Resolutions are made to be broken

At the beginning of 2019 I made a new years resolution to give up a few pretty huge things:
1) social media
2) online shopping
3) blogging/entepreneural ventures in general (AKA distractions from my actual job of stay at home momming)

To be totally honest, I stayed pretty strong on all of these for a good half a year! But the second half of the year social media crept back in, in waves on and off, as I ate keto and needed some moral support from the keto community of instagram (which is good and strong)...

And no online spending was going well... until I discovered Wish... hahaha! Me and wish had a pretty short-lived love affair though. generally painless. I got a few good things, and a few duds, and a few refunds... all in all, not worth my time, but no harm done. Then with school starting up and kids needing clothes, and winter gear, the online shopping resolution kinda went out the window... I mean, have you ever gone clothing shopping with three children? Ya... I dont plan to either haha!

The blogging one? Well that one I stuck to my guns, until literally RIGHT NOW! but hey.... resolutions are made to be broken aren't they?? I'm still glad I made all three resolutions, because I was constantly checking myself in all these areas even though I didn't meet my ultumate goals of abstinence in these areas. I still came out having progressed forwards! So i'd say my resolutions were achieved in that sense! :)  I'll likely make new resolutions for 2020 too...

For now, I just needed a space to organize my thoughts... I think part of why it's been so easy not to blog or start any creative ventures, is that I had a baby end of January 2019. My third son! I am living in my glory with my three boys and husband. The queen of my little kingdom you could say. Do I wish I had a daughter? honestly, nope! Not even in secret. I'm not just saying this because my kids could read this ten years from now... I am so legitimately happy and at peace with my manly family! And I have confidence that God made me the exact right mom to raise these three boys too. So that plays into it too.

So ANYWAYS... (speaking of ADHD lol) 2019 I didn't really blog cause I was basically a slepless wreck all year. My youngest, Levi, was breastfed like my other two, only he was an every-two-hour baby 24/7 for a solid 8 months... yuuup... 8 friggin' months... and even now at 10.5 months he still nurses 3 times a night... he's practically weaned during the daytime... and then he just becomes a thirsty camel when the sun sets... sigh! You'd think by the third kid you'd have it figured out, but they are simply all different. You can't decide what kind of kid you're gonna have, and you just have to roll with it! ... a sleepy... slightly insane...weepy roll with it... (JK...srsly...jk...)

OK all of that is just my "hi i'm back" intro! :) so, Hi i'm back!

This is always the time of year that my "maximalist" personality screams it's loudest...Christmas time... I have so much good natured fun with the fact that all the minimalists of winnipeg are collectively murmering and enjoying their ... Sweet...nothings (??)... making their homes all clean, and organized and focused... then I just stroll along, AND KICK DOWN THE DOOR! I'M WEARING A SANTA HAT, ELF SHOES AND THE MOST GAWDY CHRISTMAS EARRINGS YOUVE EVER SEEN! I PUT DECORATIONS ON YOUR TREE AND THROW GLITTER ALL OVER YOUR FLOOR!!!!!!!!!! (perfection... in a word...)

Its just good natured fun... and no, i've never glitter-bombed anyones home for real...but theres a few of you who are on my radar to do this to at some point if your minimalism gets too outta hand... just sayin!

In all seriousness though, I think Christ has room in his heart for minimalists and maximalists alike... take Mary and Martha for example in the bible... Mary was hands-down a minimalist... and someone Jesus loved dearly! The way she would just forget everything and simply BE with Jesus... She "got" it...

But then there's John...the disciple "whom the LORD loved". An adhd, impulsive loud mouth maximalist at it's finest! You need only read the gospels to realize this as he's constantly blurting things out and going too far... "NEVER LORD! DON'T WASH MY FEET"  "WASH MY WHOLE BODY!"  "I WILL NEVER DENY YOU LORD" "GET THOSE KIDS AWAY FROM THE LORD HE DOESN'T HAVE TIME FOR THEM!" "ILL PROTECT YOU LORD!" (proceeds to cut off someones ear)... you know... Just to give a few examples...

Jesus had room in his heart for both minimalists and maximalists... they are legitimately both beautiful to our God. Jesus loves it when we cut out all the crap, cut it down to just us-and-him... and I too, love these intimate moments with my God...

But God also loves it when we scream it from the rooftops how much we love Him and how excited we are about his birthday and all that it represents! And I'm happy to get wrapped up in the tinsel and lights, and elfing-on-the-shelfing and advent sugar-highs... because it's once a year... it's fleeting, and it's magical for my kids... It instills in them the reality that "This...is...important!" This is a priority, not simply something to be tolerated. This is a celebration. This is EXCITING! This is something worth getting riled up over!

Think about the analogies you use in your adult life... stuff like "i was like a kid at Christmas..."

I personally don't know if a kid who has no Christmas magic, will understand that analogy when they are an adult... ya know? There really is a place in a christian home for the "extras" of the season...

and there's also something to be said for acknowledging that this time of year is also a pagan holiday... This doesn't need to be a tug-of-war with the whole "keep christ in christmas" thing... we can just be at peace that our celebrations aren't the only ones that are occuring...  

The  winter solstice happens on December 21'st and MANY cultures have various celebrations and festivals that revolve around this particular change in the seasons... and THATS OKAY! we christians chose this time of year for the same reason really... We took something and used it for His glory... But that doesn't make the "rest of it" evil, it makes it...the rest! God invented the seasons... I like to believe he's at least a LITTLE bit honored by the various cultures and religions that honor this change in season with their festivals... or at least a little flattered by the sheer wonder we hold for how intricate this planet of ours is, and how these changes in seasons occur... they truly are a miracle themselves (whether you think about them religiously or scientifically). And what better time of year to celebrate the coming of our Lord and Savior, then the time of year when everything starts to change in our season... the days start getting longer... the winter starts getting  bitterly colder but that is a change as well, which leads the earth to rest, in order to awaken once again with new life! Wow!

And so, to the minimalists, the maximalists... the christmas-ers, holiday-ers, Hanukah-ers, kwanza-ers, Native Solstice celebrators, etc... I wish you all the excitement of this season... and I wish you God's blessings, and the light of Christ's love over your heart and home. 

Glory be to God in the highest... and on earth, peace...

Outer adult, inner child

I just finished reading a very informative article that I highly suggest anyone read, especially if they have areas of their life where they find themselves either over-reacting, or unable to "adult"in situations.

I have to be honest, it's 4 in the morning and i've been up for around an hour, and was pretty restless all night prior to that... But the question my current pregnancy insomnia has decided to tackle is, why do I feel like a child inside so often? Why do I feel like i'm having such a hard time growing up?

There could be many reasons really, and they may all have some partial truths to them. For one thing, I have adult ADHD. For another thing, I married young, and I married Mr Right (sorry ladies, he's gone now!). My husband is far more mature and responsible and wise than I am, and perhaps in comparison, I simply feel more immature than  I truly am for my age? But then, I am 30... So... I ought to be fully "adulting" by now. :)

If you have some time, click the hyperlink in my first paragraph and give that article a read. But a quick synopsis for those who (like me) have readers ADHD and can't be bothered to read things past a couple paragraphs (then why are you reading my rambling blog!? ;)... Basically the article supposes that we all have areas in our lives where we have childhood conflicts or issues that we never fully resolved. This can lead us to over-react in situations.

 Eg: A co-worker snags a pen off your desk, cause they ran out, and need to take a phone message. You walk in, see your favorite pen missing and have an all-out flip-out over it... Internally though you've actually gone back to that time you were 8 years old, and big-Bobby stole your precious lunch treats  and made you feel worthless for it.  In the present day situation, you may have over-reacted, or you may have simply piped up "who has my pen?" and remedied the situation. But internally, however you reacted externally,  you are well-aware that you're reactions are not those of your adult self... There's an anger or anxiety there about a simple pen,  that shouldn't be there, and you understandably feel that your feelings are childish.

