Outer adult, inner child

I just finished reading a very informative article that I highly suggest anyone read, especially if they have areas of their life where they find themselves either over-reacting, or unable to "adult"in situations.

I have to be honest, it's 4 in the morning and i've been up for around an hour, and was pretty restless all night prior to that... But the question my current pregnancy insomnia has decided to tackle is, why do I feel like a child inside so often? Why do I feel like i'm having such a hard time growing up?

There could be many reasons really, and they may all have some partial truths to them. For one thing, I have adult ADHD. For another thing, I married young, and I married Mr Right (sorry ladies, he's gone now!). My husband is far more mature and responsible and wise than I am, and perhaps in comparison, I simply feel more immature than  I truly am for my age? But then, I am 30... So... I ought to be fully "adulting" by now. :)

If you have some time, click the hyperlink in my first paragraph and give that article a read. But a quick synopsis for those who (like me) have readers ADHD and can't be bothered to read things past a couple paragraphs (then why are you reading my rambling blog!? ;)... Basically the article supposes that we all have areas in our lives where we have childhood conflicts or issues that we never fully resolved. This can lead us to over-react in situations.

 Eg: A co-worker snags a pen off your desk, cause they ran out, and need to take a phone message. You walk in, see your favorite pen missing and have an all-out flip-out over it... Internally though you've actually gone back to that time you were 8 years old, and big-Bobby stole your precious lunch treats  and made you feel worthless for it.  In the present day situation, you may have over-reacted, or you may have simply piped up "who has my pen?" and remedied the situation. But internally, however you reacted externally,  you are well-aware that you're reactions are not those of your adult self... There's an anger or anxiety there about a simple pen,  that shouldn't be there, and you understandably feel that your feelings are childish.

So in the article he discusses how to try and remedy these situations by using a "dear younger me" kind of idea. Trying to visualise your younger self, what age you are, what you're wearing, where you were... and approach your younger self, with photos of you along the journey. Show your inner child how you've grown up. how you've learned to deal with bullies, or controlling people, etc... (just continuing to use the same example there). Until your inner child relinqueshes their hold over that particular aspect of your life.

Anyways, I really like this concept! It gives me a bit of hope! I was a heavily bullied child. Runt-of-the-class kinda bullied until well into highschool when I finally made a few close friends and found my groove. I was also raised in a very conservative home. Loving, but conservative and strict about those values (and the judgement to follow if values were broken). In addition, I was raised by a (very loving) mother who had both Hypothyroid and ADHD herself. And all that this entailed in her own "i'm only human" mothering journey. My adult self can look back and see these as matter-of-fact. but when things trigger the child parts of me that arent resolved, then I think I go right back to being an irresponsible child, throw my hands in the air, and let someone else figure it out. Or, like any pitifully bullied child does who has no alternatives, I highly over-react. Both toward others and toward myself.

So this concept of actually talking to my inner self, is a good one for me, and I'm gonna start trying to do that a bit more.Because it affects two of the most important areas of my life. My marraige and my relationship with my children.

Specifically with my children, I have lost sleep many times over the fact that my children generally arent safe to be vulnerable with me. They mostly do that with their dad. This is ironic since i'm the more touchy-feely parent. But the reality is, my adhd makes me pretty impatient, and I need to learn to identify those triggers of "brush it off" before they occur. Also, My mother (also ADHD) did the same with me. So it's instinctive to my parenting style to simply "not have time for this right now" in basically any situation. So, despite my own distractions, I'm also in a situation of staring at my kids, and (without realizing it) re-creating my own childhood hurts of "mommy can you ____ with me" followed by some kind of "I dont have time for this" rejection. (and again, this isn't about my mom. She did her best, and loved me to bits! She just wasn't as strong in the quality time/words of affirmation areas of the love language). In the times in my life where I was rejected by my mom, I would feel hurt and angry. And so when my own children push and insist and persevere with their requests, I begin to feel somehow personally attacked inside. I become very short and angry with them. "GO FIND SOMETHING TO DO!" Etc... and I push them away in a much harsher way that I was myself as a child. both perpetuating the parenting flaw I received (and I imagine my mom also recieved as a child, being kid #6).

