I just finished reading a very informative article that I highly suggest anyone read, especially if they have areas of their life where they find themselves either over-reacting, or unable to "adult"in situations.
I have to be honest, it's 4 in the morning and i've been up for around an hour, and was pretty restless all night prior to that... But the question my current pregnancy insomnia has decided to tackle is, why do I feel like a child inside so often? Why do I feel like i'm having such a hard time growing up?
There could be many reasons really, and they may all have some partial truths to them. For one thing, I have adult ADHD. For another thing, I married young, and I married Mr Right (sorry ladies, he's gone now!). My husband is far more mature and responsible and wise than I am, and perhaps in comparison, I simply feel more immature than I truly am for my age? But then, I am 30... So... I ought to be fully "adulting" by now. :)
If you have some time, click the hyperlink in my first paragraph and give that article a read. But a quick synopsis for those who (like me) have readers ADHD and can't be bothered to read things past a couple paragraphs (then why are you reading my rambling blog!? ;)... Basically the article supposes that we all have areas in our lives where we have childhood conflicts or issues that we never fully resolved. This can lead us to over-react in situations.
Eg: A co-worker snags a pen off your desk, cause they ran out, and need to take a phone message. You walk in, see your favorite pen missing and have an all-out flip-out over it... Internally though you've actually gone back to that time you were 8 years old, and big-Bobby stole your precious lunch treats and made you feel worthless for it. In the present day situation, you may have over-reacted, or you may have simply piped up "who has my pen?" and remedied the situation. But internally, however you reacted externally, you are well-aware that you're reactions are not those of your adult self... There's an anger or anxiety there about a simple pen, that shouldn't be there, and you understandably feel that your feelings are childish.
So in the article he discusses how to try and remedy these situations by using a "dear younger me" kind of idea. Trying to visualise your younger self, what age you are, what you're wearing, where you were... and approach your younger self, with photos of you along the journey. Show your inner child how you've grown up. how you've learned to deal with bullies, or controlling people, etc... (just continuing to use the same example there). Until your inner child relinqueshes their hold over that particular aspect of your life.
Anyways, I really like this concept! It gives me a bit of hope! I was a heavily bullied child. Runt-of-the-class kinda bullied until well into highschool when I finally made a few close friends and found my groove. I was also raised in a very conservative home. Loving, but conservative and strict about those values (and the judgement to follow if values were broken). In addition, I was raised by a (very loving) mother who had both Hypothyroid and ADHD herself. And all that this entailed in her own "i'm only human" mothering journey. My adult self can look back and see these as matter-of-fact. but when things trigger the child parts of me that arent resolved, then I think I go right back to being an irresponsible child, throw my hands in the air, and let someone else figure it out. Or, like any pitifully bullied child does who has no alternatives, I highly over-react. Both toward others and toward myself.
So this concept of actually talking to my inner self, is a good one for me, and I'm gonna start trying to do that a bit more.Because it affects two of the most important areas of my life. My marraige and my relationship with my children.
Specifically with my children, I have lost sleep many times over the fact that my children generally arent safe to be vulnerable with me. They mostly do that with their dad. This is ironic since i'm the more touchy-feely parent. But the reality is, my adhd makes me pretty impatient, and I need to learn to identify those triggers of "brush it off" before they occur. Also, My mother (also ADHD) did the same with me. So it's instinctive to my parenting style to simply "not have time for this right now" in basically any situation. So, despite my own distractions, I'm also in a situation of staring at my kids, and (without realizing it) re-creating my own childhood hurts of "mommy can you ____ with me" followed by some kind of "I dont have time for this" rejection. (and again, this isn't about my mom. She did her best, and loved me to bits! She just wasn't as strong in the quality time/words of affirmation areas of the love language). In the times in my life where I was rejected by my mom, I would feel hurt and angry. And so when my own children push and insist and persevere with their requests, I begin to feel somehow personally attacked inside. I become very short and angry with them. "GO FIND SOMETHING TO DO!" Etc... and I push them away in a much harsher way that I was myself as a child. both perpetuating the parenting flaw I received (and I imagine my mom also recieved as a child, being kid #6).
All this leads me to think of 10 years down the road, once my kids have learned to not come to mommy with their problems, and they begin to have very REAL problems, and feel they can't approach me. I don't know a single parent who would say "i dont want my kid to talk to me about their issues"... and yet, somehow I can end up training this exact phrase into my kids heads, by not caring about how their lego wont stick together, or how the bandaid isn't on quite right, or not diffusing their own qualms properly, or getting sick of the "why" questions, or saying "no" too many times to "will you play with me?" "will you push me on the swing?" "can you make a craft with me?"
Granted, I feel extra guilty right now cause i'm pregnant (and emotional), and overly tired at all times and somewhat incapable of providing quality time to any living creature! But as a general concept, I feel hopeful, that I can re-visit my childhood self, and teach her about both how she grew up, and about how her mother loved her deeply, despite her own shortcomings. And perhaps as I do that, I can take things a step further and teach my kids how to be vulnerable with me, by giving them a window into my vulnerabilities instead of just reacting most times...
it's a pretty big concept. One that needs a lot of intentional journaling time on my part or perhaps some therapy instead if I cant mantain enough focus to make progress on my own. But A good concept to help me move forward as a wife and mother, and learn how to "grow up" in a lot of different areas of my life.