So in the article he discusses how to try and remedy these situations by using a "dear younger me" kind of idea. Trying to visualise your younger self, what age you are, what you're wearing, where you were... and approach your younger self, with photos of you along the journey. Show your inner child how you've grown up. how you've learned to deal with bullies, or controlling people, etc... (just continuing to use the same example there). Until your inner child relinqueshes their hold over that particular aspect of your life.

Anyways, I really like this concept! It gives me a bit of hope! I was a heavily bullied child. Runt-of-the-class kinda bullied until well into highschool when I finally made a few close friends and found my groove. I was also raised in a very conservative home. Loving, but conservative and strict about those values (and the judgement to follow if values were broken). In addition, I was raised by a (very loving) mother who had both Hypothyroid and ADHD herself. And all that this entailed in her own "i'm only human" mothering journey. My adult self can look back and see these as matter-of-fact. but when things trigger the child parts of me that arent resolved, then I think I go right back to being an irresponsible child, throw my hands in the air, and let someone else figure it out. Or, like any pitifully bullied child does who has no alternatives, I highly over-react. Both toward others and toward myself.

So this concept of actually talking to my inner self, is a good one for me, and I'm gonna start trying to do that a bit more.Because it affects two of the most important areas of my life. My marraige and my relationship with my children.

Specifically with my children, I have lost sleep many times over the fact that my children generally arent safe to be vulnerable with me. They mostly do that with their dad. This is ironic since i'm the more touchy-feely parent. But the reality is, my adhd makes me pretty impatient, and I need to learn to identify those triggers of "brush it off" before they occur. Also, My mother (also ADHD) did the same with me. So it's instinctive to my parenting style to simply "not have time for this right now" in basically any situation. So, despite my own distractions, I'm also in a situation of staring at my kids, and (without realizing it) re-creating my own childhood hurts of "mommy can you ____ with me" followed by some kind of "I dont have time for this" rejection. (and again, this isn't about my mom. She did her best, and loved me to bits! She just wasn't as strong in the quality time/words of affirmation areas of the love language). In the times in my life where I was rejected by my mom, I would feel hurt and angry. And so when my own children push and insist and persevere with their requests, I begin to feel somehow personally attacked inside. I become very short and angry with them. "GO FIND SOMETHING TO DO!" Etc... and I push them away in a much harsher way that I was myself as a child. both perpetuating the parenting flaw I received (and I imagine my mom also recieved as a child, being kid #6).

All this leads me to think of 10 years down the road, once my kids have learned to not come to mommy with their problems, and they begin to have very REAL problems, and feel they can't approach me. I don't know a single parent who would say "i dont want my kid to talk to me about their issues"... and yet, somehow I can end up training this exact phrase into my kids heads, by not caring about how their lego wont stick together, or how the bandaid isn't on quite right, or not diffusing their own qualms properly, or getting sick of the "why" questions, or saying "no" too many times to "will you play with me?" "will you push me on the swing?" "can you make a craft with me?"

Granted,  I feel extra guilty right now cause i'm pregnant (and emotional), and overly tired at all times and somewhat incapable of providing quality time to any living creature! But as a general concept, I feel hopeful, that I can re-visit my childhood self, and teach her about both how she grew up, and about how her mother loved her deeply, despite her own shortcomings. And perhaps as I do that, I can take things a step further and teach my kids how to be vulnerable with me, by giving them a window into my vulnerabilities instead of just reacting most times...

it's a pretty big concept. One that needs a lot of intentional journaling time on my part or perhaps some therapy instead if  I cant mantain enough focus to make progress on my own. But A good concept to help me move forward as a wife and mother, and learn how to "grow up" in a lot of different areas of my life.

A little bit about my ADULT ADHD

So my ADHD... I love it, and I have fun with it! But sometimes it gets me in trouble!  When people don't understand me or my heart, I come across like a very different person than family and friends know me to be. What's sometimes frustrating for me is that I can't always help people understand who I am, and what role my ADHD plays in that.   Sometimes it even makes me frustrated because of the huge mis-perception of ADHD that is out there, as a blanket excuse for lack-of-discipline or laziness, or as a crutch for other personality flaws...

ADHD isn't a crutch, or an excuse or fake. It's real. And it's part of who I am... And because of that, I like to ramble on about my ADHD in an educational/self-awareness way every-so-often to help those in my life who may not be on the "inside circle" of this lovely ADHD, gain deeper understanding!

I like to think of ADHD as my personality type... It just happens to be a personality type that is more researched than the average personality! I can read a textbook and feel like it was written by a fortune teller who already knew about my entire life! lol! Lucky me, sucks to be you ;) hehe!

MY ADHD DIAGNOSIS

Sometimes when I try and bring up that ADHD is a part of my life and not an excuse, people think I'm being sarcastic. But no, it's as a legitimate fact. I was diagnosed in grade 6, after almost failing 2 grades of elementary school, and being the class runt/butt of every joke. Yup! The whole psychiatric process. A funny man leaning over me in class... an empty desk with nothing to fidget with (except the crack in my desk-top which i ran my finger across 100% of the time), sitting in an office with flash cards, building things, IQ tests, etc... the works! I had above average intelligence (motherhood took care of eliminating that one lol!), which ruled out several other possibilities. It turned out, that I have ADHD (back then, diagnosed as ADD, but now it's ADHD-inattentive type)! My parents, (God bless them) decided not to medicate me, but instead turned their lives sideways to change our routines, educate my teachers (Cause it wasn't as well known 20 years ago), provide outlettes for me, and add the extra hours (and hours) of help with homework at home to keep me caught up! I'm sure it was NOT an easy journey for them! But I am very grateful to have learned coping techniques as opposed to reliance on medication. However, when I hit my 3'rd year of college, my husband and I discussed our circumstances, and decided it was time for me to try medication (or risk, not getting my social work degree). And it made such a difference. NEVER had I been able to sit through an hour long class and retain every-single-word! I could sit in church and tell you all the points the pastor preached on. I didn't get mood swings as badly because my brain was focused and concentrated, lowering my anxieties and insecurities. It was a night-and-day difference.

ADHD doesn't go away when a kid grows up. It's the way a person's brain functions. You can't grow out of ADHD. It just looks different. It looks like doing poorly at work. It looks like career hopping. It looks like several failed marriages. It looks like making poor financial choices or impulsive decisions... Those are all ADHD. The adult version. It's real, it's a struggle, but it's also just who I am.

And generally, I am accommodating of genuine ignorance about ADHD. If people don't know, they just don't know. So let's give you guys some science! :)


SOME SCIENCE FOR YOU!

What I'd like to do right now, is give you a crash-course on the science behind my ADHD :)

Above is a diagram of a brain's neurons. These are the little body parts we have that send and recieve messages in the brain! :) yay for that!! Now, in the close up, you'll notice the tiny orange balls (we'll call them "fred") making a leap across the gap between one neuron to the next. In the average person, Fred works just fine. He's been doing his HIIT training, loves cliff jumping and does the job of sprinting and jumping from neuron to neuron just fine! He delivers his messages, and the case is closed!You learn things, you breathe, you react, you stay awake etc... tada! Well in someone with ADHD, Fred is sluggish. Maybe he's short, or busted his ankle or something. Fred simply doesnt always have what it takes to cross the gap! The gap jump, in more scientific terms is called a "Synapse". And it's almost identical to a static shock occurance. When you rub a balloon on your head, and then go to touch someone... sometimes the shock will JUMP from your finger tip to their sweater even before you've touched them all the way! :) this is what a synapse does.