All this leads me to think of 10 years down the road, once my kids have learned to not come to mommy with their problems, and they begin to have very REAL problems, and feel they can't approach me. I don't know a single parent who would say "i dont want my kid to talk to me about their issues"... and yet, somehow I can end up training this exact phrase into my kids heads, by not caring about how their lego wont stick together, or how the bandaid isn't on quite right, or not diffusing their own qualms properly, or getting sick of the "why" questions, or saying "no" too many times to "will you play with me?" "will you push me on the swing?" "can you make a craft with me?"

Granted,  I feel extra guilty right now cause i'm pregnant (and emotional), and overly tired at all times and somewhat incapable of providing quality time to any living creature! But as a general concept, I feel hopeful, that I can re-visit my childhood self, and teach her about both how she grew up, and about how her mother loved her deeply, despite her own shortcomings. And perhaps as I do that, I can take things a step further and teach my kids how to be vulnerable with me, by giving them a window into my vulnerabilities instead of just reacting most times...

it's a pretty big concept. One that needs a lot of intentional journaling time on my part or perhaps some therapy instead if  I cant mantain enough focus to make progress on my own. But A good concept to help me move forward as a wife and mother, and learn how to "grow up" in a lot of different areas of my life.

A little bit about my ADULT ADHD

So my ADHD... I love it, and I have fun with it! But sometimes it gets me in trouble!  When people don't understand me or my heart, I come across like a very different person than family and friends know me to be. What's sometimes frustrating for me is that I can't always help people understand who I am, and what role my ADHD plays in that.   Sometimes it even makes me frustrated because of the huge mis-perception of ADHD that is out there, as a blanket excuse for lack-of-discipline or laziness, or as a crutch for other personality flaws...

ADHD isn't a crutch, or an excuse or fake. It's real. And it's part of who I am... And because of that, I like to ramble on about my ADHD in an educational/self-awareness way every-so-often to help those in my life who may not be on the "inside circle" of this lovely ADHD, gain deeper understanding!

I like to think of ADHD as my personality type... It just happens to be a personality type that is more researched than the average personality! I can read a textbook and feel like it was written by a fortune teller who already knew about my entire life! lol! Lucky me, sucks to be you ;) hehe!

MY ADHD DIAGNOSIS

Sometimes when I try and bring up that ADHD is a part of my life and not an excuse, people think I'm being sarcastic. But no, it's as a legitimate fact. I was diagnosed in grade 6, after almost failing 2 grades of elementary school, and being the class runt/butt of every joke. Yup! The whole psychiatric process. A funny man leaning over me in class... an empty desk with nothing to fidget with (except the crack in my desk-top which i ran my finger across 100% of the time), sitting in an office with flash cards, building things, IQ tests, etc... the works! I had above average intelligence (motherhood took care of eliminating that one lol!), which ruled out several other possibilities. It turned out, that I have ADHD (back then, diagnosed as ADD, but now it's ADHD-inattentive type)! My parents, (God bless them) decided not to medicate me, but instead turned their lives sideways to change our routines, educate my teachers (Cause it wasn't as well known 20 years ago), provide outlettes for me, and add the extra hours (and hours) of help with homework at home to keep me caught up! I'm sure it was NOT an easy journey for them! But I am very grateful to have learned coping techniques as opposed to reliance on medication. However, when I hit my 3'rd year of college, my husband and I discussed our circumstances, and decided it was time for me to try medication (or risk, not getting my social work degree). And it made such a difference. NEVER had I been able to sit through an hour long class and retain every-single-word! I could sit in church and tell you all the points the pastor preached on. I didn't get mood swings as badly because my brain was focused and concentrated, lowering my anxieties and insecurities. It was a night-and-day difference.

ADHD doesn't go away when a kid grows up. It's the way a person's brain functions. You can't grow out of ADHD. It just looks different. It looks like doing poorly at work. It looks like career hopping. It looks like several failed marriages. It looks like making poor financial choices or impulsive decisions... Those are all ADHD. The adult version. It's real, it's a struggle, but it's also just who I am.

And generally, I am accommodating of genuine ignorance about ADHD. If people don't know, they just don't know. So let's give you guys some science! :)


SOME SCIENCE FOR YOU!

