a room, and the nurses march in at all hours of the night to check my blood pressure, whip off my shirt and listen to baby's heartbeat then tell me to "relax" so my BP goes down!!! Not terribly effective if you ask me... No thanks. I'd rather be on bed-rest at home.

This is all very frustrating, but the most frustrating is that there's really nothing I can do about it. Diet changes do not work with pregnancy-induced BP issues. The only thing I'm going to give a shot to, was suggested by our Doula. She suggests an increased Protien-Sodium diet because the high BP in pregnancy is related to the higher demand for blood. I don't have enough blood, so my heart has to work harder to pump the blood around. The idea is to eat healthy protiens/sodium every hour, accompanied by a balanced diet. This is supposed to help increase your blood volume, therfore lowering the blood pressure. VERY wierd, and VERY counter-intuative, but at this point I have nothing to lose!

The other "most" frustrating part, is my baby is almost guaranteed to be a preemie now, and I can't help but feel like its my fault. I know there's nothing I could've done since being pregnant (Except exercise less actually... and how could I have known that?), but I started this pregnancy unhealthy and that probably is the only contributing factor other than genetics and this particular baby's placenta's will for me to have high blood pressure.

So anyway, your prayers are appreciated. God is a God of the impossible and he CAN lower my Blood pressure and keep this (His) little baby safe and growing for a few weeks longer. Please pray that God will work this miracle in my life.

Thanks!

heritage

For some reason, I woke up this morning thinking about my family heritage. It started with little things like:
- my life seems far more practicle and less cluttered than I thought. What do I do with all my inherited mis-matched china bits? I can't throw them out, but I don't know when I'd use them...

And that got me thinking to how I aquired that china... after my grandma Dueck's death... I rmeember being in Junior High and our whole family (her five children and their families) all in her living room squabbling over who got what.... as i think back, she was flippin rich! Marble coffee table and end tables, enough china sets for each of her three grand daughters and three daughters to attain a complete set, plus split a few sets among themselves... sliver tea sets (multiple) and serving sets, and the list goes on and on...

I have one uncle in particular that made this event stressful and all about money... it bothered me then and it bother's me now, becuase he STILL doesn't talk to us because he think's someone is hiding a massive fortune somewhere. I don't know what his deal is. He got all the big expensive stuff anyway cause we were all frustrated with him...

But then I got to thinking. What does he know about my grandma? Not alot... I know how she bakes, how she gardens. I know why she had so many friends and who she helped selflessly. I know what made her laugh, relax and made her blood boil. I know where she used to paint a line of nail polish on all her tea cups. I know which were her favorites. I know what her different (very very loud) snores mean--how asleep she was etc...

and maybe thats what was so wierd for me at her funeral... (she wasn't snoring! haha)

But beyond that, I know what she did in the past... as far as I'm concerned she should be sainted, and yet I (as a social worker) am ashamed of some things she has done. She was a selfless helper, but she also helped with residential schools as a dorm parent. I know she was a good one, and her students loved her as I do. They even wrote her letters for many years after the school burned down.

My grandma was russian. She came to canada as a little girl. Her and my grandpa were married and poor and opened a little store and became affluent through hard work and giving spirits...

Which brings me to my DAD'S family... Also Russian, but 2'ed generation Canadians, and poor. In fact, my dad grew up in the north end (when it wasn't so bad as it is now of course). My grandpa was a trucker and a VERY hard worker. My grandma was a penny pincher and one of the most un-waivering Christians I know. (very Mennonite, but very firm in her beliefs). They also worked very hard, but never managed to make it up the social ladder. My inheritance from my grandma are pillow cases and napkins bleached and embroidered out of old flour sacks, and they are absolutely beautiful. My china from her is very worn (because she didn't have as much to use) and most likely bought at a second hand store. No full sets. She was also a selfless woman and a hard worker. I used to tag along with her to MCC quilting conventions, and play around in the store while she quilted for relief efforts.

I remember wanting a necklace one time that was 9 cents... I think I had 3 pennies in my pocket, so I went upstairs and asked my grandma for 9 cents for this necklace. she looked at me, and then in her purse. and with genuine pride, pulled out a dime and said "tell them they can keep the change!".. My eyes were wide with surprise (she was a serious penny pincher) and she (and the other ladies) laughed.

