I've really had my up and down times as a parent... and I have learned a lot! That being said, I am only 27 and I am a stay at home mom of an almost 3-year-old and a six month old, so I am BY FAR not all-knowing, or done learning... Just opinionated in my current knowledge :). I also love and respect those around me who carry differing values for their child-rearing with admiration. I love how we can all be so different and yet all raise our children to be wonderful people. What I am endeavoring to do is (well, mostly to process my own thoughts externally) share one perspective that is not popular or well broadcasted.
I'm not a hippie (this is my husband's word for the organic-vegan-chemical free-essential oil brewing-flag waving-dance in the streets type people... with love of course lol). Or as my dad would call them "granola munchers" (also with love). Now don't get me wrong, I have both WANTED to be one and TRIED to be one. I'll explain why at the end of the post. But for now, I simply want to speak out what I DO think and practice in my home. I want to write it out because it's not a highly practiced or valued parenting style in todays north-american world.
I'll start with a few controversial sentences:
- I spank my children (well, child... the other is only 6 months lol)
- I vaccinate my children
- I use disposable diapers
- I do not ultimately try to reason with my two year old (because...he's two...)
- I let my two year old drink juice and eat fast food
- I let my two year old eat sugar
- I bottle fed my child
- I didn't potty train my son when he turned two
- My (almost) 3 year old still has a bottle at bed time
- I force my children to take naps when they dont want them
- I co-sleep when its needed
- I let my children incur minor injuries for the sake of learning
- I let my children watch TV
- I medicate my children when they have fevers or pain
- I use antibiotics when advised
- I give my child age-innapropriate toys (and wires and things)
- I let my two year old use peelers, scissors and butter knives
- I force my children to play alone
And I'll add a few less controversial sentences:
- I do time outs, and "come sit with mummy"
- I love baby-wearing
- I use positive reinforcement
- I listen and empathize intently to my two year old, ensuring his thoughts and opinions are heard before I make decisions for him.
- I am intentional to do a bear hug and an "I love you" at least 2 times a day
- I use verbal praise generously and constantly
- I use essential oils regularly instead of medication
- I make exzima cream, massage oil, and bath salts from scratch
- we are scent-free (except for essential oils)
- I ensure my two year old eats dairy, protein and fruits or veggies at every meal
- I give my son smoothies for breakfast
- I inforce our safety rules appropriately
- I monitor my children's play with things beyond their level, and teach them valuable skills like how to properly cut with a knife or scissors.
- I do crafts with my son 1-3 times a week involving stuff like glitter, stickers, paint, glue, cutting
- My first son had breast milk until 18 months and my second is currently exclusively breastfed.
- I intentionaly socialize my two year old by attending mom's groups, and putting him in child care at the gym
- I work out and drink smoothies and eat salad daily (workouts 3X a week)
Some of the things in my two lists seem controversial, but you know what? they aren't because I am one person and not a flag holder for some model of parenting. I have authority to parent my children MY WAY and not the way of some pre-defined model like attachment parenting or authoritarian or even egalitarian. These are MY children, entrusted to my husband and I by God himself, to raise for His will. I will not be imprisoned by a set of guidelines or instructions or cultural trends. I will love my children like Christ loved the church, and we will teach them how to follow Christ the way we know best. I refuse to be pressured by cultural trends (like the huge "dont spank" trend) that I feel will damage my children's development ultimately. And though I know I am far from the perfect mother, I feel it my duty to take authority in the ways I am able.
I dont want to delve too deeply into any particular issue for the sake of not starting mommy wars. but I did call this post "why i am not an all-natural parent" so I will explain a few of my values on that front.
Vaccines: My cousin's wise sister-in-law (naturaupath) had this to say. "unless you are willing to do MORE research and know MORE about the diseases being vaccinated for THAN YOUR CHILD'S DOCTOR, than you should vaccinate. Because the doctors won't be looking for the symptoms of those particular illnesses." Wise words. I'm simply not a huge "look it up" kinda person (Which is why I married one. haha!). The other reason I am pro-vaccination is simply because I am not ANTI vaccination... simple enough. all the chemicals people worry about in them and causing autism is all super out-dated research and they have changed. My kids arent allergic to egg whites, and since they are breast fed, I am really not worried about the development of their immune systems being compromised. I also have a great gift of faith, and a lot of respect for our doctors, which is totally lost to much of our generation it seems. so many people seem to think they know better than their doctors, and that the internet knows more than their doctor does...not true. Try taking a college course and see what counts as credible research. Are you willing to put in that kind of effort to know about the diseases? days and days of reading at the library? writing papers and essays, memorizing symptoms... cause that's what your child's doctor did. DO NOT dis-credit years and years, billions of dollars of research. and no, the medical system is NOT TRYING to kill you... they are trying to help us and make us stronger. So lets stop the conspiracy talk among moms m'kay?