What I'd like to do right now, is give you a crash-course on the science behind my ADHD :)

Above is a diagram of a brain's neurons. These are the little body parts we have that send and recieve messages in the brain! :) yay for that!! Now, in the close up, you'll notice the tiny orange balls (we'll call them "fred") making a leap across the gap between one neuron to the next. In the average person, Fred works just fine. He's been doing his HIIT training, loves cliff jumping and does the job of sprinting and jumping from neuron to neuron just fine! He delivers his messages, and the case is closed!You learn things, you breathe, you react, you stay awake etc... tada! Well in someone with ADHD, Fred is sluggish. Maybe he's short, or busted his ankle or something. Fred simply doesnt always have what it takes to cross the gap! The gap jump, in more scientific terms is called a "Synapse". And it's almost identical to a static shock occurance. When you rub a balloon on your head, and then go to touch someone... sometimes the shock will JUMP from your finger tip to their sweater even before you've touched them all the way! :) this is what a synapse does.

So in my brain, not all the synapses are occuring. As a result, when you compare a brain scan of a normal brain to an ADHD brain, there are significant measurable differences as seen below! :)

 Notice, the ADHD brain IS NOT the one all fired up and going nuts... the normal brain is. ADHD does not OVER stimulate the brain, it under-stimulates it. As a result of the communications not working properly in the brain, We lose focus, we get wrestless. we get moody, sometimes depressed or anxious. things just arent always working properly up there! It comes across as having "too much energy" but really, we are using our bodies to try and wake-up the brain, and stimulate it! (for example, doing exercise is proven to be just as effective as medication in some ADHD patients, because it stimulates dopamine and adrenaline which then stimulates higher brain function).

And so, there are ways we self-medicate sometimes... Some people use Marijuana. This is actually highly un-effective. Though it seems to calm the person down, it does so by CONTINUING to slow down the brain. So it doesn't solve the problem. It's more like  tylenol for a fever, than a medication. Some people use coffee or chocolate (oh yes baby!!) and these are actually affective! Coffee and cocoa powder both have caffine, which is a STIMULANT! So where the average person may drink an espresso and get jittery, someone with ADHD will suddenly have a higher rate of those synapses occuring, they will focus, and become alert, and CALM DOWN. They wont fidget so much, they'll work better etc... Matcha, and yarba also fall into this category of self medication.

Exercise is also self-medication. And a highly effective one with many other health benefits!Most times, self-medicating is poo-poo'ed in the medical world, because it can become substance abuse and turn into addctions (ADHD'ers have highly addictive personalities), But no one minds if you get addicted to exercise! :)

My last piece that's  textbook-ey, is the difference between inattentive type and hyperactive types of ADHD.... well... it's my two kids basically! haha! (If you know them and think for about ten seconds you'll agree with me! lol!)

you might as well just put "Josiah" above column one and "sammy" above column two! Lol! It's true, i'm about 95% sure I've passed on this dear trait to both my kids... (it's okay though, the world needs more spice and flavor to it!). Although I certainly do waffle between the two types, I tend to be in the inattentive type! I have learned some coping techniques though. So while most of my RECENT friends may see me as very organized and a bit of a planner type person, this is not natural. If I don't plan, I dont remember things...end of story...


I have come to terms with MY ADHD. I know how I work, and function, and I know my short-comings. I've accepted them head-on, and I work around them, surrounding myself (or at least trying to) with people who make up for my short-comings. For example, I was attracted to my exact opposite, in a spouse. As a result, I have a highly disciplined, self-controlled, focused husband who has excellent discernment... He is the yin to my yang. And we've somehow figured out how to do this quite well lately! (Grace of God).

SOME PERSONAL LIFE STORIES FOR YOU!

So now i'd like to take some time to expand in a self-awareness way, about how the ADHD I was diagnosed with as a child, manifests itself in my adult life.

Sometimes when I try and explain to people that "I speak without thinking" or "I think out loud". They don't believe me  for some reason... no really, it's true! What i'm saying is EXACTLY what I'm thinking! There's no under-laying thoughts happening there. I'm processing it to-your-face... Some people (including king solomon) would describe people like me as a "fool". And believe me, i'm well aware of that! :) In fact, i'm proud of it, since most of Jesus's disciples were also fools! haha!