What's even more interesting is when my parents met and started dating... My grandmpa Dueck, instead of criticizing where my dad was coming from, and how he would provide for my mother, he did something unique. He didn't worry and judge my dad for being in a different social class... instead he took my dad on his shoulders and mentored him. My dad was going to be a trucker like my grandpa Klassen, but not if Grandpa dueck had anything to say about it. Now my Dad supervises
bio-safety at canada's largest virology lab here in Winnipeg, as some kind of mechanical engineer (i dont really understand it all... but I'm proud of him! :)

I think that's a unique story... especially now that we're pregnant with our first son!  What if he brought home someone I'd consider a CFS client? Would I, instead of judging her, take her on my shoulders and mentor her to be the kind of wife I want for my son? Just an interesting thought. It's harder than it sounds in a nice little story.

Anyway... Maybe you didn't care to hear my family history, but to me it's important, and I needed to process it a bit. I definately miss my grandma Dueck, and I think that's what spurred all this on.   I was the youngest grandchild (so the favorite obviously!) and she never saw me get married, never going to see our little boy... and its sad to me. But I can take something away from my time with her (and my other grandma too). Being selfless and doing for others will always pay off and be the best choice over "looking out for number one". "self-care" is no way to live. Selfless care is the way to live. See, they forgot a few letters in that concept. Self-LESS. this world needs LESS self care and more selfLESS care of others....

Interesting, that this is what I get out of all of this...

Mark Chapter 3

Our church is doing this sermon series called "50 Shades of Grey"... obviously a controversial title for a church sermon. The point of the title was based on a story our pastor read about a hotel, where the Gidian Bible was taken out of hotel rooms and replaced with copies of the popular book "50 Shades of Grey" that can only be described as female pornography in it's grossest form (in my opinion...this is based on summaries as I refuse to read that book). Anyway, Todd (my pastor) decided that we are living in a post-biblical age. We read more books ABOUT the bible, then we do actually reading the bible. ...So he decided to challenge us to read a chapter a day for the next 33 or 66 days! He calls them "rout 33" and "rout 66". He picked specific books.

I'm doing Route 33 on my own, and Route 66 with Curtis (although we really suck at remembering!)
Today on Route 33 I read Mark 3 and saw something interesting...
It's a chapter all about Jesus preaching to people. As soon as he's done with one group, another gathers and so on so on... at one point him and his disciples manage to get to a house to relax and finally eat something that day (later in the day I imagine as I read...not sure though).

Of course people start gathering. When Jesus's family hears about this, they say "He is out of his mind" (Mark 3:22) and start going to that house to help him get some privacy. When they arrive, someone tells jesus his family was there....But his response is not only rude, but suprising for someone who respects his father and mother. He says "Who are my mother and brothers?" (Mark 3:33). He goes on to say "whoever does God's will is my brother and sister and mother" (Mark 3:35).

It just hit me...that Jesus would actually dis-own his parents in order to share his wisdom with just ONE more group of people. He publicly dis-owned his family in that moment. Today people would be like "meh!" but can you imagine how significant that was back then?

That's how much our faith should mean to us... If we want to be like Jesus, then his Father's will exceeds EVERYTHING. Even family... Even a spouse! It's so easy to justify that God commands us about our families so we put their needs ahead of our "desires"...but if your desire is to follow God, and his will, and their desire is more selfish (EVEN if your family is a God-following family)... YOU NEED to choose God over them... (i am preaching to myself too)...

I think out loud

The title is a strange concept to people who think in their heads I've noticed... For those who can't comprehend this, in order for me to actualize something it needs to be outward. That's why I have about a thousand spiritual journals. That's why I underline in my bible, and sing songs, and talk to God like a crazy person, and hear from him in my heart, and have to talk with people and write things out etc...

Now! My dearest beloved husband thinks in his head... which honestly is astounding to me...seriously, I CAN'T do it. So when we're having a conversation and I'm talk-thinking (as I have decided to call it) Curtis just gets so frustrated because I'm not making sense or it's a "how do you know that!?" and I say "I DON'T!" Haha it's pretty funny anyway...