Organic/nonGMO: I attended a cancer-workshop put on by my local Maximized Living chiropractor, and at first was very inspired to eat better, and make some changes...but then he began listing thing after thing after thing that was going to give us cancer... light bulbs, tooth paste, fabric, dishwasher soap, laundry soap, the city water, vaccines, fillings, all medication ever made, all carbs and sugars both natural and un-natural, THE FRIGGIN' AIR... (okay that last one was an exaduration, but if I asked, I'm sure he'd say yes)... you get the idea. super self-defeating way to present things... it's just this in-surmountable mountain of things to try and change. I decided I would change what I could and forget the rest. So I tried for a while, but it just stressed me out. Then my friend made such a good statement to me. "there's a fine line between 'you're body's a temple' and 'do not worry about tomorrow. pagans worry about these things because tomorrow is all they have'. We have heaven. Who cares if you don't live as long?" There comes a point when we cross a line and we are worshiping our own bodies by selfishly surrounding ourselves with "everything good" at the expense of other things like time with our family, time serving God's church, time with God, money for God and his church, money for our children's college funds, etc... it would cost a good $500 extra a month to actually change things over in your house to be living wholistically... and not to mention all the time spent making all your cleaning products, creams, shampoos, dish/laundry detergents, etc... Thats the time and money you could be giving to the church... I just simply cant get it out of my head, some starving child at our church's care point, because I need to spend 4$ extra on tomatoes every week so that they are ORGANIC .... am I that much more valuable that I should do this?? It's just incredibly selfish to me and self-centered to think I am more valuable than the rest of the world that our money should go to such superior things and not towards feeding 20-30 of Winnipeg's homeless and hungry who live off of ramen noodles and free stale bread...
Medication/Antibiotics: This one circles back to my gift of faith and my respect for the knowledge doctors (and pharmacists) carry. I simply don't think I could know better than them. And quite frankly, doctors don't like prescribing antibiotics anymore either. So if they tell you that you need to use it, then you should use it. Antibiotics save lives. Just like vaccines, flu shots and infant formula saves lives. There's this crazy trend/revelation of "i know best" and "anti-expert" mentality, where we try to equalize all people. But the fact is, some people are actually smarter (we call it IQ) and some people are geniuses. And some people have more focus and discipline to memorize vast amounts of knowledge they can use to study, assess, and diagnose you, prescribe you medication and help you get well. Lets stop insulting all of that with our ignorant foolishness based on one or two blog posts or forum reads... that's just...well read proverbs. that's foolishness in a nutshell... If you read something and are GENUINELY convinced by it, then TAKE THAT KNOWLEDGE TO YOUR DOCTOR. They are reasonable human beings and can be trusted to explain it to you, or agree with you.
Spanking: Okay, this one has nothing to do with all-natural, but I just figured I couldn't put a statement like that in a blog post and ignore it with today's crazy controversial views. First of all, lets all remember that there's a difference between beating your child, and spanking them. I've read some attachment parenting posts on spanking... apparently some people think spanking is the same as a drunk angry dad walloping his innocent son... lets clear that up. and it might be a mental view you didn't even know you carried about spanking, simply because of how people shame it. Spanking is one or two smacks on the bum with an open palm, that do not leave a red mark. This is neither abusive, mentally harmful, nor illegal. Remember, I'm a social worker by education and worked for CFS for 2 years. Just trust me on this one... your kids wont get apprehended if you are good solid parents and you spank in this manner. Now, if you use spanking as an "out" for all other forms of parenting, thats another story and borders on neglectful. And if you do it while angry, that is dangerous because you are more likely to hit harder than you planned (same goes for a smack on the hand). A spanking should always be done from a relaxed parent. OKAY! Now that the logistical deffinitions are out of the way... "spare the rod, spoil the child" is something I just think is true. I dont totally understand how children can be raised to actually have a healthy fear/respect for their elders, if they are not punished for wrong-doings. And time-outs are only so effective. Also, every child is different. My brother had maybe two spankings his whole life... I needed them like...weekly lol so you also have to assess your child. Our oldest has a physical touch love language, which means that time outs are far less effective than spankings (for a quality time child, time outs will be FAR MORE effective than spankings). But it also means being very careful with how much and how you spank, and always following it up with cuddles while you discuss (again) why the child received the spanking, until they agree to obey next time.