So in my brain, not all the synapses are occuring. As a result, when you compare a brain scan of a normal brain to an ADHD brain, there are significant measurable differences as seen below! :)

 Notice, the ADHD brain IS NOT the one all fired up and going nuts... the normal brain is. ADHD does not OVER stimulate the brain, it under-stimulates it. As a result of the communications not working properly in the brain, We lose focus, we get wrestless. we get moody, sometimes depressed or anxious. things just arent always working properly up there! It comes across as having "too much energy" but really, we are using our bodies to try and wake-up the brain, and stimulate it! (for example, doing exercise is proven to be just as effective as medication in some ADHD patients, because it stimulates dopamine and adrenaline which then stimulates higher brain function).

And so, there are ways we self-medicate sometimes... Some people use Marijuana. This is actually highly un-effective. Though it seems to calm the person down, it does so by CONTINUING to slow down the brain. So it doesn't solve the problem. It's more like  tylenol for a fever, than a medication. Some people use coffee or chocolate (oh yes baby!!) and these are actually affective! Coffee and cocoa powder both have caffine, which is a STIMULANT! So where the average person may drink an espresso and get jittery, someone with ADHD will suddenly have a higher rate of those synapses occuring, they will focus, and become alert, and CALM DOWN. They wont fidget so much, they'll work better etc... Matcha, and yarba also fall into this category of self medication.

Exercise is also self-medication. And a highly effective one with many other health benefits!Most times, self-medicating is poo-poo'ed in the medical world, because it can become substance abuse and turn into addctions (ADHD'ers have highly addictive personalities), But no one minds if you get addicted to exercise! :)

My last piece that's  textbook-ey, is the difference between inattentive type and hyperactive types of ADHD.... well... it's my two kids basically! haha! (If you know them and think for about ten seconds you'll agree with me! lol!)

you might as well just put "Josiah" above column one and "sammy" above column two! Lol! It's true, i'm about 95% sure I've passed on this dear trait to both my kids... (it's okay though, the world needs more spice and flavor to it!). Although I certainly do waffle between the two types, I tend to be in the inattentive type! I have learned some coping techniques though. So while most of my RECENT friends may see me as very organized and a bit of a planner type person, this is not natural. If I don't plan, I dont remember things...end of story...


I have come to terms with MY ADHD. I know how I work, and function, and I know my short-comings. I've accepted them head-on, and I work around them, surrounding myself (or at least trying to) with people who make up for my short-comings. For example, I was attracted to my exact opposite, in a spouse. As a result, I have a highly disciplined, self-controlled, focused husband who has excellent discernment... He is the yin to my yang. And we've somehow figured out how to do this quite well lately! (Grace of God).

SOME PERSONAL LIFE STORIES FOR YOU!

So now i'd like to take some time to expand in a self-awareness way, about how the ADHD I was diagnosed with as a child, manifests itself in my adult life.

Sometimes when I try and explain to people that "I speak without thinking" or "I think out loud". They don't believe me  for some reason... no really, it's true! What i'm saying is EXACTLY what I'm thinking! There's no under-laying thoughts happening there. I'm processing it to-your-face... Some people (including king solomon) would describe people like me as a "fool". And believe me, i'm well aware of that! :) In fact, i'm proud of it, since most of Jesus's disciples were also fools! haha!

Somehow I think people should like this trait about me really... especially anyone who might get stressed in social dynamics... What you see, is what you get with me. How I act around you, isn't an act. I can't act lol! there's no behind-the-scenes judgement going on. If I judge you, i'll be dumb enough to blurt it to your face! haha! (and I try not to be judgemental at all, since I know I have more shortcomings than most people).  It's all straight-up how I feel!

Another part of living in the moment, is that I assess others the same way (usually mistakenly). If you never crack a smile around me, i'll assume you hate me. If you're kind, or smile or laugh a lot, I assume that "we're cool" and friends and all is well... If you call me out on stuff, I'll apologize (and be thankful for the input!) and change my ways. This-is-freaking-me! And most of the time, it works well for me! But when someone tells me about something that's been bothering them, I promise you, if you've been smiling at me, I 100% had no idea I was bugging you lol! Confrontation is your best friend when dealing with ADHD people. Just be open and honest and tell us when we do something that bugs you. Do it with a smile and a hug, and we'll move mountains for you. Chances are we ADHD folks have no idea we're bugging you, and we'll be happy to change that act! :) We like you! It's why we're around.

Here's a few more of the ways that my Adult ADHD manifests in my day-to-day life.

- I am NOT an attentive mother. (I'm an enthusiastic one... but definitely not attentive). Seriously, the fore-thought simply isn't there. I have curtis for that lol! He's my forward thinking in parenting!! Baby gates? his idea... not painting directly on the table? his idea...many times lol! Not letting the kids run around with chop sticks? His idea... not mine. lol! You starting to see the point? But, I'm enthusiastic. And I teach my kids well, and I love on them hard (when i'm not distracted). It's chaotic, but it's still love and it's still motherhood. Very flawed motherhood with lots of prayer lol!

- My emotions run away from me (I often cannot trust what my own brain thinks, when my emotions are up. This is where I 100% need people around me to reference, and learn from, such as my husband, or open honest friends who will call me on my crap)--as a result, i'm excellent at accepting criticism. Because I know my flaws here! You need only read my journal from the first 8 years of our marriage to see what happens when I follow my own train of thought with emotions running high. Having ADHD and living a normal life, REQUIRES me to accept criticism, regardless of whether I agree with it or not. But I BELIEVE YOU, EVEN IF I DON'T UNDERSTAND YOU, because I HAVE TO! :). It's taken me a long time (and not all ADHD adults get to this place) to understand that my own thoughts and logic, are not based in reality sometimes. And it's up to me to be humble about that, and accept the logic coming from the mouths of logical people.  And perhaps what's hard for people to understand, is that I'm 100% okay with this. It doesn't bother me at all. It's my short-coming, I've accepted it, and I roll with it and move on! That's the only way I can lead a good life! Otherwise i'll end up living in ignorance of "always right" and never have people in my life who care about me and I can pour into. I'd rather be wrong most of the time, but maintain a friendship!

- I am not clean. I never will be. If you've seen my house clean, it's cause that's literally THE ONLY THING I did that day. My brain is cluttered and chaotic (just how I like it lol) and what comes out of my brain tends to be equally cluttered and chaotic. In fact, my creativity runs highest, when my space is messiest. It's just me. I clean when I have to, and I'm quick to de-clutter because I'm well aware that I'd be at-risk to become a hoarder otherwise. However, the mess-struggle is always there. And I'm at peace with it. Laundry is a 3 week process... to actually get it all washed, and then folded and put away. I get 1 week off, and then the 3 week cycle begins again. IT'S JUST ME! :) Yes, this is a flaw. But it's one i've accepted, and I change how I can/when I can. But it's part of being a "live-always-in-the-moment" person.