Sometimes, I tell myself I'm normal and I can process in my head. So then I stop journaling, stop writing out my assessments at work, etc... what happens? all that happens is I stop growing in my faith, my cases plateau, I start making dumb choices in life etc...

It's as if sometimes I am in denial that I have ADHD or something...but let me tell you, being pregnant and off my Ritalin... oh BOY do I have ADHD....
I did a personality profile tool at work where you answer lie...240 questions, and it spits out your character trates...There are 24 of them and it lists them in order of MOST like me to LEAST like me... well, my strong ones?
- Spirituality, Appreciation of beauty, Curiosity, Zest, Bravery, Love, creativity etc... you get the point...
My weak ones? hah! all the ones I need for work... Bottom of the list were:
- Judgement, fairness, prudence, leadership, love of learning, humility, self-regulation etc... haha

Oh boy... and I showed this to my supervisor and he didn't fire me! Go GOD go!

Anyway, it was a good reality check for me. Sometimes it's easy to tell yourself you're something when you're not. But I decided to approach this learning exercise with brutal honesty. I answered the questions not as "what I would LIKE to think, or would be ideal" but instead where I'm actually at.

And where I'm at is VERY different from where I was even a few months ago when I wasn't pregnant... Eg: My Judgement score would've been way higher a few months ago. So would prudence and even love of learning.

MEH! Such is life! I'll just roll with it I guess.

New life

Life has been moving at a rediculous pace lately (hence no blogging). And now I'm on my break at work, so I have a few minutes. Not sure if you're up to date, I work at Child and Family Services as a social worker in my home town. My husband recently started his own construction company, and we bought a house last summer and are living in rennovations! Oh! And I'm 14.5 weeks pregnant (Due Feb 2 2013). So lets just say life is moving along nicely!

Spiritually? Well, the spiritual care challenge went out the window for sure. And being so busy, God's not THAT important right? Ugh... But his Grace continues to persevere. It blows my mind. He's teaching me love. Seems like I should know that by now, but I don't. I still think I need to earn it. I still think if I do something wrong, He'll remove his favor from me, but it's not true. God's son died so I could ALWAYS be in his favor! He'll never send a flood, he'll never force me into exile, there is no "unforgivable" sin... as if he isn't big enough to forgive us. I say all this, and I know it intellectually. But when I neglect my faith, or deliberately do something God tells me not to, I still feel as though He's going to burn me.... And right now, that fear is a mis-carraige. This baby's life is in God's hands, and He has told me this kid's His kid. So I KNOW he won't go back on his word and make me mis-carry. That's the thoughts of Satan, but it's hard none the less....

Something else interesting? I have an older aboriginal client, who was in residential school, and has totally risen above it. This woman doesn't need CFS, she should be a freaking elder for her people. Anyway, I had a beautiful opportunity to let her share, then I shared about how my Grandmother worked in a residential school (It kills me inside to know this). You might think that would be an awkward moment, but it wasn;t. It was a beautiful one of healing for both of us....

Well that's it for now. Till next time!

day one of spiritual care challenge

Monday: Make a list of every way you can think of that God revealed Himself to people in the Bible. In what ways has He revealed Himself to you before? Ask Him how He's revealing Himself to you now. Remember that God is the source of creativity and He never runs out of ways to work in our lives. If you want to challenge your concept with God, I encourage you to listen to the sermon “Living under an open heaven” by Patricia King that you can find here: http://www.heburnsforme.com/Patricia_King.html

How did God reveal himself in the bible? hmmm... in clouds, thunderous voices, a hand on a wall, a still small whisper, anointing, through prophets words, through dreams, through visions, through instructing actions, through object lessons, he walked with Adam and eve, He walked as Jesus, and Jesus made people commit to him before he would tell them out-right who he was. God came as a dove in the spirit, he was a loud voice from the heavens, a bright light. God came and descended as ancient elders on a mountain with Jesus. The spirit came in tongues of fire, through visions as well as inspired writings. God revealed himself through angels in the old and new testament, and as a "messenger" in the old testament.

God reveals himself to me now through visions, a still small voice, instructions and object lessons, daily conversations. God reveals himself through his word, through his creation, through his children/followers. God reveals himself in songs and stories, and through people's testimonies. God reveals himself through prophecy and dreams to me.