Somehow I think people should like this trait about me really... especially anyone who might get stressed in social dynamics... What you see, is what you get with me. How I act around you, isn't an act. I can't act lol! there's no behind-the-scenes judgement going on. If I judge you, i'll be dumb enough to blurt it to your face! haha! (and I try not to be judgemental at all, since I know I have more shortcomings than most people).  It's all straight-up how I feel!

Another part of living in the moment, is that I assess others the same way (usually mistakenly). If you never crack a smile around me, i'll assume you hate me. If you're kind, or smile or laugh a lot, I assume that "we're cool" and friends and all is well... If you call me out on stuff, I'll apologize (and be thankful for the input!) and change my ways. This-is-freaking-me! And most of the time, it works well for me! But when someone tells me about something that's been bothering them, I promise you, if you've been smiling at me, I 100% had no idea I was bugging you lol! Confrontation is your best friend when dealing with ADHD people. Just be open and honest and tell us when we do something that bugs you. Do it with a smile and a hug, and we'll move mountains for you. Chances are we ADHD folks have no idea we're bugging you, and we'll be happy to change that act! :) We like you! It's why we're around.

Here's a few more of the ways that my Adult ADHD manifests in my day-to-day life.

- I am NOT an attentive mother. (I'm an enthusiastic one... but definitely not attentive). Seriously, the fore-thought simply isn't there. I have curtis for that lol! He's my forward thinking in parenting!! Baby gates? his idea... not painting directly on the table? his idea...many times lol! Not letting the kids run around with chop sticks? His idea... not mine. lol! You starting to see the point? But, I'm enthusiastic. And I teach my kids well, and I love on them hard (when i'm not distracted). It's chaotic, but it's still love and it's still motherhood. Very flawed motherhood with lots of prayer lol!

- My emotions run away from me (I often cannot trust what my own brain thinks, when my emotions are up. This is where I 100% need people around me to reference, and learn from, such as my husband, or open honest friends who will call me on my crap)--as a result, i'm excellent at accepting criticism. Because I know my flaws here! You need only read my journal from the first 8 years of our marriage to see what happens when I follow my own train of thought with emotions running high. Having ADHD and living a normal life, REQUIRES me to accept criticism, regardless of whether I agree with it or not. But I BELIEVE YOU, EVEN IF I DON'T UNDERSTAND YOU, because I HAVE TO! :). It's taken me a long time (and not all ADHD adults get to this place) to understand that my own thoughts and logic, are not based in reality sometimes. And it's up to me to be humble about that, and accept the logic coming from the mouths of logical people.  And perhaps what's hard for people to understand, is that I'm 100% okay with this. It doesn't bother me at all. It's my short-coming, I've accepted it, and I roll with it and move on! That's the only way I can lead a good life! Otherwise i'll end up living in ignorance of "always right" and never have people in my life who care about me and I can pour into. I'd rather be wrong most of the time, but maintain a friendship!

- I am not clean. I never will be. If you've seen my house clean, it's cause that's literally THE ONLY THING I did that day. My brain is cluttered and chaotic (just how I like it lol) and what comes out of my brain tends to be equally cluttered and chaotic. In fact, my creativity runs highest, when my space is messiest. It's just me. I clean when I have to, and I'm quick to de-clutter because I'm well aware that I'd be at-risk to become a hoarder otherwise. However, the mess-struggle is always there. And I'm at peace with it. Laundry is a 3 week process... to actually get it all washed, and then folded and put away. I get 1 week off, and then the 3 week cycle begins again. IT'S JUST ME! :) Yes, this is a flaw. But it's one i've accepted, and I change how I can/when I can. But it's part of being a "live-always-in-the-moment" person.

- I forget almost everything! And this is also because I live in the moment. This is something that will never change about me, regardless of how many sudoku puzzles I do, or books I read, or memory exercises I play. It's just me. I'm not upset about it, I've accepted it. (no really! When I put something down and turn around, it litterally CEASES TO EXIST at that precise moment! lol).  BUT BECAUSE i've accepted this about myself, i've turned from a "fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants" person into an over-planner person. I schedule things. sometimes way in advance. I have three calendars. And then if something is really important (say...picking up my son from preschool) I have alarms set in my phone (every...single...school day, all school-year long). As a result, I tend to come across as an OVER PLANNER. But what people don't understand is that if I don't plan, I dont get the priorities of life, in place. Most people have the ability to grasp priorities, weigh things, make decisions, remember important stuff and follow through. I don't unless I have a list. I NEED A PLAN. And I need it in writing. End of story. For example, I kept forgetting to attend moms group last year. So this year? I just signed myself up to help outsomehow EVERY SINGLE WEEK! whether it's set-up, clean-up or bringing a snack, SOMEONE'S GONNA MESSAGE ME TO REMIND ME THURSDAY MORNING IS COMING! lol! And i've had almost perfect attendance this year doing this! :)