- I forget almost everything! And this is also because I live in the moment. This is something that will never change about me, regardless of how many sudoku puzzles I do, or books I read, or memory exercises I play. It's just me. I'm not upset about it, I've accepted it. (no really! When I put something down and turn around, it litterally CEASES TO EXIST at that precise moment! lol).  BUT BECAUSE i've accepted this about myself, i've turned from a "fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants" person into an over-planner person. I schedule things. sometimes way in advance. I have three calendars. And then if something is really important (say...picking up my son from preschool) I have alarms set in my phone (every...single...school day, all school-year long). As a result, I tend to come across as an OVER PLANNER. But what people don't understand is that if I don't plan, I dont get the priorities of life, in place. Most people have the ability to grasp priorities, weigh things, make decisions, remember important stuff and follow through. I don't unless I have a list. I NEED A PLAN. And I need it in writing. End of story. For example, I kept forgetting to attend moms group last year. So this year? I just signed myself up to help outsomehow EVERY SINGLE WEEK! whether it's set-up, clean-up or bringing a snack, SOMEONE'S GONNA MESSAGE ME TO REMIND ME THURSDAY MORNING IS COMING! lol! And i've had almost perfect attendance this year doing this! :)


SUBTLE WAYS ADHD FEELINGS CAN GET HURT

If I get a sense that someone DOES understand what I mean by "I have ADHD" as opposed to the ignorant "lol me too! I get distracted all the time!", then there are certain tactful things for people to consider. You know what I mean... when you are with people who have been through trauma, you're not going to discuss traumatic things casually. When you're around a pregnant lady, you're not gonna go on and on about how unusually large her stomach is compared to yours...   When you are around someone who is working through their sexual orientation or gender identity, likewise, you become more aware and sensitive about the language you use, in order to accomodate their journeys in this life... likewise with mental health. When you're around someone with anxiety, you aren't gonna be throwing out the ol' "Cast your anxieties on the lord" verse. When you're around someone who'se depressed you're not gonna start ignorantly preaching the "joy of the lord".

In the same way, if you have an understanding of ADHD, there are certain assumptions and behaviors that can come across as hurtful or vindictive. It can make us either close-up or go on the offensive to try and protect our extremely vulnerable sides.  When I feel like I am stepped on, when I am criticized for the very things I cannot control, I am deeply hurt. We would never blame someone in a wheelchair for not being able to walk right? "look at that lazy guy. I bet he never goes for a jog ever.... how can he live with himself?!"... I'd be a real jerk if I thought that way! Lets be honest! There's no more to it than that with ADHD. Eg: being hurt that I don't notice a new outfit or hairdue (even if you go from blonde to purple, I likely won't notice lol!) Is the same in my eyes. It's a shortcoming I have zero control over. :)

Another example, when people don't want to plan things out with me in great (painstakingly-thorough) detail. I am deeply hurt by that, in a very personal way (despite this being a very natural irritation to people). It is as if they genuinely know my needs and short-comings (which they likely don't), and then proceed to NOT accommodate them... As though my friendship isn't valuable enough to them to make plans properly. To me it feels as though someone is looking me in the eye and telling me "I don't care if you are in my life, your ADHD is too big of an inconvenience to me, to bother being your friend"...

It's incredibly hurtful to overlook an ADHD (Or anxiety or bipolar or depressed) person's shortfallings, and refuse to accommodate them. It's like choosing not to be someone's friend because they are in a wheelchair, and you MIGHT have to walk a little slower with them in the mall sometimes... FOR REAL! SAME THING IN THE MINDS OF THOSE WITH MENTAL HEALTH ISSUES! I'm okay with not "making plans" if you're okay with me forgetting 95% of the things we are doing together and never showing up... ever... (I'll be doing somersaults or something like that...) haha! :) . In fact, to take it one step farther, what you might view as a "nagging reminder" I take VERY well :) it's like you're saying "HEY THERE! I love you and I don't want you to forget we're doing this! ___" :) So go ahead, nag away! lol


- Lastly in the pit-falls of my life (cause I have no other flaws lol), is that I say dumb $#!t sometimes lol! Seriousely, like I said, I rarely think before I speak. I am working on this, but i'll be honest, I am doubtful that i'll ever be able to overcome this character trait of mine. So just know, that your ADHD loved ones, often speak without thinking. And you need to have grace for them, just as you have grace over your own private thoughts that you catch yourself thinking and then scold yourself for. Wouldn't you feel vulnerable if everyone could hear those thoughts of yours? well, with me...they can... and it is vulnerable and scary. It leads to a very hard-to-see social anxiety. I come across as bubbily and confident, and then go home and stew about things, cry over dumb stuff I've said, wonder if I've hurt people... etc... So give your ADHD friends some grace in the things that they say, and confront them when they say inappropriate stuff. This is an ACT OF LOVE for them! :)

WAYS I AM BETTER THAN YOU! :P

You know I don't mean it that way, but lets be honest, I just punched myself down into the ground in the above paragraph... So i'd also like to share a list of things that I'm BETTER at than most people who don't have ADHD. Blessings of the curse you could say.

- I am intuitive to body language when I am attentive: I notice people's body languages like a second form of speech. This doesn't always bode well for me, since I can often read language people don't WANT me to notice too. False friendliness, false forgiveness, etc... But this skill is a light-switch. When I am in an inattentive state of ADHD I don't notice a thing! lol! But this skill was highly helpful when I had my social work practice!

- I am incredibly artistic: This comes with ADHD and the fact that my feet are not firmly planted on the ground like most people's are! I see things that aren't there, push boundaries, and create what is NOT yet in existance! I prefer short-term art projects as opposed to very time-consuming multiple-day projects. As a result, I'm an excellent cook, and love doing this. I like to paint, I like to plan parties, I like to write (hence the blog), I like to garden etc...

- I am very imaginative: I have SO MANY IDEAS! And I know I have about 9 BAD ideas for every 1 good idea, but never-the-less, if you need options or ides, I'M YOUR WOMAN! Just ask, and i'll give you whatever comes to mind! Again, because my feet aren't grounded, i'm not limited by the boxes of reality when I'm coming up with ideas. This can be very useful in ANY kind of brain-storming

- I'm a starter: Some people love the joy of working hard at something, some people love the feeling of finishing a project... I LOVE TO START THINGS! And yes, this leads to many un-finished projects in my own life. But in the scheme of life WITH OTHER PEOPLE, this is such a value asset. I'm the "lets get this going!" person... (Think "pastor todd" lol). If you need someone to fire the "start" pistol, someone to brake the ice and start something, just ask!

- I usually make a good public speaker: It's not my favorite activity to do, mostly cause I never know if I'm gonna babble nonsense. But getting up in front of people I don't mind doing. And I'm usually animated, candid, and easy to stay focused on BECAUSE of my adhd. I move around. I use gestures. My train of thought wanders JUST LIKE THE AUDIENCE'S and I can keep people focused because of this.

- I'm good with kids: mostly because I still am one ;)

- I usually connect well in new social settings. Because I live in the moment, I have no problems meeting someone new, finding a common ground and rolling with it. The rest of the world doesn't exist to me, and that person has 100% of my attention. Usually I say something stupid and brake the false appearances of perfection easily (yay lol), which allows people to feel more comfortable and open up more to me.

-I am passionate. I am a warrior for a cause... any cause really lol! So i've had to focus this to "people-related causes" But within that, my ADHD helps me to hyper-focus on things sometimes. Be it poverty, Indigenous rights, LGBTQ, what-have-you. It's all in there and it's all so genuinely passionately real in my life. I'm the person with the voice, the posters, the march-for-a-cause. And though these aren't the only people necessary for change, The voice is usually an important aspect of a movement, and not something everyone is comfortable doing. But like I said, I already know I'm a fool, i've come to terms with it, and I DONT MIND being one, especially if it's for a good cause.

- I am a deep thinker when I have the time to do so. People with ADHD are the makings of philosophers and theologians. We're not afraid to walk away from the present structure, to see if there's something else there. For example, i've recently had my entire theological footing slipped out from under me. Everything I grew up believing about the bible...wondering if it's actually the truth. Wondering if christianity is REALLY what we say it is, or if Jesus was preaching a very different message than we've interpreted... this would cause most people great anxt... but not me! I just live in it and embrace it as my new reality! I think within this space. I love jesus, and I'm forgiven by him. other than that, it's all negotiable at this point! :) And this is just fine with me. This is where the martin-luthers are born, the menno-simons, the protestant movement, etc... This is where stuff like this happens. 