A little bit of background to what brought me here...
Like I said right at the start of this post, I have had my ups and downs as a mother. My first son was born prematurely, and as a CFS social worker, I thought I knew what I was getting into with parenting. But I was more-than-a-little thrown off by the colic, reflux, dairy and soy allergy, too-weak-to-nurse, exclusively pumping, preemie-delayed development, which lead to the PTSD, un-realistic sleeplessness (even for a new parent), criticism, feelings of self-defeat and worthlessness... We also did renno's which lead to living with both my parents and my in-laws for various lengths of time...There's nothing quite like walking into another home as a broken mother, and having to interact with an extremely confident (and successfully completed) mother who will share every bit of advice she can to be helpful... Unfortunately in that broken state, the advice is filtered into a mom's brain through the filter of her own self-talk...so what was intended as helpful advice and (legitimately good) ideas, is instead taken as criticism and judgement... being further and further broken down, I became the kind of mom I shall refer to as a conformist. This isn't the best word, since no mother becomes this way by choice, but by survival... If I was around bottle feeders, I proudly bottle fed my son, not mentioning the hours of pumping invested into ensuring he got breastmilk. If I was around breast feeders, I would find a way to work in our story and ensure they knew I wasnt "poisoning" (eye roll) my child with formula. I would baby-wear around attachment parenters, and I would discipline around authoritative family and friends. I would appologise and make excuses for why my 17 month old couldn't walk, or why my six month old was just starting to tolerate tummy time enough to learn how to hold up his head and push with his arms.... I would compare children nervously, and make excuses or apologies and at time even self-protective judgements. Then I had my second son...born 5 days late, breast fed like a dream, held his head up before two weeks old, sitting by 2.5 months... (now he's just super fat and doesn't want to crawl lol), sleeps when he's supposed to, happy when he's awake... practically a dream-baby! I couldn't believe it! (and I give all the credit to the Lord above, who sent this baby to heal my heart). Suddenly I realized that all my insecurities weren't legitimate. My trauma required healing, and I had a right to start believing in my own capabilities again. The fact that children are different, and it's not ALL "nurture" (nature vs. nurture), broke a lot of bonds in my heart. I began to notice the confident moms around me, regardless of their parenting choices. My sister in law for one, and one of the leaders at our moms group for another. Also a close friend we visit with on a regular basis. these three people all have extremely different parenting values, but all are raising healthy happy well-adjusted children with confidence and strength. I realized something... I have a right to be this way. But the big catalyst to my change came from an unlikely source... my best friend who is a single yuppy! She was convicted to rebuke the way I talked about myself and my children (in a typical negative mennonite "humility" tone). She taught me that what I say has authority. I can speak death or I can speak life over my children. I can speak blessings over their lives, their days and their bodies, or I can speak curses. If I tell myself and my child that he will be a failure, I am giving failure that authority. If I rebuke those thoughts and speak blessings over my child, then I can break these curses and fill my children's lives with blessings. I have authority to take oil and anoint my children. Yes, a literal spiritual anointing with oil. This is my God-given right as their mother. Knowing I have this spirtual authority broke bonds, and helped me to realize I have the same authority in how my children are raised. I can reject views I do not agree with and promote those I love in my home.
Love for all other views: I really do respect other points of view. I respect people who do the research about vaccines, and are able to feed their children ridiculously nutritious diets to provide them with incredible immune systems that don't require vaccination. I have madd respect for the parents who can get their kids to have a healthy fear of authority without any kind of corporal punishment, or who have the patience to reason with a two year old and somehow convince their two year olds to always make the right choices... These simply arent how I am choosing to raise my children. I really do love that we can have different styles and all be part of the same community and have beautiful human beings who will change the world some day! :)