SUBTLE WAYS ADHD FEELINGS CAN GET HURT

If I get a sense that someone DOES understand what I mean by "I have ADHD" as opposed to the ignorant "lol me too! I get distracted all the time!", then there are certain tactful things for people to consider. You know what I mean... when you are with people who have been through trauma, you're not going to discuss traumatic things casually. When you're around a pregnant lady, you're not gonna go on and on about how unusually large her stomach is compared to yours...   When you are around someone who is working through their sexual orientation or gender identity, likewise, you become more aware and sensitive about the language you use, in order to accomodate their journeys in this life... likewise with mental health. When you're around someone with anxiety, you aren't gonna be throwing out the ol' "Cast your anxieties on the lord" verse. When you're around someone who'se depressed you're not gonna start ignorantly preaching the "joy of the lord".

In the same way, if you have an understanding of ADHD, there are certain assumptions and behaviors that can come across as hurtful or vindictive. It can make us either close-up or go on the offensive to try and protect our extremely vulnerable sides.  When I feel like I am stepped on, when I am criticized for the very things I cannot control, I am deeply hurt. We would never blame someone in a wheelchair for not being able to walk right? "look at that lazy guy. I bet he never goes for a jog ever.... how can he live with himself?!"... I'd be a real jerk if I thought that way! Lets be honest! There's no more to it than that with ADHD. Eg: being hurt that I don't notice a new outfit or hairdue (even if you go from blonde to purple, I likely won't notice lol!) Is the same in my eyes. It's a shortcoming I have zero control over. :)

Another example, when people don't want to plan things out with me in great (painstakingly-thorough) detail. I am deeply hurt by that, in a very personal way (despite this being a very natural irritation to people). It is as if they genuinely know my needs and short-comings (which they likely don't), and then proceed to NOT accommodate them... As though my friendship isn't valuable enough to them to make plans properly. To me it feels as though someone is looking me in the eye and telling me "I don't care if you are in my life, your ADHD is too big of an inconvenience to me, to bother being your friend"...

It's incredibly hurtful to overlook an ADHD (Or anxiety or bipolar or depressed) person's shortfallings, and refuse to accommodate them. It's like choosing not to be someone's friend because they are in a wheelchair, and you MIGHT have to walk a little slower with them in the mall sometimes... FOR REAL! SAME THING IN THE MINDS OF THOSE WITH MENTAL HEALTH ISSUES! I'm okay with not "making plans" if you're okay with me forgetting 95% of the things we are doing together and never showing up... ever... (I'll be doing somersaults or something like that...) haha! :) . In fact, to take it one step farther, what you might view as a "nagging reminder" I take VERY well :) it's like you're saying "HEY THERE! I love you and I don't want you to forget we're doing this! ___" :) So go ahead, nag away! lol


- Lastly in the pit-falls of my life (cause I have no other flaws lol), is that I say dumb $#!t sometimes lol! Seriousely, like I said, I rarely think before I speak. I am working on this, but i'll be honest, I am doubtful that i'll ever be able to overcome this character trait of mine. So just know, that your ADHD loved ones, often speak without thinking. And you need to have grace for them, just as you have grace over your own private thoughts that you catch yourself thinking and then scold yourself for. Wouldn't you feel vulnerable if everyone could hear those thoughts of yours? well, with me...they can... and it is vulnerable and scary. It leads to a very hard-to-see social anxiety. I come across as bubbily and confident, and then go home and stew about things, cry over dumb stuff I've said, wonder if I've hurt people... etc... So give your ADHD friends some grace in the things that they say, and confront them when they say inappropriate stuff. This is an ACT OF LOVE for them! :)

WAYS I AM BETTER THAN YOU! :P

You know I don't mean it that way, but lets be honest, I just punched myself down into the ground in the above paragraph... So i'd also like to share a list of things that I'm BETTER at than most people who don't have ADHD. Blessings of the curse you could say.