I think I'm gonna leave it there... Simply because this post has gotten extremely long.  I hope you've found this helpful and encouraging regarding some of the ADHD people in your own life. Maybe children, and you worry for their futures. well don't! :) just set them up to succeed, believe in them, and teach them to surround themselves with people of balance to their own lives.

A person with ADHD is like a beautiful vining flower plant. You dont always know where it will go, but it will keep on moving, it will keep on growing, it'll move with it's surroundings, and bend with the wind. It will give you beauty, and it will give you shelter... :) so PRAISE GOD for ADHD people! :) We're some of the spice of life!

Mary had a little lamb, and his name was Jesus.

Two words: Birth, Plan...
I had one... I had one with Josiah for sure! A very complex and detailed one, involving the dula we hired, and the music I would listen to, the essential oils i would use to soothe myself, how far i'd let myself go before having pain killers, the use of the birthing tub (be it available), how we'd announce the birth, a list of who to call first, what curtis needs to tell them (eg; please dont put anything on social media), what positions for birthing, delayed cord clamping, whether or not we wanted baby bathed or given those eye drops or vitamin K shot etc... oh yes it was detailed!

And what happened? I was on bed rest for 3 weeks followed by an emergency c section at 36 weeks gestation followed by immediate NICU for 24 hours and a 7 day hospital stay for Jaundice... hmmm...

Birth plan...
I had one for sammy too actually but this time I knew better. it was more like a piece of post-it note paper with a grocery list for curtis incase i was too incoherant to give my own opinions on things... something like
- yes to epidural
- delayed cord clamping
-labor naturally
-vbac if at all possible, but c-section if any doubts
- let placenta birth naturally

not too much to ask eh? well... my bloodpressure was up again, so I was on the induction list... lucky for me their NICU was full so they werent allowed to induce a "high risk" pregnancy unless NICU had space. So I ran 10 days past my due date with sammy, and had been laboring two nights already before they induced me on the drip. I got my epidural, but just when it looked like it was going to be a C-section, the doctor came in (still not sure who it was, but she was clearly sent from God). she took one look and said "lets try and get this one out naturally". And out he came. she stopped nurses and said "no! we're delaying the cord clamping" and then later i heard "no, just let the placenta come on it's own". bare in mind no instructing from me was had...
wow! Talk about God's being in control!

But was he less in control of Josiah's birth? no, no he wasnt... and what clued me into that, was one of my netflix mom-binge-watching fests of a good ol' show called Downton Abbey... when Sybil dies in child birth... Legit... had i been in control of my birth plan, that is PRECISELY what my story would have been. To the letter (minus all the royal treatment of course lol)

So yes, God was in control of my births...

And you know what... God was in control of Mary's birth plan too. I bet she had one. This was a descrete pregnancy. she probably had it all planned out. To maybe travel back to her cousins, or stay at her mothers house or perhaps joseph's parents place for the birth so she would have help from other women to deliver...she would have planned a place for baby, clothes for baby... I bet she had been sewing garments for a while. planned on her diapering plans, knew what she needed to eat to make baby jesus's milk the best, products for her own postpartum care such as a stomach wrap and cleansers etc... She-had-a-birth-plan... But her plan wasn't Gods.  And God's plan, even if we can't see it, is always better than ours.

Had Jesus not been born in that barn, the shepherds may not have heard. Kings may not have come. The star would be for nothing. And the sheer test of Joseph and Mary's faith likely strengthened their marraige in a way that cannot be written or described. Joseph helping Mary deliver would have been 100% forbidden and detested in that time. Not only did he stay with Mary, but he hand-delivered that child, from a woman he hadn't slept with, a child not his own... and in a culture where that made him physically unclean to help her with this...huge tests of faith all over the place. We never touch on Mary and Joseph's marraige but I sometimes wonder if this birht story was specifically to make their bond stronger.


And another thought from my own birthing memories... "silent night"... This saying has been analyzed to death, being related to births or the style of birth, or the peace of christ and the moment... but what about from a mothers view?

I urge you other moms out there... close your eyes for a moment and recall the night or day right after giving birth... you're tired...he's tired...baby sleeps a lot... you're all stuck in that hospital room and everything is calm... exhausted but calm... and there's this peace over the whole situation...regardless of how your birth plan panned out, things are calm and peaceful. and you sit there... with this brand new tiny human in your arms saying "wow" and it was all okay in that moment. peace, unity, perfection... theres anxiety about "can i do this" or whether or not you have that "motherly" feeling or not... You might be filled with Joy, or filled with anxt... remembering fondly or not-so-fondly the events of the past 48 hours, but in the end... its really a silent night....and its really a holy night...


just some food for thought in this season! :)

Why i'm not a minimalist

As I sit here with my luke-warm coffee... (and seriousely its at that slightly cooler side of luke warm without being fully cold coffee...about as miserable a temperature as coffee can have)...Anyways, as I sit here with this luke warm coffee, I am pulled/driven to journal right now about something that has been bugging me... Minimalism within celebrations.

Now...before I begin, full disclaimer: I am well aware that I am about as big a "fool" as is Biblically  possible. so take my words with that grain of salt for sure. (no for real. lol I read proverbs and its like...wow! Did he know me!? I swear king Solomon would take one look at me and say "yup here comes another one! lol). Also in this disclaimer, is that I have ADHD (aka, the clinical term for the biblically more well-known term "fool") so... ya! I say it like I see it. Take it or leave it. This is mostly a public journal to me. I haven't started writing this with my thoughts fully formed. I am an external processor and will say it as I think it. So please, my lovely minimalist friends do not be offended! Use your wonderfully logical mature brains to slap that fool lable on my forehead instead, or, maybe... learn a thing or two? (i'm sure there's a reason Jesus picked a bunch of fools for his disciples)

Christmas! Christmas is almost here! It's in the long-range forecast on the weather network already for crying out loud! My milk is good till after christmas! Thats how freaking close it is (or maybe how good my milk  is lol). And Christmas for me, is worth celebrating! It's worth going big, and being happy about...

We have several advent calendars on the go...
1) Frosty's nose: Frosty's nose moves in a circle like a clock-hand. with numbers going from left to right 1-25. When frosty's nose is all the way on the right, it's christmas! Kids can measure time, without understanding numbers up to 25 :) thank you, dollarama...
2) christmas tree velcro: every day we put on an ornament...or two or three (and skip three days) the important thing is that the star goes on last, on christmas eve. Thank you mom H! :)
3) Christmas mailboxes: Made lovingly by myself and decorated by the boys, every day I sneak a craft project (usually a cheap wooden ornament to paint...14/$1 kinda thing) and a laminated character of the nativity scene, along with a 1-2 paragraph devotional about that character and jesus.

• Our tree was chopped and decorated by December 3'rd (dont worry tree lovers, we planted at least 100 trees this year lol!)
• I decorated in a very tacky-traditional style that is almost seuse-like
• i've been listening to Christmas music since July
• Josiah and I have made ornaments since July (to sell, and raise money to buy food for wpg harvest).
• our presents were all bought by Halloween
• 90% wrapped before mid november
• I currently have at least eleven full-batch varieties of cookies in our fridge-freezer ... at any given time after november 20'th lol!
• christmas cards were mailed over a week ago....

I am seriously in Christmas over-kill mode this year. I am well-aware that not every year will be like this, but let me be clear. I am happy, proud and grateful for a Christmas like this.... and whenever I see facebook posts or devotionals about minimalism, they are like pennies on my Christmas train-tracks... honestly, get outta the way or be prepared to be crushed with Christmas spirit lol!

You see, I have tried minimalist christmas... I have done it in years past. Make it all about Jesus and only Jesus. but the reality is? its just me then. Those have been my LEAST SATISFYING CHRISTMASES! You know why? because you expect the bigger celebrations to have more meaning, but they just dont. No one at the gathering cares about my latest revelations. the one clan still doesnt read the christmas story, and the other one, breezes through it to get to presents... its all still the same at the gatherings... And for me, what ended up happening is I criminalized anything christmas. The music, the food, the presents, the shallow chitter-chatter at gatherings. Anything that wasn't blatantly about christ became a distraction, or foothold or evil in my mind...

WORST..
                     CHRISTMASES
                                                           OF...                MY.....                     LIFE....

And last year, I just did nothing spiritual at christmas. Sure, not my best move either but you know what?
- I LOVED FAMILY TIME!
- I have fond memories of gatherings, time with my kids, enjoying the frivelous business...
- I enjoyed the church experience all-together because I took it in as a blank canvas. :)

Really, Christ still touched me and I still celebrated his birth, an it was all genuine and happy.
hmm.... The business didnt get in the way... at...all...


Here's the other thing:
Are you a vibrant person? do you live life with energy and enthusiasm? then why shouldnt christmas be the same way?

here's some examples from my life.

THE GARDEN:
Feb- start seeds indoors
march- start more seeds
april -grow-op house, 3 different garden layouts completed, greenhouses and seeds and dirt bought.
may- feb plants die...thats okay, plant more! :)
June- YAY GARDEN!!!!
july-sept TWO HOURS A DAY IN THE FREAKING GARDEN!!!

KIDS BIRTHDAYS
- 6 months ahead- pick theme, contact family members about potential group gifts if applicable
-5-3 months ahead- scour pinterest and amazon to be FULLY INFORMED about everything pertaining to chosen birthday theme
-2 months ahead- nail down the itinerary and menu, begin planning the cake
-1 month ahead- anything that can be bought ahead has been, invitations sent, plans made, etc....
-24 hours before -cleaning (I hate this part lol) and cake decorating....

EASTER
- LENT ALL THE WAY!!
-hot crossed buns for the whole church service
- random acts of kindness
- a spiritual retreat to prepare including personal communion

Third child (Bare in mind we aren't pregnant, we are not trying to get pregnant and DONT EVEN KNOW IF WE WANT A THIRD CHILD!!!)
- Stroller picked
- names of either gender picked
- pregnancy diet plan picked
- bedroom strategy in place...
- private on-going registry on amazon in place as a check-list

You get the idea... I do things over-kill. Its just my style! And it doesn't make me miserable, I dont do it out of worry or anxiety, I enjoy every minute of it... and its just who I am. If I have company over for an impromptu lunch, it's gonna have 3-5  separate dishes to it... other than dessert...(which may only have one option since it was impromptu, but dont worry, i'll appologise for that)

ITS JUST ME! So why would I stop being myself at Christmas? Because its trendy? Because everyone else is doing it? No.

and you know what? I am not the only vibrant person in the world, so I just don't understand this minimalist trend... some people are genuinely minimalists. Take my mother-in-law. This woman genuinely LOVES to eat a plain baked potato... no butter, no salt. She loves things in their place, thrives on order, and genuinely is energized by simplicity and it's beauty. That is amazing! And I'll never be like that! But I am happy to experience that joy through her. I dont feel the need to be like that, because it's not who I am. And I imagine when she comes over and sees our christmas-plastered house, she laughs inside to herself and also gets joy from my crazy-Christmas style, happy that it's not in her own home.

But this minimalism is getting so strong in our culture that I almost feel like I need to hide how I celebrate christmas... Like I need to apologize for it, or justify it (which is basically what I am doing when I write this post i guess).

But there's another reason I feel its so important to not do Christmas minimalistically. And that has to do with childhood cognitive development... Anyone who'se grown up in the church knows the expression "Free gift of salvation". And most of us will have a primal feeling attached to hearing those words. For me it's the feeling I had when I received "hula hair barbie" for my twelfth birthday... it was not a justifiable gift, it was too expensive, I was growing out of barbies, and as far as my parents could tell, tomorrow a different one would be more popular anyways... But the elation I felt when I received that gift from my grandma (and I was well-aware at that time that my parents did the buying for grandma) was next-to-none. Here was a gift I didnt need, didnt deserve, and didnt earn. There was no justifiable reason for me to get it other than love. Thats it. Free, unconditional gift.

There is so much of our spiritual walk with christ that is tied into our upbringing. Critical parents equals us thinking God is critical... Abusive father, makes it hard to connect with the term "heavenly father". Similarely, a good dad, makes this a nice natural analogy in someones spiritual life. And so, celebrations, directly correlate to what I percieve heaven to be like! Celebrations growing up were always unnecessarily frivelous and fun. more than we needed to eat, more games than needed to be played, louder than they had to be...why? because its a celebration! :) And when I think of heaven being a party, its not going to be a "because we have to" party, it's gonna be frivolous and fun and loud and awesome!

AND I WANT THIS FOR MY KIDS! :)

I want them to know that God is joy and fun and parties and silliness and unnecessary fun out of love, and free gifts of love....

I'm not getting my kids clothes for christmas, or  things they need. They will get the things they need because we are their parents. I will get them free gifts of love.

Our boys are getting toys for christmas **GASP!** *LOOK OF DISGUST AND HORRER* not "gifts of time" not "gift cards or coupons for dates" not a "family gift" no.  they are getting straight-up toys that may or may not break in the next few months... and you know what? they will be ecxtatic about it. And be filled with child-like excitement. You know, the kind of excitement God and Christ desire us to have when we think about the gift he gave us. and you knwo what? they are two and four years old. so if christmas of family and presents doesnt quite connect to christmas of baby Jesus, thats okay. they can be two separate things in their minds for now. I wont be making a birthday cake on christmas...It just doesnt seem like a good use of our time on such a special day. They are learning about christ all month and will hear the story again on christmas day. And as they grow, they will connect the dots, or our traditions will change to help connect them.

But for now, the santas, the cookies, the decorations, the gatherings and parties, the gifts, the donations, the songs... it's all important, its all within God's will, and edifying and beneficial.  Its all christmas and it's all Christ. Christ loved parties. He's the one who turned water into wine. This isnt just a cheap excuse to party, IT WAS CHRISTS FIRST MIRACLE! Celebration is so important he made a whole day of rest called the sabbath where we get together with our christian family, and sing songs and learn and its all supposed to be with joy and celebration! :) CHRISTMAS IS ALL OF THAT!

christmas is far from simple. It was a complex and stressful time for mary and joseph. It wasnt simple or minimal. Christ was visited by Kings and shepherds alike. There was an angel choir. Gifts of Gold, frankinsense and myrrh, glory to God in the highest. A BRAND NEW STAR! God invited kings from all across the land to meet his son. SO LETS CELEBRATE! BE JUBILANT AND JOYOUS THIS CHRISTMAS! dont hold back because its trendy. If you are genuinely a minimalist like my mother in law, then TAKE JOY IN THAT! and celebrate that way because its you! But if cutting back on christmas is hard work for you, THEN STOP IT!!! CELEBRATE! :)

okay i'm done preaching for now...but mostly cause it's time to paint christmas ornaments with my kids.

Grateful for a sleepless night

It's so interesting to have a sleepless night amidst nights of full rest. I don't mind it. Yes I'll be tired tomorrow and shooting back the coffee pretty hard, but I tend to be a bit more careful about how I act when I am fully aware of my own sleep deprivation. So chances are, I'll be a more patient mother, and may actually get something cleaned up! ;) I'm not sure why I'm having the sleeplessness... the last few full moons I’ve had a bit of insomnia though so maybe it's just that (I haven't actually checked if it's a full moon yet, lol let me confirm that first... well it's about a 3/4 full moon. so there goes that theory... oh well!).