- I am intuitive to body language when I am attentive: I notice people's body languages like a second form of speech. This doesn't always bode well for me, since I can often read language people don't WANT me to notice too. False friendliness, false forgiveness, etc... But this skill is a light-switch. When I am in an inattentive state of ADHD I don't notice a thing! lol! But this skill was highly helpful when I had my social work practice!

- I am incredibly artistic: This comes with ADHD and the fact that my feet are not firmly planted on the ground like most people's are! I see things that aren't there, push boundaries, and create what is NOT yet in existance! I prefer short-term art projects as opposed to very time-consuming multiple-day projects. As a result, I'm an excellent cook, and love doing this. I like to paint, I like to plan parties, I like to write (hence the blog), I like to garden etc...

- I am very imaginative: I have SO MANY IDEAS! And I know I have about 9 BAD ideas for every 1 good idea, but never-the-less, if you need options or ides, I'M YOUR WOMAN! Just ask, and i'll give you whatever comes to mind! Again, because my feet aren't grounded, i'm not limited by the boxes of reality when I'm coming up with ideas. This can be very useful in ANY kind of brain-storming

- I'm a starter: Some people love the joy of working hard at something, some people love the feeling of finishing a project... I LOVE TO START THINGS! And yes, this leads to many un-finished projects in my own life. But in the scheme of life WITH OTHER PEOPLE, this is such a value asset. I'm the "lets get this going!" person... (Think "pastor todd" lol). If you need someone to fire the "start" pistol, someone to brake the ice and start something, just ask!

- I usually make a good public speaker: It's not my favorite activity to do, mostly cause I never know if I'm gonna babble nonsense. But getting up in front of people I don't mind doing. And I'm usually animated, candid, and easy to stay focused on BECAUSE of my adhd. I move around. I use gestures. My train of thought wanders JUST LIKE THE AUDIENCE'S and I can keep people focused because of this.

- I'm good with kids: mostly because I still am one ;)

- I usually connect well in new social settings. Because I live in the moment, I have no problems meeting someone new, finding a common ground and rolling with it. The rest of the world doesn't exist to me, and that person has 100% of my attention. Usually I say something stupid and brake the false appearances of perfection easily (yay lol), which allows people to feel more comfortable and open up more to me.

-I am passionate. I am a warrior for a cause... any cause really lol! So i've had to focus this to "people-related causes" But within that, my ADHD helps me to hyper-focus on things sometimes. Be it poverty, Indigenous rights, LGBTQ, what-have-you. It's all in there and it's all so genuinely passionately real in my life. I'm the person with the voice, the posters, the march-for-a-cause. And though these aren't the only people necessary for change, The voice is usually an important aspect of a movement, and not something everyone is comfortable doing. But like I said, I already know I'm a fool, i've come to terms with it, and I DONT MIND being one, especially if it's for a good cause.

- I am a deep thinker when I have the time to do so. People with ADHD are the makings of philosophers and theologians. We're not afraid to walk away from the present structure, to see if there's something else there. For example, i've recently had my entire theological footing slipped out from under me. Everything I grew up believing about the bible...wondering if it's actually the truth. Wondering if christianity is REALLY what we say it is, or if Jesus was preaching a very different message than we've interpreted... this would cause most people great anxt... but not me! I just live in it and embrace it as my new reality! I think within this space. I love jesus, and I'm forgiven by him. other than that, it's all negotiable at this point! :) And this is just fine with me. This is where the martin-luthers are born, the menno-simons, the protestant movement, etc... This is where stuff like this happens. 

I think I'm gonna leave it there... Simply because this post has gotten extremely long.  I hope you've found this helpful and encouraging regarding some of the ADHD people in your own life. Maybe children, and you worry for their futures. well don't! :) just set them up to succeed, believe in them, and teach them to surround themselves with people of balance to their own lives.

A person with ADHD is like a beautiful vining flower plant. You dont always know where it will go, but it will keep on moving, it will keep on growing, it'll move with it's surroundings, and bend with the wind. It will give you beauty, and it will give you shelter... :) so PRAISE GOD for ADHD people! :) We're some of the spice of life!