Sammy woke up for no apparent reason around 12, so I got some midnight cuddles from him while I sang a good oldie. "The lord loves me, and oh what a wonder I see, a rainbow shines in my window the lord, loves, me...." Don't ask me why that's the one that came to mind, but I'm sure my mom will read this (aren't moms the best? reading our blogs lol!) and get a pretty serious "throw-back-Thursday" to all those asthma-riddled nights that she sang me this song.... anyways, so Sammy and I sat and rocked for a good 15 minutes looking out the window while my eyes played tricks on my hopeful mind which was pretending to see deer in the dim moonlight... you know, I have yet to see some legit wildlife out here!? I know it exists, but maybe I smell bad enough that it avoids me or something! :)

Once Sammy went back to bed, I did likewise. But the insomnia force is strong with me tonight... and so I prayed for rest...which made me think of other prayer requests such as my lovely Josiah who could easily be re-named "Ecclesiastes" lately. "Meaningless, meaningless, all is meaningless..." I swear that kid can find the negative angle on any situation! It's almost impressive really, if it weren't so draining and time consuming... But from what I have heard from several other moms, I am not alone in having a 3-5 year old who is capable of burning an afternoon to the ground. Maybe it's a stage of life, or maybe it’s a sign of a form of generational parenting that is failing...maybe it's both, but I am starting to also wonder if there might be a spirit of oppression over our impressionable children right now. Satan trying to stop a generation from certain growth in the spirit and in the kingdom. If he can just keep the moms tired enough, drained enough that they won’t answer the inquisitive spiritual questions of these little minds, maybe he can get them past the "why" stage without them finding Jesus... I used to resent coming to Christ at 3 years old, but owning a 2 and 4 year old have made me re-think that. Of course, it depends on the child. But Josiah asks many questions about all kinds of philosophical stuff. He gets that there is more to life. And quite honestly, when he was tantruming because (I kid you not, this was the reason) his legs stopped working, I picked him up, and prayed in the name of Jesus that they would be healed, and he walked... he got it. I'm not going to get into a debate over faith vs. manipulation or "The mind is a powerful tool" etc... But at 4 years old, having not done a bible lesson about miracles before (cause I'm really not on top of the whole "teach your children" in many ways... including bible stories and the alphabet lol) he just got it. So I also prayed over his attitude and said "in the name of Jesus, I command the spirit of sadness to leave, and I ask in Jesus name that the spirit of Joy fill you". I told him, that now that I prayed it, he would be happy. And you know what? He was, for the rest of the day actually now that I think about it. I've avoided doing things like this because I don’t want to manipulate. But trust me it was a last resort. If words could have changed his mood, it would have already. And believe me, not wanting to manipulate is the reason this was a step of faith for me to pray over and in front of my children... but anyways, this leaves me with the assumption in faith, that God actually answered these prayers.

So in my insomniac state, mulling over these day's events... I got out of my bed, went to Josiah’s room with my home-made stretch-mark cream (which I prayed over, asking God to make it Holy--yes, that's all it takes to create an anointing oil you can use with authority) and crept over to his bed, and prayed again over him. This time, anointing his head, his heart and his hands with Holy oil (he's a heavy sleeper apparently). I declared the spirit of Joy to rest on him, and the spirit of sadness to leave. I prayed hope and joy and inspiration and other things over him. And as I type, more things are coming to mind I ought to pray over him... This may become a regular occurrence.

I have a friend (ironically a single, non married, non-parent friend) who taught me about my authority as a mother. She taught me that I have a God-given authority over my children, as their mother. It comes through pregnancy and Birth. It is awarded through adoption and fostering as well. That divine right is transferred to those in care and authority over a child... What is this authority? It's not one thing in general, it’s a very plural authority...Authority over their bodies, over their minds, and authority over their care... but the more un-known authority is over their soul... This is the authority Satan tries to diminish. You see, we can speak things over our own children that no one else can. As a mother, I have the God-given power to speak things over my children. To declare them holy, to prophesy over them. If a marriage is a representation of God and the church. Then motherhood is like one of the great prophets and the Israelites. It's a huge responsibility we don’t accept. And the reality is, whether we are aware of it or not, our authority remains and we use it constantly. "Jonny is so gifted in music" "sally is an angry child" etc... We declare things into existence every single day, multiple times a day. The difference is most mothers are un-aware they are doing it. We give spirits authority over our children, based on what we declare over them. I am very guilty of declaring Josiah's insecurities over him, day in, day out. But I am changing that, and I will declare him to be free of those insecurities, and instead he will become a man of confidence, of inner Joy and Peace that is quiet yet deafening to those who know him. I declare him to be good with his hands, good in detail and in small tasks that are overlooked by others.... Do you see what I am doing? If you believe in the authority of Christ, Just give this notion even 5 minutes of true 100% thought and I think you will agree with me here. A mother has authority over her children. And Satan tries to make us forget this. When we forget, then we instinctively (as sinners) declare Satan’s will over our children. How frightening! Let’s not be un-aware anymore!

So that was party #2 tonight...

Party #3 was simply standing in our sun-room (cause I’m too chicken to be outside alone at night, since all the ferocious rabid wolves will eat me... you know, cause I’ve seen so much wildlife out here ;) ) Standing in our sun room, smelling the living air again, and hearing the sounds of night... the nature in me came alive. It smells like grass, like living organisms in the earth, like moisture in the air. It smells like leaves beginning to bud forth on the trees... it smells like dieing fires.... I could hear crickets, frogs, some really odd sounding birds, likely an owl or two...  coyotes etc... The earth is alive again, and it’s WONDERFUL!!

And that brings us to party #4 which is just this blog right here. I don't blog too often, but maybe that’s why I simply enjoy it when I do it. It's more like a journal... and since I can think faster than I can hand-write, blogging tends to be a better form of external processing for me :) You just are fortunate enough to be privy to my personal thoughts! :) Motherhood doesn't leave a lot of time for deep thinking, so it's nice to have a space to let it out a bit.

Anyways, now that my mind's drifting thoughts are out on paper (or screen I should say), I can feel my body relaxing enough to go back to sleep... have a good night! :)

why feminism scares me.

You, know, i am far from an intellectual these days, simply because I am a mother of a n 18-month-old and a 3.5 year old lol so the sleep deprivation prevents the necessary attention span for such things. But in any case, there are a few things about feminism that have been weighing on my heart for years already, that I simply need to process. I am an external processor so that is why i write things down. I am not looking for debates on the subject, I am simply speaking my own mind, and I encourage others to maintain their own minds on this subject. I would also like to point out that this blog is referring solely to north-American feminism. I am in full support of spreading some feminism around the world in countries where equal rights are not acknowledged.


I want to start off with a little reminder that by education and profession, I am a feminist social worker. but by life choice, I am a married, stay-at-home mother of two boys. And it is this life choice, that has caused me to reconsider feminism in today's world. You see, I have probably the best husband in winnipeg... I am pretty convinced of it (at times... lol other times i have my reservations because I too am human). No, really! I mean, he cleans up after himself, he is financially secure, he is action-oriented, he helps with the kids, he is a good father, he is patient with my shortcomings (most times), he is responsible and mature, he looks fantastic, he carries himself well, etc... you may be thinking, "well he CANT be perfect..." and you're right. Because in order to have all of these wonderful responsible qualities, something has to give. He is a perfect "mr right". And by textbook definitions, he is a "feminist". by social definitions however, he is far from feminist, and i'd have to say i agree. You see, emotional intelligence isn't his strong suit. (which is fine, because most of that intellectual space is taken up by being one of the best 28 year old business owners I have ever met). He genuinely believes men and women are different. Not better or worse, just very different. This  can come out in little ways that appear "anti-feminist" like when he says "i bet that was a woman driving..." (the funny part? he's usually right lol) or that he prefers a male preacher at church, etc... but you know what, some of these things are just reality. For example... I am confident in saying that a married man with young children takes his career far more seriously than a married woman with young children in daycare. If i had to have brain surgery, and my choice was between the two, i would choose the waffle-minded male any day over the spaghetti-brained woman who is not only performing surgery, but potentially has her period, wondering if her child is going to throw up at daycare and need to be picked up, thinking about what to make for supper, or what's all on the Christmas agenda this year, and if nothing else, is mulling over the incredibly high stakes of the surgery she is about to perform...

I am not saying women shouldnt be brain sergions... I think women can make excellent brain surgeons. we are so detail oriented and capable of being scientific and interpretive at the same time which is an incredible problem-solving skill. excellent in a surgical situation i am sure. but none-the-less, if i had the choice, i'd pick male any day. They are more...wait for it... PREDICTABLE!  and in some situations, that is just plain needed... and in the same breath, i would pick a female child-care-provider over male any day because they are more predictably emotionally intelligent and detail focused which is what a child needs every day. Again, some men can do an excellent job! and most men can do a perfect job of child care on a short term or periodically long-term basis. And if push-comes-to-shove, i think men can make amazing sole-care-givers....but do you know why that is? it is less because of instinct, and MORE because of a sense of RESPONSIBILITY. wife left him, wife died, never was a wife... etc...whatever the situation, he is now left with this little human who is looking to him for care and provision. And HE... WILL...PROVIDE! he will love! If his daughter needs pig-tails, he will become the best 3-year-old hair-stylist that there ever was! he'll learn topsy-turveys, braids, french braids, he'll learn how to paint nails, how to mend buttons on favorite dresses, etc... but... if push comes to shove, and there's a capable loving mother in the picture, that same man will be less-inclined to do those things simply because the sense of responsibility has shifted, and he sees the highest need for responsibility to be financial provision, and heavy work...etc... whatever he can do to create the best mothering environment for the woman involved.

What am i trying to say with all these ramblings?  I am attmepting to say that i agree with my husband...men and women are different. our brains work differently, we respond differently... it doesnt matter how emotionally intelligent a man is, he still isnt a woman!! and it doesnt matter how strong and level headed a woman is, she still isnt a man!  I could go into example after example here, but that isnt  the point. the point is explaining why feminism scares me.

feminism scares me because i am the mother of boys... feminism in north america is not the same as feminism in a textbook. Textbook feminism is support of equal rights between men and women. the right to vote, the right for equal employment opportunities, etc... feminism seeks to restore women to their god-given place, BESIDE men, not behind them.

but what is happening today? in north america??? what is it now? it is woman-worship. thats what it is... can we talk about a man's strengths (that he has just for being a man) without it being considered an anti-feminist remark?

here's an example...

"men are such good drivers"

what did you actually interpret from that? all you heard was likely that women are not good drivers.... here's another one.

"Women are so easy to talk to"...
what did you hear? did you hear "women are easy to talk to" or did you hear "men are poor listeners"??? you see? we can compliment women for just being women, but we cannot give men the same courtesy. somehow, a compliment and identity-giving-strength-trait for men, is considered an insult to women. but an identity-giving strength is simply a strength when said about women in the same breath.

what about this one...

"men are stronger than women"

is that rubbing you the wrong way? well, is it false? have you ever been to a fitness facility? look at the man AND the woman who go every morning at 6 am to work out. both in excellent shape. He's curling 60 lb dumbells and she is curling 30. (30 is insane in my opinion... I curl 10 for the record lol)

he squats 250, she squats 100. (and i'd be worried about her knees at that point)

he benches 190, she beches...probably that same 100, maybe 120...And these are prestenely in-shape people of equal effort. Men...are...stronger... sports leagues dictated this reality too, right up to the olympics...

i dont really care if you dont like it, its a truth. Men are stronger than women. and you know what? it's okay for men to both own this, and be proud of it.

what is happening in north america with feminism is the same thing that happens in countries all over the world when racial reconciliation occurs. There's a back-lash from the formerly-oppressed group. A movement of hatred and domineering behaviors to sub-conciousely punish the formerly-oppressive group of people. It's happening in canada with our first nations people (and it's part of the healing journey and i am not bashing it whatsoever) and it's happening in the states with the african american population... it's part of healing, and i support this step as much as any other step in the healing process. but the issue? generally the formerly-oppressive group can handle the heat... but in the case of feminism this is not happening... men are being dammaged by this "feminist" movement in north america...

what is a womans identity today? she has value...dignity...worth... simply because she is a woman. As someone close to me puts it "a woman has intrinsic value, because she has a uterous". Callous maybe, but something to think about.

What is a man's identity today? well it's based on what he does or what he accomplishes with his life. And even then, if he makes one stupid move, it is all on his shoulders, and any good he has done is overlooked because of the bad.

what if that same woman does something stupid? has worked her whole life and accomplisehd something great, throws it all away because she commits a crime and goes to jail? the man? seen as foollish and stupid...the woman? seen as a victim of oppression or abuse, likely theres a reason, or underlying trauma that precipitated the event etc...

do you see how unfair this is? do you see how we set our boys up for both failure and identity crisis? what do i tell my little boys when they ask me "how do i be a man"? what do i tell them? "well son, you need to act more like mommy"....i am SERIOUS here..

a boy trips a little girl at school and she falls down...the teacher makes him apologize...the boy, feeling ashamed and wanting to show respect in his own way, looks at the floor, not wanting to make eye contact out of shame, and respect for the girl... but the socially appropriate behavior is the FEMALE one.. the teacher forces him to make eye contact with the girl "look at her while you are speaking to her, Timmy!". So he does as he says "im sorry". In the end, the apology is less heart-felt than if the teacher had allowed him to simply be a boy and apologize in his own way... as a boy appologises.

in our marriages, arent we the same way? punishing our husbands for going silent in a moment of remorse or during an argument... while they show us respect by letting us talk and share our feelings, while they absorb it and take it in as a man does...at face value, with respect, taking you at your word... we punish them for not making little 'uh huh's and "i see"s and not making eye contact, not adding a sentance here or there... what do we say "WERE YOU EVEN LISTENING?" or "dont you have anything to say!?"... if he responds with "no" he has failed... (but he was listening and he was showing you respect, the way a man does so instinctively)... if he gives you an answer, it's likely not going to be the one you were looking for because he is frantically racking his brain (which is not your brain) for a response that will appease you.

this is our world. this is what i am bringing up boys into....

a woman leaves her husband... what does she hear from people "good for you!"

a man leaves his wife.... "what a coward. shame on him..."

a woman leaves her husband....liberating...
a man leaves his wife...degrading...

woman chooses to marry and leave her carreer to mother her children...degrading
A man chooses not to have a career in order to parent his children at home...degrading...

so who should watch the kids then? the mother who is equally dammaged by feminism? or the man who is dammaged by feminism?

Did you know that i am JUST a stay at home mom??? did you know that? i am no longer "a stay at home mom"... that little word "just" is in there... it's in there EVERY TIME unless i am speaking with someone from a former generation, who gets it.


This is a crisis in my understanding of how to raise my boys. you see, i want them to be like their father is. I want them to be responsible men with strong identities, who provide for their families and earn the devoted and submissive respect of their wives, the way Curtis has earned mine. I want this for them so badly, but how on earth can i raise boys to be like this, in today's world? I don't even know if it's possible at this point...